Triggering (SI) - Stop giving up

sparky_jro · 19-06-2008, 07:20 AM

*Pre-warning* This is going to be pissy, and I really need to get it out, its a serious concern but not directed at anyone in particular.

I really wish that people would stop giving up on me. I know I am a hard case and that when I get going it is hard as hell to stop me, but god, it feels like no one tries. They do their normal stint to stop someone and then move on when it doesn't work leaving me alone to deal with my problems. I break my back to help everyone searching all my thoughts and knowledge to help them and I actively try to learn about people so I can help others better, but I don't seem to be seeing any of that in return.

I go see doctors and they tell em they haven't seen anything like me, and then they don't take the time to actually try to figure out anything beyond that. I get it, I don't have any past reasons for this, I don't have all the signs, I am not an obvious fix, I get it. I wouldn't have this problem if it was easy. If it was easy I would have been happy by now. It's not my fault that I have an unknown desire to end my life. Its not my fault that I have a draw to habits, especially painful ones, it isn't my fault that I don't know why. When I say I don't know, I mean I DON'T KNOW what is wrong, I am not trying to avoid the problem. That doesn't mean I don't need help. I sit here freaking the hell out and I get no help, is no one willing to take the time, to understand me, I'm complicated I know, but I just want to get better, really.

I'm losing control, and I can't bring myself back, I have used all that I know to bring myself back and I am slipping fast. I need some more help, I don't know how, if I did I would be doing it, all I know is that I am losing a battle and no one seems to know how to keep me in the fight and no one seems to be trying. Yes I know it seems like I an fighting you, that is because the part that wants it is in control, he will fight you, I wouldn't have this problem if he wasn't in control, that doesn't mean give up on me. The last thing I need is someone else giving up on me when I have already given up on myself. Gah! I need help.

Stellata · 19-06-2008, 07:58 AM

I hear how much you want, need, to be understood. For someone to care enough to find out how things look like through your eyes and heart.

True, it's not your fault you're struggling with the things you're struggling with. But with the right kind of help you can slowly start to take responsibility now for living with your feelings safely.

I'm complicated too, and have felt similar to you at times. But I've found if you search and trust hard enough, there are people out there who want to understand and know.
And sometimes that understanding doesn't always look like how we expect it would be.

Animad · 19-06-2008, 08:05 AM

Have you told your doc/counsellor/therapist how you feel? Maybe if you tell them that you're struggling and don't think you're getting anywhere with them then they might change tact or try and delve further into your problems(?!). Sorry, I haven't got any real advice as I've never been in your situation but I thought I'd just reply and say I've read through it and stuff and I do care. Hopefully someone will come and be able to give you better advice then i have