Triggering (SI) - I can't believe I'm making this post....

[The Hierophant]

I don't know why I'm making this post... there are people out there far worse than me - i don't deserve support, nothing is wrong, i sware.

this is going to be incoherent ramblings, i'm sorry, i'll try to make it make sense, but nothing makes sense anymore... not in my head.

this world - i just can't cope with it, it sounds melodramatic, maybe it's just this town but everybody knows everybody and the relationship ways could almost be seen as incestuous as everybody between the ages of 16 and 25 are friends or they now each other and there's just no-where to escape and you can't walk down the street without bumping into someone you know - IWANT OUT.

nothing has ever been really ****ed up with me, i mean yeah ok i was bullied all through school, dropped out, was almost put in in-patient, did gcse's, went to college, met long term boyfriend, was raped, had to have an abortion, start loosing my boyfriend, go back to drink and drugs (like they ever leave you alone - ha), get detained under the mental health act, almost get sectioned, boyfriend leaves me, and i'm in £500 of debt.

it's not bad, some people go through so much more... but i still have this complete and utter drive to destroy myself, i want to die, i always have. the tablets the doctors gives me (20mg citalopram) don't help, i can't stop cutting myself, it's increasing too, i mean i want to cut my and off, not just cut, but do serious damage - show people i'm not joking.

i'm not, i can't cope. i never have been able to, and everytime i try to talk to my friends they seem to be having problems at exactly the same time and it turns to them.

i'm sick of getting drunk, having sex with random people to feel some love, going to a friends - listening to their problems and then going home and cutting myself to shreds, and then the next day having to get up and do my routine and just be.

I WANT OUT.

i want to move away go somewhere where no-one knows me, make a new start just be someone else, i hate being me, i hate my mind, i hate my body, my face, my hair, absolutely everything, i honestly can't do this.

my parents try to be supportive, but it distresses them so much - how do you tell your mum that you want to die? "hey mum, thought about killing myself last night, how are you?" just, it's ridiculous you cna't say that, the woman gave birth to me for ****s sake.

then again it is her and my dads fault - oh yeah goood idea, two manic depressive and a child, guess what... chemical imbalance - her brain doesn't produce enough seratonin oh wow, well done, they knew it ran in the family and they just had me, i mean i'm glad my parents are with the person they love and everything but i can't help but feel resentment, and towards my brother - he's fine too.

i just want a decent nights sleep the insomnia is unbearable, i should go to the doctors i know.

but right now, what i really feel i need to do it call NHS direct or an ambulance and ask to be sectioned. because truly i feel like i'm going mad.


you can now laugh and call me melodramatic because in all honesty i wouldn't blame you. maybe it's late 18 year old teenage angst.

i don't care.

i just want out.

[Coffee Addict]

May I suggest....
explaining all of this to your doctor (seems like you have one that is already giving you meds)

Maybe a med change is what you need, other than that I have no good suggestions

[bobidrawpictures]

offers you a hug, i wish i could give new advice which you havent heard already, feel free to pm me if needed

[Merc]

sometimes a change is good...but if you are doing it soley in hopes of 'escaping yourself'..it doesnt work. You can go as far as you like..but its still you that is there...
You say you havent 'had it that bad'..sorry but form the bit you said, you sure have had alot to deal with. If it is affecting you it IS important and significant, regardless of what others are going throug. If it hurts, it hurts, you dont need to meet a requirement in order to feel bad and need help..not at all.
Do you have help other just for meds? Do you have therapy of some sort as well? i'd highly suggest finding someone yo can talk to about all this..you deserve someone to help you and lisaten. You dont need to face this all alone luv. It's too much.
No, you dont sound melodramatic; you sound in pain and confusion.
Pls think of finding someone, and if you DO have someone and they arent helping, look for someone else...i'm finding the search for the 'right' doctor to be longer than i expected!
Pls keep writing and feel free to PM as well okay?
take care
romp

[Merc]

Just wanted to add, i know how you are feeling in regards to wanting to cut a hand off...i went through that just a bit ago and its hell trying to get the thought, plans etc out of your head. I felt the same, that i needed to do something else drastic to get their attention..
pls dont, i know how hard it is when your thought/urges start heading that direction. I ended up getting pretty extreme when cutting was no longer 'enough'. Pls don't go that road...
here if you want
romp

[~*forever_broken*~]

*big hugs*
Hon of course you deserve support! It's not a good idea to compare your situation to other peoples. What may be no big deal for one person could be a huge deal for someone else. Not to mention it sounds like you've had more than your fair share of lousy things happen to you. I've got no new advice for you.
Please take care of yourself.

Alyssa

[chocostashchick]

you deserve help sweetie, just as much as anybody
as has been said telling your doctor is a great idea
if talking about it seems too hard you could write it down or print of what you have posted here
i also think that you may want to consider telling your friends some or all of this
you have supported them and been there for them and now it is your turn for some help
good luck Aeryn
keep us updated and please look after yourself

[Lora]

im not much use right now hun, but know that im here if you ever want to talk, love lora xxxx