Triggering (Suicide) - ='[

[trina1723]

sorry to be posting, i dont deserve any replies cuz im so useless and never help anyone.

im so useless i cant even help myself. and now im so useless that my psychologist from camhs is gunna give up on me.
he said he cant help me if i dont invite him into my life and start talking. but i cant. i just freeze and cant talk. and now hes giving up on me.

i mean hes a professional and he should be able to make me feel better right? well why cant he? i just want to give up for good.
whats the point in trying because i know damn well i cant do this by myself and now im not gunna have anyone to try and help me.
maybe he hates me and wants me dead?
maybe thats why he told me its ok to si and purge.
yeah maybe i should please him and everyone else and just give up.
i have been trying the very hardest i can and nothing has changed.
i am weak.
i cant even make myself happy.
i need someone to help me do it. but the one person i have is giving up on me and now i dont know what to do.

sorry i dont expect and replies cuz i know there is nothing you can do cuz im so useless, and also because i dont help anyone else and dont deserve and help myself.
so sorry for wasting your time and space
=[.

[Nineflyz]

you're not useless just struggling. him giving up on you doesn't mean that you have to give up on yourself.
i struggle to talk to my psychologist big time but she can only help me as much as i allow her to. that doesnt' mean i have to blurb everything out all at once or even in any kind of rapid sucession but i do have to try.
it's not worth giving up, find a new psych start from scratch but don't give up
big hug and tight sqeeze - you can do it and you are worth it

[trina1723]

thanks so much for the replies =]

i guess i might not be ready for help yet, but i thought i was before i asked. maybe its because when i asked everything moved so fast, people telling my mum and then the doctors then camhs and i had no control over anything and i wasnt even asked if i wanted to go to the doctors or camhs, i was forced to. i mean i do want to go there it just all happened so fast, does that make sense?

and i really do want help and i have been trying my hardest and doing everything he tells me to do. its just so frustrating.
i dont know what else i can do to help myself, i really dont.
well apart from talking which i try so so hard to do i just cant.
i dont know why, i want to, i really do, its just it cant physically say anything, the words are there but they wont come out, i wish i could talk i just dont know how.
='[ i feel so pathetic, like im not helping myself, but i really dont know what else to do =|. argh.

[starshine]

your not useless, i can see how you may think that cause of your pysch but your not

[trina1723]

yeah i guess, i feel so out of control at the moment and i hate it.

i have written things down to show him before and he said it is helpful, but just generally in our sessions i dont say anything so like when he asks stuff they have to be yes or no so i can nod. its so anoying and hes obvioulsy fed up of it. fed up of me.

what do you mean by trying to access my subconscious?

[trina1723]

yeah that makes sense, and no he hasnt done anything like that.

he has asked me to write in the sessions before but i couldnt do that either, or draw. ugh its my fault he cant help me.

if he discharges me then my mum and dad will think im better and that everything is fine and i doubt they would take me to see someone else. and i dont think id be able to go to the doctors and ask by myself because i would freeze again. ='[ im so pathetic.

my mum is always moaning at taking me there because she has to miss work sometimes so she would be happy if i didnt go anymore.
im obviously not the most important thing to her.
im just the failure of the family.
and my dad is just horrible, when i was having a bad day he started trying to make me feel sorry for him cuz he didnt know what to do. all i wanted was to be by myself.
so they will be happy if im discharged.
maybe its best for everyone else if i am?

[glitter]

It doesn't matter whether your parents want you to be there or not, It's whether you need or want the help, and it sounds to me like you do. I used to be just like you (my psych still calls me difficult all the time) and it took a stupid number of sessions before I managed to open up. I think the thing that worried me most was 1. sounding ridiculous and 2.having absolutely no idea of how to talk about my problems. The first time, I spent a couple of days practising what I was going to say, so when I got there I couldn't chicken out. After that he asked questions about what I'd said, and I found it easier to respond. Maybe start with one or two word answers, and try and build on it. How long have you been seeing him? Just remember that he is there to help you, and he is clearly trying to do so. He will understand anything you have to say, and it might be just what you need. *hug*

[Fitzwilliam]

*huggles*
You are not useless Trina ! You are amazing. And if he gives up on you it will be a shame, but could you not get referred to someone else if you don't feel comfortable with you? Could be worth a try.
I don't think it'll be better for anyone if you stopped going, and even if they think so, it isn't better for you, and you need this !

Sam x

[trina1723]

i just cant tell him anything really, and i guess i could tell you lot some stuff, i already have in other posts, just there are some things that i dont think i could tell anyone.
id ask him to see someone else there but i just cant because i feel rude and horrible.
i have just started having meetings with someone from connexions at my school and she is really nice but she isnt a councellor or anything but she might be able to help me find someone else to see.

umm i have been going for about 3 months i think, i go weekly.

and i really have no idea what would help me, well there is one thing and thats not gunna happen ever anyway so there is no hope there. but i cant think of anything else.

thanks for all the replies =] you lot are amazing!

[Sleepless123]

Hey Trina i just wanted to say i dont see you as bad or failing or difficult or anything like that.

In fact i see a person who is trying their absolute hardest!Thats what i see in you and that is so brave and wonderful.

i feel i experience similar to you in many of the things you talk about.

i struggle a lot with communication sometimes but also with me i can also really struggle with trust which can also take me a very very long time.

You can only do your best and i think you are.

Please talk to your woman from Connexions about a change in therapist if you think this would benefit you?

Please dont think you are being rude or horrible.

Different people click with different people.

That is the same with therapists and clients just like it is in life in general.

i know its an uncomfortable situation but if you really feel it necessary it may really help you to change therapist and you may find more benefit from your sessions.

Also i know you say it will never happen and you certainly dont have to share it with us if you dont want to but what is the one thing that you have thought may help you?

i hope you keep posting if you are finding it useful and also please feel free to PM me anytime too.

[nowhereman]

You're not useless, you're trying and that says a lot. My therapist always said the work had to be done by me and she was just there to guide me. And as was said, maybe you're not ready to open up yet. It's not an easy thing to do. So don't be so hard on yourself, just keep trying.

[trina1723]

i think to feel loved by my family would help me loads.
but thats not gunna happen.
i mean this morning my mum was shouting at me cuz she is fed up of spending half her life trying to sort me out.
i didnt even ask her to do anything for me so i cant see why she cant just piss off if she doesnt wanna waste her time with me
what she said really really hurt me, i know she hates me and it hurts. i have spent most of the day at school crying and no one even asked if i was ok.
everyone hates me
its like im invisible ='[

i dont know if i change in therapist would help, i guess not cuz i still wouldnt be able to talk.
i have no hope left.
i really dont wanna be here anymore and today i realised that no one would even care if i was gone.
='[ i cant stop crying.