Triggering (SI/OD) - I Can't Speak...I'm Scared.*updated*
ok...i can write and type but i cant talk. i only say words. i try to make sense but only a few words come at a time. i havent spoken to anyone on the phone because of this. i have the thoughts in my brain but cant transfer them to my mouth without great effort.
this happened to my grandma a few years back. they labelled her as having a "nervous breakdown".
thats how i feel. completely insane. my thoughts get jumbles but in my head i can still make sense of them. i just cant make the right words in order. god...im scared.
it started last night.....it was like someone was in my head blowing up a balloon and they put too much air and it popped.
all these pressures with the kids. Keith's bday coming up(July 1).
this has happened to me once before. i spent 4 months in a mental ward and was granted disability payments. that was 4 years ago. i dont want back in the hospital....i have had a few thoughts of si and OD because im so frustrated at not being able to communicate properly. i dont understand how i can write and type but not talk????
i just want to wake up and be better. its embarrassing and i cant even explain it without writing it down.
there is too much pressure here. chaos sometimes. i feel trapped and closed in. i feel out of control sometimes. i just want to sleep for a long time and wake up with a voice!!!!
im sorry....i know i sound crazy. but this has happened before and it scares me. its like my brain short circuits.
i just wanted to write because i cant talk about it for christs sakes. im really frustrated and scared.
im sorry.
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Last edited by Yellow : 23-06-2008 at 10:44 PM.
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
*hugs*
I have had that once, just before i totally blew andf was sectioned. I know you dontr want hosp. but its better than this right??
I know its scary but the more youfret about it (who wouldnt!!!() the worse it will get, honestly...thats what they told me ion hospital.
but i tend to just shutr t up and not answer ...or sleep...neither are good choices (
I wish i ghad some advice for you
does your doc know? could Kelly not talktop him for you and see what he says?? I htink mentioning it to him is sooooooooooooo important, however it gets done, so long as it does!
thinnking of you hun
romp
I am so sorry you are feeling this way hun. *hugs* Could you maybe type what you are feeling and bring it to the emergency room? I know they may admit you to hospital but it has to be better then feeling this way now doesn't it?
i will be seeing my therapist on Monday (2 days away) and Kelly will be with me if im still having this problem(she'll be with me anyway). and she can talk for me. but i can get words out...sometimes just not in order and really slow. i have to concentrate hard...and it gets really frustrating. i think my brain wants a break and this is the way its taking it. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
thank you again.
loves.
xxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
i have crumbled.
Kaleb(4 years old) just told me hated meTWICE!!!!
what have i done?????
all ive EVER done is love these kids!!!!
try to help them....bdays...christmas and EVERY other day!!!!!!!
all i want is to run to my son. i miss him so god awful. he has been through HELL and still he has gratitude...politeness...compassion...generosity.. .and LOVE. i miss him soooo much.
here i am trying to help with these kids and they just "spit" in my face or so it seems. i miss my little boy so much.
i dont know how to do this anymore.
i am in complete love with Kelly....but what about ME????
how do i take care of ME in this situation????
i only want to be a mother to my son. these kids are the epitamy of ungratefulness....
i just dont understand. i cant comprehend it. i try soooooo hard.
i love them. i want to help them. but it blows up in my face.
i have no clue as to why this little 4 year old boy would say he hates me.....
i may need hospital after all......cant stand this much longer. its making me ill. its making me regress. i dont want to fall anymore....
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
Rachel dear,
Whenever i feel worst, I don't talk. I can't. Sometimes when spoken words become difficult and I have to speak, the words come out in the wrong order or I can't find a word I want.
Sometimes it is much easier to write. That is fine. Just write here. Write in a journal. Write a list or outline for your therapist.
I don't have any miracles to give you. Wish I did.
*gives you loving cuddles*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time with Kelly's kids. Did something happen leading up to Kaleb saying he hated you? Children often don't really mean what they say, or don't understand the full impact of what they're saying.
It sounds like you need a break and some time out for yourself. If hospital is going to offer that, do you think maybe it would be a good idea? You need to look after your own sanity. Take care x
Hello sweets, I don't have much but mostly I want to give you massie cuddles! *cuddles away*
Honey if you ask Kaleb the next day if he hates you it's more than likely he wont even remember! Children live in the moment with these things. And children often don't mean what they're saying. At 4 he shouldn't even know what hate means!
With the talking thing, I really don't know. It may just be your brain taking a short holiday... you know the saying... "i let my mind wander and it hasn't come back" maybe that's about it hey? *cuddles* i'm sorry ihave nothing constructive to give really but i am sorry! *hugs*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
saw therapist today.....am talking a bit better.
ive been actually having fun....making fun of myself!!!! i sound so ridiculous....but im coming along.
had a good session.....i was in a good mood so we didnt go into anything really hard.
however.....i found out that he knew my best friend Jar, who died last year. we talked alot about him. kind of "rained on my parade" but im trying to think of all the good times Jar and i had.
im still wondering when and IF Keith is coming for his b-day. they simply wont give me a straight answer, plus i havent talked to him in 3 days because i cant. hopefully tomorrow i will be improved enough to call him.
we are getting a "star chart" ready for Kaleb. hopefully this will help with his behavior. he really isnt that bad for a 4 year old. its just overwhelming for me because he so close to Keith's age when i sent him away. its hard for me to live with a little boy.
anyhow.....thats bout it....
loves.
xxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
but........
here i go again....
i feel the crash coming
thats why im so careful with my happiness.....its always followed by a crash.
its always short-lived.
i just wish it would last longer damnit or not happen at all.
i want to cry now...but of course i cant.
so much i need to get out...then i might feel better again.
this is so pathetic.
i guess i should be grateful for the time my happiness lasted?
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
i dont understand? what could possibly be more important?????
im truly baffled and frustrated. i'll never understand it. and i never want to. there is no excuse. you dont know what im talking about but thats ok. i dont really want you to know.....
im just really at an end!!!!!!
please please please please please please let it get better!!!!!!!
for HIM!!!!!
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
(
TWICE!!!!
