Letter *poss slightly triggering*

[Steel Maiden]

I have listed all the problems I've been having in a letter which will go to my Mother and my doctor.

Here is a copy, I would like to know if anyone thinks I've missed anything out:

1.1I still hear voices which tell me that I am worthless and tell me to do things that I really shouldn’t do. I have got to points where I have seriously considered self-harming, but I haven’t done so only because I know that if you were to find me self-harming, you would go insane, so I didn’t do it. But the voices are going to drive me to destruction one day.

2.There is this Woman who keeps following me around. She wears a black dress, is rather tall and well formed, and has pale skin. She wears platform boots. She is the one who tells me to harm myself or others, and I have formulated plans, but I haven’t carried them out because I am too scared. She is the one who keeps telling me about the next Civil War and how she has signed me up (like mandatory consignment) for that upcoming War. I don’t want to fight in it, but she says I have no choice. The one good thing is that the Woman can’t run in the shoes she’s wearing, so whenever I go for a run, it is guaranteed that she will not follow me. Although once she waited for me to complete part of my run and was standing at the end of Elm Walk trying to harass me. I told her rudely to go away and carried on running faster, so that she couldn’t follow me. She follows me about when I go out for a walk. Sometimes she is silent and just walks next to me; other times she keeps giving me instructions. I listen to music to block her out, but sometimes she “overcomes” my music and I just have to give up and listen to her. I have learnt how to pretend that she isn’t around me and, to some extent, ignore her. I may be sitting eating dinner and pretending nothing is happening, but she would be sitting in the corner of the room silently, sometimes telling me something horrible. I have decided not to talk back to her or react to her so that she will hopefully go away one day, although occasionally I talk back at her rudely to make a point.

3.There are people in my head. When I say people, I mean anyone that knows me. I can feel the presence of people in my head, and different people take turns to occupy my head. When someone is in my head, they can read my mind and they can see everything I can see because they’re looking right through my eyes. Sometimes I have to close my eyes when I am changing in front of the mirror because I don’t want them to see me changing. Sometimes I explain to them why I am doing what I am doing, or I play music that I want them to listen to.

4.When I go out, everyone around me can read my mind and they can hear what music I’m listening to. Hence I always choose the walking routes that have the least amount of people possible. If I do have to go somewhere with lots of people (i.e. London or the Underground), I face it and try and stay calm. Sometimes I read a book or look at the floor to try and keep myself together. Looking at other people in public makes it worse because I don’t trust members of the public with my thoughts.

5.The Woman keeps telling me that I’ve killed someone. I can’t remember killing anyone, but I get worried when I see the police, in case they know as well.

6.I want to kill the Woman, but have no means of killing her. I once threw a pair of scissors at her, but they just bounced back and she wasn’t hurt.

7.I’ve been having urges to overdose or to drink a lot of alcohol in one go.

8.The Devil is lying dormant and isn’t bothering me at the moment, but I have a bad feeling that she will come out one day and ruin everything.

9.The Woman also tells me that I am invincible.


Any opinions or additions appreciated. Thanks.

[Stellata]

What're you hoping for from the letter?

It looks very clear and articulate and detailed to me..

[Steel Maiden]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stellata

What're you hoping for from the letter?

It looks very clear and articulate and detailed to me..

My Mother asked me to write her a letter about everything that is going on atm, because I wouldn't tell it to her verbally. She will most undoubtedly show this to my doctor.
Sorry I wasn't clear on my intentions.

[Stellata]

That's ok. :) It just helps to know so as to best give feedack.
What do you feel about what you've written?

[Steel Maiden]

I feel upset that I have to tell my Mother and everyone else about it, because tbh I just want people to leave me alone, but I do feel a bit relieved as it avoids me having to explain this to people in words.
Thanks for reading it.

[Pomegranate]

It is very well written. I hope it goes alright with your mother. When are you going to give it to her?

[xbeckyx]

^*Agrees it was well written*

Hope it goes well. It might help her be more supportive if she knows more of what is going on? I remember reading on another thread you can't talk to her much about things. If she shows teh GP they might try and do more to help you.

[shadowedseraph]

This is very articulate and well written, good luck on showing your mother *squishes*

[alienshe_cheesycake]

It's very well written, coherant and seems to make good sense to me

Good luck showing it to your mum and doc
(I'm currently having to write a similair type of letter to my doc and have no idea how to go about explaining stuff as coherantly as you have here)

[Steel Maiden]

My Mother gave it to my doctor! =(
But it helped her a lot and she's a lot more understanding.

The alcohol bit became true for one night though =(.

[*Uv_ragdoll*(Shelley)]

youve done really really well writing that letter i know it isnt easy. Idjust liek to say your not alone my experiences are really very simialr to yours, like very very simialr its hard to belive how much alike they are. Hope you can overcome some of these things and realise you strongger than fred, alex and john (i think thats what theyre called) and the woman who is following youabout. None of them can do anything to hurt you. xx

[Steel Maiden]

Thanks, your words are so touching.
Fred, Alex and John have become very nice to me since I stopped my meds. The Woman has become kind. Us five are all in our world together. I went out for a walk with my Mother and John was talking to me about a maths problem. I barely acknowledged what my Mother was saying, and I just listened to John. I worked out another formula for something as a result. The Woman told me to ignore my Mother so I do, generally. Fred suggests that I should read some more of that quantum mechanics stuff. I won't sleep tonight because the Woman reminded me of how I couldn't get to sleep until 2am last night and that there's no point forcing it tonight. Even if I go to bed at 3am and wake up at 6am, it doesn't matter.

[Pomegranate]

Why have you stopped taking your meds?