Ally's 'Pointless and Pathetic Rambles' thread*possble triggers for SI, OD, and who knows*
Just what it says... Pointless and pathetic... But I can't text my friend to share with her the particular revelation that prompted the creation of this thread because they're an hour ahead of us and probably in bed by now... And I figured it probably wasn't appropriate for me to continue to just ramble and complain in the psych ward... And while I don't feel altogether right about creating a thread 'out here' as I am not very good at supporting 'out here'... It seems like my best option...
Last edited by ~*forever_broken*~ : 18-06-2008 at 01:09 AM.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Your rambles aren't pointless and pathetic. I don't understand exactly what is going on but I am worried about you and thinking of you sweetie. Please try not to SI or OD. I love you xxxx
This last major depressive episode (I think possibly the worst one I've had) has caused me to really withdraw, not socialise unless absolutely necessary... And I think has cost me my best friend.
It started some time last spring I think and was probably at it's worst this summer/fall (though in some ways it's still pretty bad). I stopped doing everything I once enjoyed and only socialised when I felt obligated to. I stopped going out with friends to party (preferring to stay home and get plastered alone). I only did that which was absolutely necessary (work, uni, that type of thing) and I wasn't even consistent with those (calling in sick to work, skipping my lectures).
One of the things I mentioned above was that I stopped going out and partying. In the mean time my best friend (and room mate) continued to go out and spend time with our friends, to the point that they became 'her' friends more than 'ours'. No big deal. But then she started to become less interested in our friendship and hanging out and more interested in going out, and hanging out with everyone else, away from our apartment.
Alright, so maybe that's a little, I don't know, bothersome, but what's the big problem? What makes me think I'm losing my best friend?
I think it really hit me when she talked about another friend asking her to switch rows with someone for graduation so the could sit together.. And she was going to do it (we had been in the same row and so could sit together). Traumatic? Maybe not but we've been friends for fifteen/sixteen years. Our parents were even confused when she mentioned it. They just assumed we would sit together. And so had I. FYI, she didn't switch and we did walk in together and sit together... But only because I layed a guilt trip on her (you know 'You know, it kind of stings that you've decided to sit next to someone who, comparatively speaking, you haven't known all that long'.
To wrap it up: She's pretty much stopped hanging out here, she only invites me to go out if someone else (usually the guy who's place we usually go to) suggests it, and the eye opener, my best friend, my friend of fifteen/sixteen years, was going to walk at graduation with someone who is a relatively new (and one of those transitory uni friends) friend. And I know that may sound silly but walking at graduation is a big deal, you know?
The 'I'm not sure I really care' part? I'm just not. I don't feel much of anything when I think about it. As a matter of fact the most I'm feeling as I write this is some vague, indescribable feeling, not about this, but about the fact that my friend (who was awake) isn't understanding... And I am allowing myself to believe it is because she doesn't care. Stupid.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
not stupid
i think i would feel the same way honey
have you talked to her about it? told her it hurt you and you are worried about your friendship? maybe you could tell her some of your suspicions and let her know that the reason you have been withdrawing and not spending as much time with her is nothing personal at all, no reflection on her, just due to your private issues? if you have been friends this long, i would bet that you have been through ups and downs before and that she would understand
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE GRADUATION lovely RYL Twin
i know that it was a bit of a hurdle and you probably arent in a position to feel congratulatory right now, but you do deserve congrats
not everybody even goes to college, and plenty who do dont graduate, but you did despite so much crap going on so good on you hun!!!
If you've been friends for so long it sounds like it would be a good idea to talk to her about how you feel (if you haven't already). You sound like you don't want to lose her, but maybe she doesn't really understand why you're withdrawing herself. Sorry I don't have many words of wisdom, I don't have a great track record with choosing/keeping friends. I hope it works out well for you
Good advice except she already knows. She's known for a long time that I'm depressed (not that she ever really seemed concerned). I think the SI and the baby sitting she had to do when I was told it's either that or hospital... I think she's just fed up or something. Fed up with my withdrawing, fed up with my cutting, drinking, etc. Just fed up.
*sigh* ODd last night... can't decide if the spacy feeling I've got is due to that or lack of food (haven't eaten much at all today)... one more three hour shift and I can go home
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
*hugs Emma*
Probably should see a doc but I won't. More trouble than it's worth.
lol and I'll eat when I get home.
Ugh, the OD wasn't any fun. Only the second time it has happened this way but I felt SO odd... I can't describe it except it kept making me curl up or some sort of movement because it felt awful... like every cell inside me was electrefied or something :S Thank God I finally fell asleep...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Don't think OD's are supposed to be fun ;) Glad you managed to get some sleep. Not going to lecture you about going to the doctor because you know it all already but if you start to feel really crappy please go?
As for the other stuff, sometimes friends don't know how to react and deal with us when we are depressed and withdrawing. We can either see it as them not caring or as them caring too much, so much so that they can't bear to see us get hurt. I'm not trying to justify what she is doing, because believe me I know how much it hurts when it happens but maybe she is trying to protect herself. I know it doesn't make it better but try not to dwell too much on it.
Well, this thread is at least good for getting stuff out I suppose.
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I'm grateful to my supervisor for finding me some work at my job with uni dining. That said...
The guy I had sex with last summer (*cough* my first and only time *cough*) is working there this summer as well. I see him multiple times a day.
Now before y'all think it; he didn't rape me, it was consensual. However I was REALLY drunk (to the point of almost passing out). And now every time I think about I feel... Ashamed or embarrassed, I'm not sure... Maybe both. Seeing him so many times in a day... Well when I see him it makes me feel awful. Multiple times today when I saw him I wished to die, thought about slitting my wrists. I know it's unreasonable and that my reaction to him is an OVER reaction... But that's the way it is. I know it's stupid as it's not like it was rape or anything... My fault, I was WAY too drunk... I think it was even my idea...
So what is this uncomfortable reaction?
Must be guilt. My fault...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Give yourself permission to be modest and guarded around him. Don't say more than you need to. Just be cooly polite.
Forgive yourself. My favorite line in the Lord's Prayer is "Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us." God has already forgiven you.
Go easy on yourself.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
New development: I also work with his girlfriend. Who is a absolute sweet heart (though I wish shed ask me about my arms and get it over with as there is that familiar elephant in the room) but still...
Have to go home between shifts and I'm glad. I'm going to put together my 'travel kit' and bring it back with me. There's no way I can do this all day without the option of cutting...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I'm starting to think I've taken on too much responsibility as far as the 'drunken sex' with this guy goes. Turns out a good handful of girls at work have hooked up with him... And it's interesting that the common theme in all the stories I've heard is that all the girls seem to have been REALLY drunk, much more so than him.
Makes me wonder just how much responsibility I should be taking...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Sounds like this guy is a kind of predator. Like you don't have a lot of responsibility.
Forgive yourself and let it go.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I agree with Susan. Try not to be too hard on yourself about it. If there are lots of other girls that have been in the same situation with the same guy, it sounds like he's on the lookout for one thing when he's out.
i agree with Susan.
after hearing that....im thinking that you may not be responsible and you should really give yourself a break. guilt breaks us down so hard. i wish you werent going through this Ally.
please be good to yourself.
loves.
xxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
Thanks all. In his defense he ware really nice, actually asked several times to make sure... But I think he should have just said 'You know what? You're really intoxicated, maybe this isn't the best time'... Though I suppose it was up to me...
*sigh* no worries I guess, not like I can change it...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
