sorry for posting, i dont wanna take up space but just feel so rubbish, hoping getting it out my brain will help
changed my pill other wk and have to say was starting to feel a whole lot better but then:
1) one of my friends that i trusted with this secret started sending me horrid horrid texts, i did post somewhere, not sure where now, now i just feel lonely without out her and feel like its my fault that it happened in the first place, which if im being rational i know it isnt
2) i work as a podiatrist for the nhs, and part of that i do home visits but am supposed to do 5 instead of 6 in a session cos of my back, but people in the office know that i have an inability to say no and basically take advantage. anyway was having a meeting with my managers and they asked how my clinics were going and said only thing really getting me down is the home visits cos mine are never in same area, get more than supposed to and basically get taken advantage of. so she said she would sort it. went back to the office and told the lady in charge of the doms this and said that we had discussed it and really wasnt a reflection on her just got asked the question and i answered it.
next day i notice even after this conversation my next session was all over the place, new patients booked in for much shorter times than needed etc so i emailed my manager not thinking anything about it.
come to work on monday and the lady that deals with home visits was being really off with me, checked my emails and had a horrid one from her sayign i had stabbed her in the back and she thought we could talk etc bla bla bla.... i was like hang on i told you i had spoken to them, said that i had been really unhappy for a long time and needed to look after myself, it wasnt anything about her. so seemed to have pissed someone else off.
3) my colleague and best friend(becky)at work has just gone on maturnity leave and we were interested in gettin another lady to help cover triage (even tho she is an assistant so not properly qualified for the job but she knows her stuff) becky had a meeting with the managers and they said it wasnt possible for this lady to cover we would need someone else, and becky ssaid she would tell her. didnt think anything of it at all until wed, get an email just directed to me...."sometime ago you and becky asked me to think about covering triage, i have just overheared that someone else is going to do it, would have been nice to have been told rather than have to hear from someone else" now wtf am i to blame.
nowpeople in 1,2,and3 are very close and talk about everything and seem to be dropping hints while im in the office about how pissed of people are...basically saying its my fault.
just feel so unbelievably sh!te!! i really dont cope with rejection or the thought that ive upset people even not on purpose. the only reason i get through work is that i have friends and in the last wk i have pissed off 2 (1 does not work with us anymore, left bout yr ago)
i really dont wanna be at work but dont know how to ask for sick leave, we are #SSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO busy at the mo in clinic cos of people leaving, mat leave, sick leave etc and i will feel SOOOOOO guilty but i dont know how i can go on living and working when so unhappy. havent sh'd in bout 9 days but am thinkning about it, but more and more im thihnking abiut whether i can be bothered to fight this crap or just give up witht this stupid worthless life where i am jut miserable and upset everyone
if anyone bothers to read the whole of this post you deserve a medal....sorry x
this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!! 
(hope your ok katch *hugs*)
