Triggering (Suicide) - If I'm nothing then why is wrong for me to kill myself?
I'm the devil.
I'm evil.
I'm stupid.
I'm good for nothing.
I'm lazy.
I'm an awful girlfirend.
I'm a horrible daughter.
I might as well quit uni now 'cause I'm never gonna finnish it.
I'm responsible for having been molested.
I can't keep a job.
I can't do anything right!
My boy will dump me one of these days for a more decent girl.
I'm crazy, I have a record, I've been in a psychward.
I'm not considerate.
I'm ungrateful.
Everyone is better of with me dead so I might as well just get it over with instead of wastin people's time with my manipulations.
Basically, if I'm all of these things and more (according to my mother) then why is it wrong for me to just ****ig leave? If I am all of these things and I am constantly reminded of it then isn't it normal for me to feel like I, and everyone else, will be better of if I'm dead?
Oh, but if I even ponder suicide It means I'm sick and crazy, I have to be sedated and locked up.
No, the only thing that can help me is drugs and seclusion, then I'll feel better...and after I'm returned to the rest of society I'll be told how I am crazy because I just came out of a psychiatric hospital...this is what will make me feel better, not love and compasion, not being held and understood nah, give me drugs, hospitals, a lable and some more insults please. Only then will I want to live more, only then!
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
If that list is what your mother is saying to you, about you, then she's the one with a problem, not you.
If that's what she thinks, then it sounds to me as if she's jealous of you and your accomplishments. And you do have them!
You're in uni, that is a difficult thing to do anyway. You stayed there, that is also a difficult thing to do.
You have a boyfriend! I would lurve to have one of them of my very own! That is a very difficult thing to do - and to keep.
And, if you're the devil, then you can't 'leave' unless you take a god with you.
Also, we'd miss you. Really.
I think staying in uni will be a good thing, especially if you are not living at home. I had a great time at uni, but i also had bad times too. But all in all, i enjoyed it, and it allowed me to be away from my parents and siblings, and other family. Which was good!
You're none of the list you've written, Honey. You're strong, intelligent, giving, nice and lovely, and well worth the space you have on this planet.
Take care, and be safe
Lozxx
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
hun, youre not the devil, youre not good for nothing and youre not better off dead...
i can relate to a lot of the things you have said, hun, i know how you feel, but you have to keep fighting,
im at uni too hun, and i know how hard it is to battle verything else as well as being at uni, but youll get there hun, you will, im having to do my degree with an extra year, because things were bad this year so i missed a lot, so now its goona take me 4 years in total...could you do something like that? or defer a year? till things are a little year, you can finish uni hun, even if it takes a little longer than every one else
im here if you ever need me, pm me anytime, love lora xxx
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
because you arent nothing
and you arent responsible for being molested, and you arent stupid, and the people who buy into stupid labels and call you crazy are the ones who are stupid and they arent worth your time anyway
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
You are who you say you are and not what anyone else says you are. Thinking about suicide is actually what I think...a normal occurance. Most people I know have thought about it....most parents are afraid to think about it.
Anyway I don't think you're sick or crazy or any of those things. You would be missed though...even though I don't really know you.
just because one pereson thinks those things it doesnt mean the rest of the world does. you seem like a wonderful person who has a lot of people that really care about you. you're not those things to them. remember that and dont throw your life away because someone ekse is thinking stuff like that. please take care and stay safe *hugs* feel free to pme me.
Hon that list is a load of cr*p.
I agree with everyone else. You are a worth while person. Callie's right when she tells you that people who subscribe to lables (like crazy, which is totally rediculous btw) are the ones with he problem. As for school, I know it sometimes feels like you're not going to make it but that's just how uni is :s. I know, I'm still there.
Take care of yourself.
*hugs*
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I know it's a load of crap but it all coming from my own mother hurts like hell. My bf was mad when I told him what she said, especially the crazy part, and had a talk with her. Told her how having been in a psych hospital doesn't make a person crazy. I don't think it got through to her but he was still angry and offended.
