Not really sure how I'm going to put this is into words relatively articulately so sorry if I ramble incoherently for a bit.
I've been going to CAMHS since December and found it hasn't really helped much. I've been put on Fluoxetine and been on that for about 9-10 weeks now and although there's been an improvemwent in my mood there's a huge problem. I can feel great or even just normal for a few days and get really happy because I think that maybe I'm finally coming out of my depression and then I completely crash again. Every time I go back to feeling low it gets worse and it's becoming harder and harder to just pick myself up and carry on. When I feel that low I'm a lot more unsafe than I used to be, I've ODed 4 times in as many months and had to get stitches. I know that's not that bad but if I compare that with how I was when I got diagnosed with depression, yeh I felt rubbish all the time and suicidal but I was never seriously unsafe, suicide or ODing was always just an idea in the back of my head.
I'm crap at being honest with people face to face so in an attempt to give CAMHS chance to help me (how can they help if they don't know what's wrong as my mate pointed out) I wrote 2 letters to my counsellor explaining how I've been feeling worse, more suicidal lately and when I feel really low I stop caring at all about msyelf and I lose control of what I'm doing so one day I might just give in and kill myself. I told him I've been a lot more unsafe lately and how I need something to change.
Basically I need a way to really get across to CAMHS how much I need something to change soon or I'm dead. There's only so much longer I can keep going, especially when I believe no one cares about me so I have no reason to carry on living. A while ago the psych mentioned going into hospital as an in patient if I ODed badly again and she asked what I thought about that and I told her it sounded like a threat. Now I'm thinking maybe that is actually a good idea. I'm so tired of feeling like my own brain wants me dead and being scared of myself. Most people I know are scared of failing there GCSEs or never getting a boyf, I'm just scared of what I can do to myself now. I need someone to help me but I don't know what they can do.
If something doesn't change soon I'm dead and I need to get accross to CAMHS how serious I cam about that but the problem is I have a sort of jokey relationship with my counsellor so for me to be serious with him would freak me out, I deal with things by laughing at them so I'd probably just end up rolling around on the floor laughing whenever I tried to be honest with him face to face.
Not really sure what replies I'm expecting and if anyone actually read all of that then thanks lol, sorry it was so long.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
I have had similar relationships with counsellors in the past where I have laughed off the seriousness of the problem which I suppose does make it difficult for them to understand. Now though, because I still have a nervous laugh when I'm uncomfortable or I tend to joke about it and make light of the situation I just say "I don't find it funny, I just don't know how else to deal with it" and at least then the person can understand where I'm coming from. Maybe it would help you if you told your counsellor that although you are joking it because it would scare you otherwise? I am sure he will understand.
Also, could you possibly get an appointment with your psychiatrist and explain how bad you are feeling? I am sure if you tell her your thoughts on suicide and how you have been thinking about going in-patient she may be able to suggest something. I would certainly say that if you are considering taking another overdose or another way of harming yourself then it's better to reach out for help before than after and it seems like you are really trying hard to which you should be proud of.
I can really relate to this. I have a jokey relationship with my Counsellor too and it does make it difficult to get across now bad you feel when all he seems to do is say 'it's no big deal' or 'your doing great' it's like he doesn't really see.
How often do you see your Counsellor? I see mine less than once a month. As my boyfriend pointed out; of course my counsellor isn't going to know me all that well if I only see him once a month.
It is possible to put up a bit of a facade in therapy, to put on a happy smile and pretend it's ok and some therapists can't see through this.
People have said to me 'Well change Counsellor's then' the thing is I know it's not that simple.
I don't know what your personality is like but I find it really hard to confront issues si I'd find it difficult to see my Counsellor and say 'Your not helping as much as I need you to'
There are some of my thoughts and a few things to think about but really I don't have any great advice or anything.
Don't apologise for posting there's no worries there *hugs*
He knows that I laugh when something makes me nervous or upsets me but then because we joke around I'm not sure he can tell when something is actually bothering me.
I see him once a week usually although not seeing him this week because he's on some training course.
I would ask to see thepsych again but Colin (my counsellor) has gone a bit...possesive lol. He wants me now to ring up CAMHS if I need to talk to someone and ramble to someone down the phone and they tell him everything I say instead of going in and seeing someone other than him because last time I got really bad I saw the psych and she didn't tell him what I'd said til after my session with him the next week which was a bit pointless cos I could have really used to talk about it with him. I think he's just got tired of only finding things out too late lol. I'd mention the hospital thing to him but I'm scared he'll think I don't need to go in and am just being stupid because I never really open up to him so he doesn't know how hard it is for me sometimes.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
mm it is scary but you shouldn't be afraid, it's his job to hear people talk about how crappy things are going in their lives he would then take you seriously i think *hugs* good luck
Let the Force be with you
I'm not short, I'm space efficient
Thanks, I did think about it.
Last night I sent my dad a really long text basically saying that I desperately need something to change soon or I'm screwed and he talked to the psych at CAMHS today who said if I end up back in hospital they might put me in an adolescent ward in York for a while or if I think I need to go in.
I just dunno now, I know it's safer if I go in, but I don't know how much I want to be safe anymore. And I don't want to make the decision to go in because what if the hospital say Im fine, what if I just sound like an idiot?
Hmm =/
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
