Okay, well as a bit of a background I'm currently in a sort of, group therapy program with CAMHS. So I've been going there three days a week since about March. We basically do the same sort of stuff that I did in hospital, except its not one (obviously!) Anyway, we have a psychologist, some nurses and a psychiatrist constantly observing us. Now the nurses seem to quite like me, but the psychologist - oh boy. He has decided that I'm basically messing him around and not trying to get better.
The reason? Because I
like having a mental illness because it means people treat me like i’m handicapped, and I
like that. I
like the attention that it brings, and I feel neglected when I’m well because then people don’t pay attention to me. They think they have it all figured out, maybe they do. Maybe they have access to a part of me that I just don’t want to see. But from where I’m standing, I want nothing more than to be ‘normal’, to be able to get out of bed in the morning, to get the thoughts out of my head that are keeping me there.
I suppose what I don’t like, is all the work that comes with that. What is stopping me from getting better, is the fact that I am not ready to face up to things that have happened. Things that they have no idea about, but that contribute heavily to the way I am now. I’m not ready to open up, to come to terms with things that I have spent the last four years attempting to erase from my mind. But I can’t
tell them that. And as for the attention thing, well, I have plenty of healthier ways of attracting attention to myself, that work…so why would I need to?
The psychologist has threatened to kick me out of the program if I don't start making a bit more progress, stop making a joke out of my problems and actually face up to them. He can't see that it is really helping me. He said the only reason he's keeping me there is cos he knows I'm trying hard not to SI. I don't know how to prove him wrong, would I have to tell him about the stuff I'm trying so hard not to? I doubt he would even believe me now that he thinks i'm an attention seeker and blah blah blah.
This is really getting me down, I really want to be there but I'm so scared he's going to kick me out. I've hardly thought about anything else all weekend and I can't sleep cos I go over it in my head so many times.
I don't know what I'm looking for. Well, I do...a bit of advice on how to convince him that I'm not wasting his time...the other people there don't seem to think it, I asked them, its just him. But I NEED him to believe me, to understand that I want to get better I just can't talk about some things. How can I stop myself getting kicked out of the only thing that helps me?
Sorry that was so long, I'm ridiculous.
