Triggering (SI) - bored of this now

Audrey · 22-06-2008, 06:52 PM

Hey,

I'm 30yrs old and still feel emotionally like a teenager. So so sick of this now.

Started harming again, doctor has upped my anti-depressants and told me there's 6mth waiting period for an NHS counsellor....

I'm convinced my boyfriend will end up leaving me, and yes, I do everything in my power to push him away (I guess then I'll be proved right). I love him so much, why do I do this?

I just don't trust anyone at the moment.

I've had the week of work and I'm due back on Tuesday. They've been great with me but I feel that when I go back everyone will be looking at me like I'm some kind of loser.

I wish I was normal and happy but I'm just not and I'm getting more and more frustrated with myself.......

I just want to break out of my head (does that make sense?)

I feel like screaming coz I hate myself SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! I have no clue why I'm like this. I'm way to ashamed for my family to know I'm like this. they've been through enough with me when I was a kid. I should be able to cope now I'm a grown up.

Sod it, what is the point anyway. I should just hide away or something and not be a burden anymore.....

Wish I knew why I was like this though

Sending love to those of you feeling similar

x

Audrey · 22-06-2008, 07:19 PM

nevermind

Yellow · 22-06-2008, 07:31 PM

*snuggles you*
i understand.
i push people away too....especially ones i love.
i think its a fear of rejection mostly. kind of like.....if i dont get too close to them, it wont hurt as much when they leave me?
im 31 and am still struggling. youre not by yourself.
im sorry things are so tough right now.
will be thinking of you.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

Audrey · 22-06-2008, 07:40 PM

Thanks for that, nice to know you're out there. x

irkeninvader · 22-06-2008, 08:15 PM

I don't have any advice right now but wanted to send you some *hugs*

Don't feel too disheartened when you don't get replies straight away, specially at weekends. It's often hard with the time difference, and there seem to be less people online during the day at weekends. Take care of yourself

Slip · 23-06-2008, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Audrey

I just want to break out of my head (does that make sense?)

I understand that... I wish I had answers, but I'm afraid I just don't.
*Massive Hugs*
xxxx

blondiebear · 23-06-2008, 04:37 PM

I understand wanting to escape from your own head.

I'm finally taking four different anti-depressants and it took about a year to work out the dosages.

I don't talk to my family, they just make things worse. They don't understand why I'm not miraculously cured. That's cause once I realised what was out there, what they called cured, is a different flavor of sick.

I think you are testing your relationship with your boyfriend. You don't have to. Love him and let him love you.

SallyMay · 23-06-2008, 06:43 PM

I just want you to know I did read your post and i do know how you feel! I a 22 and I dont cope in proper ways.. the key to doing that is trying to find better ways to cope before you go and harm yourself. Art, reading, writting, walks, ect...

also before you can trust others you need to be able to turst yourself! you need to know that you are an amazing person and can do amazing things!

Daydreamer · 23-06-2008, 09:56 PM

We are the same age and right now I am feeling exactly the same as you do right now...

Sneckie · 23-06-2008, 10:17 PM

I know how you feel . Im 30 too and feel that my life should all have been sorted by now

oh well ....

BoundNoMore · 23-06-2008, 10:28 PM

*hugs Audrey*

Merc · 24-06-2008, 06:54 AM

im sorry hunni, i feel the same much of thime.
but just because yoiu are an adult doesnt mean all the problems go away...thatst seem to be when they sstart!.
sorry nothing useful in the least, but io wanted you know you arerent alone and well help all we can
thinking of you
romp