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Multitude
People keep telling me to go seek out professional help. But I can't. Initially, I do not want to be diagnosed with something which I do not have. Secondly, as I have expressed on these forums before, I am worried about how this will impede my future. Treatment for other things, job prospects, etc. I am also worried about what my mother will think. She is not very open minded.
I'm not ill... I just have... issues. That is all. At current hallucinations surround me, I presume. I'm getting confused. For some reason I am barely hearing voices now. Just mumbles and random sounds. For example, I came in the house the other day and my mother was there. I heard the cat meowing, so I asked her where the cat is. She said outside, thus I could not hear her meowing. At a friend's house, my glass of water was continuously giving me electric shocks. At home I heard my phone ringing. I looked at the screen. It was not. It continued. I see blood everywhere. The walls round themselves. The extreme noise in my head.
Everything needs to be broken down. It should not be build to stand as is. Some things are so diluted it's horrible. Walls. Windows. Situational. So yellow. Things need to be undiluted to be good. They need to be thick. Murky sludge. Cannot be hot.
So many things I want to do, I am losing the motivation. Over the summer I want to work on: my book, learning Japanese, learning 3D computr modeling and programming languages. I do not know. My memory is gone. Last week is a blank. I can't think back past Thursday. A big, black gap is swallowing my memories. Friends tell me I do not finish my sentences.
I am not hearing my guides very often anymore. I think my they have left me. Why? What have I done wrong? My demon does not visit anymore, either. Sometimes I can feel him lurking but he does not oft appear. Is it because I nearly stabbed someone? Is it because I didn't go through with it? Am I a failure to them? I can't achieve the goal without them. Or perhaps I can. I am one and that thus cannot be changed. Chosen. This is why the experience.
Life; Life; Life.
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