Triggering (SI) - confused about taking care of myself

[TinkerDebs]

not really sure why im posting this - but i dont really know how i feel

i went to see my councellor - and for the 1st time ever i just completely took down my wall - previously i've tryed to make myself seem a little happier than i am - but it didn't really do much - and at the end of the day i was still stuck in my bad place
so i have like just completely let her see that actually i'm not happy - and in fact - my life/ death cycle of thinking is getting to a very short termist point whereby i take things day by day

i had a minor rant about a cut i dislike - she asked if i'd show her - and so it wasnt scary cause she's seen before - so i convinced myself not to freak out and showed her
she said it wasnt infected =] which was good but the bands i've been wearing to cover it have aggravated it =[

before i left she put a dressing on it for me so i could wear the bands and not make it worse
thing is; i dont take care of myself; EVER - letting her put it on sorta goes against everything i've done
she made the dressing bigger than it need be - so i've lost cut space - i've never taken care of myself - and i feel that she's slowly getting me to take care - and i dont know how i feel about it all

im really confused about changing my ways and looking after myself - i've always not given a crap about myself - now im slowing starting to look after myself - i find it a bit scary

am i just beeing really strange about this?
i know shes helping me and that its good but its kinda scary for me
am i the only one seeing things this way?

[Stellata]

I hear how hard it feels for you to care about yourself, to treat yourself kindly and gently. It seems like inside you're really conflicted about this. You've grown used, conditioned yourself - perhaps been conditioned by those around you? - to not care about yourself. Letting kindness in can be a real journey, real work, as you're finding. I know for myself, I have like a wounded animal side to my personality that can lash out when I feel unworthy or ashamed or deeply insecure. It's a terribly harsh place to be, almost like an internal torture chamber.

It's not strange to feel this way, conflicted about caring. I know I for one also have had struggles with this, but now am able much more, with the help of my therapist and GP, as well as managers at work, to care about myself in ways I never learnt to growing up.

[Sometimes Crazy]

Hiya,

You're not unusual at all, love. I also struggle with wanting to take care of myself, because I feel like I shouldn't take care of myself. *cuddles you very gently* I am so very proud of you for opening up to your counsellor - now hopefully she will be able to help you with your co-operation. It can be difficult to build back up our self-esteem if it's been destroyed (the reason why I have tended not to care for myself) but I am sure with her help you will be able to learn to love you and take care of you. Do you think you can talk to her about these feelings you are having? Stay safe sweetie,

xx

[TinkerDebs]

*cuddles you both*
thnaks guys - good to know im not alone with what i think
its just taking care of me isnt sometihng i feel i should do - i've never really felt im worth actually taking care of
i may well tell her about how i feel - cause sometimes i just drop in now and then what i thought of something that happened last time - like if i got freaked out - i mention it - so it wont happen again sorta thing

thanks though