Triggering - The Downward Spiral *Triggering Suicide, SI, OD*

[Gentlementalmen]

hey. this is something i wrote for english last year... i never actually submitted it because i didnt want my teacher to read between the lines etc... Sorry if it breaks any rules... if it does i'm happy to take it off.

Hospital. The incessant beeping drills into his skull, intensifying the severe headache as he comes around. It didn’t work.
It didn’t work.
His head is swimming- attempting to align itself with its current reality. His eyes open slowly, coming to terms with the alien white environment.
The source of the beeping is discovered: his damned heartbeat, taunting him with its consistent refusal to abide by his wishes. The psych team are coming to talk to him. He closes his eyes, and sinks into darkness again.
Why didn’t it work? Didn’t I take enough pills? Were the cuts too shallow?
The shrink told me I have to see another one once I get out of this damned place. They’ll probably put me on sedatives or the like. The nurse said I’m lucky... that now I’ve got a second chance. Bulls**t.

***

The little orange container stares at him from the bathroom shelf. The boy reaches for it and takes his prescribed dose. They should be starting to work by now…
[a pill to make you numb]
Therapy continues as usual. Exploring his past and its repercussions. Cognitive behavior therapy. Trying to change the way he thinks. Reminding him to take his meds.
‘How can I be sure you won’t try it again before I next see you?’
Truthfully, you can’t. neither can I. but I will try. I promise.
[a pill to make you dumb]
Home. He signs on to msn and his other pointless social sites. The sun sinks below the horizon, dragging his precarious mood with it. Arienette isn’t online. He can’t call her. Not that she would try in the slightest to befriend him any more than she needs to. Nobody else to talk to.

Slightly ironic, isn’t it? The people I want to be further away from keep trying to get closer, and the ones I really want to be close to keep their distance. Maybe it’s the way I act, or the way I talk. Everything about me is just ****ed up and they can see that. Who would want to be friends with something like me? I wouldn’t.
[a pill to make you anybody else]

[brap_brap]

that is good

[PaperClip]

rele good - are you going to add some more?

Yes this is very good, I really like it, I hope you'll add more xx

[Gentlementalmen]

here's a bit more... hope you guys like

The boy’s knees are protesting against the hard wooden kneeler. Ignoring them, he looks at the altar. Tries to concentrate, to understand the immense meaning of all this and perhaps even find some for himself. The old priest is standing up at the front, rattling off pre-designed rules so the people don’t have to think anymore.

Help me. This is beyond my control and I can’t do anything about it. Are you even there? They say you are.


***

I can’t think clearly. I’m sure my thoughts were clearer than this before I went on medication. It’s like my thoughts are dangerous, so they protect me from myself by dulling my last resource. I suppose the happy people you see don’t think much. They just are happy because they block everything else out. Ignorance is bliss, apparently. Maybe I should try it out.

The psychiatrist is pleased. His efforts seem to be having an effect. The boy is taking his meds and doesn’t talk like he did when he was fresh out of hospital. Seems like he’s finally found a shred of meaning to hang on to. It is unfortunate he doesn’t have any friends- he’s been a loner for most of his life. But he should cope.
The boy sits silently at his desk, staring absently at his notebook. Random doodling and lyrics cover the page. Pointless. He scratches out the picture he’d been working on for the last hour violently. A ****ing waste of time. So he gets good grades. What’s that supposed to mean? Dedication to studies. Good future. Can get into uni, get a well-paid job. Have children; be rich enough to send them to this school so they can get good grades. So they can get into uni. To get a good job.

This isn’t working. As in therapy and drugs. He can’t make me better. He’s just a drug pusher with a PhD. Why do they keep me here? They stay here. Yes, but they don’t feel like you. They like it. So they force everyone else to put up with it. What’s wrong with deciding to go? It’s my life so I can choose whether I want to stay here or not. They say it’s selfish. Selfish for someone who has people who depend on them for something. I say it’s selfish for them to keep me here. I’m sick of this already. Why wait until you start deteriorating to die? This place is insane.

[Netsirkylime]

wow.. this is very good.. very very good.. a lot of emotion behind it... amazing

OOo I'm loving it (Y)

[Gentlementalmen]

thanks!

[PaperClip]

wow - - **jumps up and down excitedly** - - \cant wait for more!!

[Gentlementalmen]

here's the last bit... oh, by the way, the bit at the end is lyrics from nine inch nails's song 'the downward spiral'

Swarms of flies plague the weeds next to the road as the stench of animal manure enters the boy’s car. A fly lands on his hand. He crushes it against the dash, hating it for its short, simple life.
Outside the cinema is a couple. Wait. It’s Arienette…kissing Ryan! She didn’t bother to tell him? Maybe she knew how much it would hurt him… But then she wouldn’t know. No one would. His stomach contorts as his last scrap of hope is ground into mud. The tires squeal as he speeds away.
Nothing. Nothing left at all. No more thought. No more reason, not that it made a difference in the first place. The feeling he had become so used to wrenches the insides that it grips so tightly. Only one option left. And how beautiful it now is…





he couldn't believe how easy it was
he put the gun into his face..

-bang-

[so much blood for such a tiny little hole]
problems do have solutions, you know
a lifetime of ****ing things up fixed in one determined flash

everything's blue
everything's blue in this world
the deepest shade of mushroom blue

all fuzzy
spilling out of my head

[PaperClip]

WOW - cant believe its all finished - wd hun!

[thewordwasaphex]

Loving the use of the actual Downward Spiral lyrics at the end there; possibly the most chilling song lyrics I've ever read, and used brilliantly!
Also, I can't help but enjoy the irony of putting a couple of lines from Coma:White in there too.

Hope to see more, mercreature!

[Gentlementalmen]

yay you noticed the coma white lyrics too XD
thanks :)

[scaredofme]

wow.

that was brilliant. I love your style of writing, and the depth of emotion and truth is fantastic.

Pure feeling. Amazing.