I felt so loved though, seeing him stand up for me like that.
Another one of her lovely comments went like this:
Mom: "Your husband should get you a home and buy you your things"
Me: "He's not my husband, not yet."
Mom: "If you sleep with him then he is and how stupid are you that you let him have you for free?"
Me: "Free? I don't sell myself, are you saying I should charge him for sex?"
Mom: "He should give you everything, he's so comfortable...having you for nothing."
Me: He has me because we love each other, I'm not a prostitute, if I get things in exchange for sex that would make me a prositute...selling myself. I don't do that, EVER."
Mom: "Is this what I've raised? Didn't you learn anything from me? How to handle a man? You're so stupid."
Me: "You're wrong!"
Mom: "They said at the hospital that people like you always think that they're right and never admit to being wrong, you think you know it all...*mockingly* you're always right."
arggggg how much more ignorant, selfish, blind and hurtfull can she get? But no, I am wrong and she's right...that's why I must be all those things.
Last edited by Ileana : 20-06-2007 at 05:32 AM.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
btw, I, in no way believe or think I am always right. Actually, I seldom am but regarding this I firmly believe I am...and I don't think I'm the only one who does.
I know it's wrong to treat people like that, I know that is not love and I know how much it hurts.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
Much thanx for reading and even more for replying to such nonsense, of course I know she's wrong...it's just that sometimes I sort fo forget. Thank you all.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
Honey, please don't be insulted by what I've got to say next: Have you read Carrie by Stephen King? Coz your mother sounds like Carrie's mother to me!
She is a very weird person thinking like that about you being with your bf. What the f**k is going through her head when she said that? I wonder!
'giving it away for free'? Is that what she thinks love is about? My, my, my! Your mother should be a psychologist's dream! they'd have a job for life trying to sort out the brain on that woman.
But despite her, you're still lovely.
Lozx
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
Thank you all so much, you're all so lovely.
You have helped me so much.
I needed to hear (read) all this. I needed to know I'm not those things and that I'm not the one who's wrong here...even thought I know deep inside, I need to know it form someone else so thanx.
Trucktastic, I haven't read Carrie but my bf has. I have some idea of how her mother is however.
She's like that though, it's all about how much you can get form someone. How to get "as much as you can form them".
When I was a kid she'd punish and yell at me for not being able to get "what I can" from people and not being able to manipulate them into giving me things. I never liked doing that, it made me feel so low. She was always going off about how to get things from others.
She also hated it when I gave away things claiming hat "no one ever gave me anything for free" so I couldn't give things away. When I gave away some of my toys that I NEVER played with she hit me...and one halloween I gave my best friend a whole bag of candy I didn't want and she yelled at me and then punished me for being "so stupid".
She always told me to get a guy with money and from an afluent family so he could "take well care of me" and her as well. Unfortunately for me she doesn't believe in love, she doesn't believe it exists so she thinks relationships are about getting what you can from one another. She also doesn't believe in firendship, she thinks everyone is a fake and is out to betray you or take form you. I sense some paranoia in that. This is why she once tried to separete me from my best friend and poisoned me about how she wasn't really my friend.
She also belives that my husband has to help her monetary wise.
She doesn't know how much she hurts me.
Last year I was suicidal but I knew I couldn't tell her this...she wouldn't know how to handle it, so I told my ex boyfriend and he told her...she subsequently said the most hurtfull thnig she could...she asked me if it was true I was suicidal and when I said it was she said, "Go ahead, kill yourself. Better for me, less problems. Besides, I know your doing this just to manipulate me but it won't work so go ahead and kill yourself, I'll be better off, you can't manipulate me with this!" I was not manipulating her though, as I hadn't told her (I never would)...she claimed the same thing the second time around, just last month but as before, I hadn't told her...so how am I manipulating her when I never tell her?
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
She's also very much against me adopting a child, which I've been telling her I want to do since I was 5 years old...and my bf is backing me up on that now as well. She thinks I'm stupid (again) for wanting to raise
"someone else's kid, who's not my problem".
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
