Triggering (SI/Suicide) - The time has come

AMS1 · 13-06-2008, 08:47 AM

Tonight my younger son and last dependent get his final uni exam results.
I've hung onto life to get them both to this stage in their lives. It's been a dreadfully difficult journey and I'm so tired of feeling the way I do that I feel I've come to that place I always aimed for. I'm so scared and so defeated by my circumstances in life.....
Can't type anymore. sorry.........

13-06-2008, 09:00 AM

*squishes*

sorry your feeling down hun hope your gonna be ok. x

Margo · 13-06-2008, 11:30 AM

........and he is going to need you for his graduation and when he gets his first home and when he gets married and has his first child and man, so so many things.

We dont stop needing our parents regardless! I truely believe that goes for anyone and everyone no matter what relationship they have had; good or bad!

So now you have new goals regarding the kids as mentioned in the first paragraph. Boys need their moms.............

Now go look for something nice to wear for his graduation and grin evily at the thought of embarrasing him afterwards by smothering him with kisses and smudging lipstick on his cheek infront of all his mates. :P

AMS1 · 13-06-2008, 07:03 PM

Thank you for reiterating what I'm hearing from those supportive people around me. I have to work at getting my head round the fact that they are both grown up and independent now but there is still a place in their lives for me.
It's so hard to explain to anyone but for 10 years I've been battling with the boys as my main focus for getting through each day. The goal was to be supportive in getting them through school and university and I felt as today grew closer that something dreadful was going to happen to me. The boys are my life and I thought it would end because they are independent and working now. I have to think of a new role now which will be just as demanding but in a different way. Today has been tough as we waited for his results but he's passed and will graduate as a vet in a couple of weeks. I'm so proud of him as I am my older son who is a doctor. Its just with them being so successful I often feel quite inadequate but tonight my older son came home and I told him how I was feeling and he said they wouldn't have coped without my support so that was lovely.
I'll sit and think and work at my new role and try to stop thinking my life as a mother is over.

blondiebear · 14-06-2008, 05:03 AM

Your life as a mother is still there. Your life as a wife is there.

Most importantly, your life as yourself has more time to bloom and grow.

I'll second what ninjapenguin said. And maybe add to it a cloud of fragrance that kinda stays on him too.

AMS1 · 16-06-2008, 10:09 PM

I've read all your posts several times as the last few days have been very emotional and difficult. They have helped me become more aware that there is something to "stay" for it just seemed too hard to see past last Friday. I also had a frank talk with my sons and husband and tried as best I could to explain my mixed up feelings. They are united in supporting me to find my new role within the family and that has given me strength that I thought I'd lost.
Thank you for your support and I'll let you know how things progress.

Margo · 16-06-2008, 10:12 PM

Those who are the greatest givers to others firstly give to themselves!

AMS1 · 16-06-2008, 10:26 PM

I'll try hard ninjapenguin!!! Thank you.

irkeninvader · 17-06-2008, 07:54 PM

I'm glad your family is being so supportive, I hope you manage to find a happy place :)