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Triggering (Substance Abuse) - could i have been somewhat addicted?
so for the past two months or so, i have started messing around with alcohol and marijuana. besides being a bad idea in the first place, i am on some serious psych meds, so especially the alcohol was downright dangerous. (i actually passed out and hit my head on the bathroom wall and i only had two drinks) but i never thought i was addicted. i mean i figured i only use the stuff a few times a week, so how could i be an addict? so anyway, i ended up in the hospital, and my parents found out what i was doing. i'm 19, but they still get upset at me, cause i live with them. so i promised to stop. (it sounded like a pretty good way of staying out of the hospital too)
anyway, last night, i went to the club where i was stripping. (i actually quit that, i don't think it was too healthy). but anyway, i was a bit nervous while dancing, probably from drinking too much caffeine (and the fact that everyone including my managers were finding ways to make fun of me). and all i could think was oh if i just had a couple of shots, i'd be fine. and the thing was, my friend was sneaking some for herself and offering me some. (after she told me she'd help me be sober) it kind of irritated me that she'd try to get me to drink, on the day that i had gotten out of the hospital.
but anyway i wonder if i was a little addicted to the mood, cause i wanted that feeling of carelessness so bad. actually my friends are really irritating me, cause my other friend who's over age was like, oh just wait a couple weeks then we'll take it right before you take your meds and we'll get drunk and it'll be fun. and this is a friend who was getting on me for drinking! so besides being irritated at the lack of support i'm getting for staying clean and sober, i'm wondering if i was somewhat emotionally addicted and how to battle that. i mean i'm not going through withdrawls or anything, but it's just so tempting to smoke some weed when it's right in front of me and i know it will chill me out. (i'm not saying it's good in the long run at all)
but yeah i know it's dangerous taking 4 meds, particularly the ones i'm on (seraquil, lithium, klonopan, and tegretol) and what makes me even more worried is that the nurse just mentions how i should only use klonopan when needed, cause it's addictive. well the doctor told me to use it every day TWICE for the past couple months! so i'm probably addicted to that too and if i stop it will have incessant anxiety attacks as i did before! i'm so sick of having to use chemicals to keep me feeling ok, legal or not. so yeah sorry for the rant but that's what i'm dealing with right now.
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