Sorry to be a post pig. It is just that this is not at all related to fathers day.
Over issues of trust, I seem to have lost another friend. I don't know how many losses and changes I've had in the past two years. I keep hoping that each one is the last one.
I feel like a codependent needy moron. All I want to do is hide until the hurt ends. I'm at such a loss for spoken words that I can't even tell my husband what happened.
Since September 2006;
-My parents, by choice or necessity but no less painful. Not only my parents but any illusion that we were ever a family. That also means by association my grandma and my sister and her son and husband.
-An AA sponsor after I had an incidence of PTSD and she was afraid for her physical safety.
-My uncle when he kicked me off his property.
-Changed psychiatrists because the one I'd had for 12 years reduced her hours. The new one is even better but it was still a change.
-A friendship had to change because a spouse objected.
-Someone I went out of my way to help has decided not to trust me anymore. After I made all kinds of effort to be available to this person on my vacation.
and to add to it all, I lost one of my sobriety-birthstone earrings today. That scares the spit out of me.
I want to make my arm into hamburger or to punish myself, make sure it is part of me forever, the word needy. Maybe add codependent and moron and loser to it too.
I don't want to fail. I don't want to relapse again. I hurt beyond spoken words.
Last edited by blondiebear : 06-06-2008 at 05:21 AM.
Reason: add something
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
You have every right to be emotionally hurt by what has happened, not only today but with relationships in the past. You have made some tough choices and had some made for you and I admire your courage in coming through that. I hope you don't hurt yourself, I think you know it is not going to help, just be another thing to regret. I have faith in you that you can get through this without doing anything like that *hugs* please take care xxx
Hun, you'll regret it if you make those words a part of you forever, because they are not what define you. You're not a moron or a loser and everyone can be needy and co-dependent at times, it doesn't mean that's who you are! From your posts on here, I've seen that you are supportive, wise, friendly and strong. You have come through everything that's been thrust upon you. You don't deserve to be punished. Please look after yourself *hugs*
*hugs* to my amazing ryl big sis. you have a right to feel hurt by those people. i'm about to sound all airy fairy, i think that people fall out of your life, even if it hurts so much because they were either bad for you, or they were going to be bad for you, or their purpose/lesson they had to teach you has been taught. still you have a right to feel hurt.
i know you can stay strong. you can do this, you dont need to write those painfull words on you, they are not who you are, maybe they are just how you feel now. please dont make them permanent. i'd write them all down and tear them up in a frenzy, or scribble them out and burn them. just to get it out of the system somehow.
you are amazing, and you can get through this. i know you can.
lots of love to my amazing caring big ryl sis.
xxx
hey *hugs* yer not all of them things and dont add them words because it reminds you everydayy when ye look at it i wrote a word on my leg which reminds me everyday. its not worth it
Thank you all. She is talking to me again. That is a start.
I know why some of the other relationships ended. I learned from my uncle what I needed to about his next older sister, aka my mom. Like that she was a mean brat witch from the beginning.
i needed a new psych to get me doing more work. That wasn't a loss but a transition.
I needed a sponsor who didn't expect me to be her part time nurse. The current one being 87, the fearful one being 43.
Only seeing my friend once a week instead of email most days got me here with all of you people. And I still get to see him.
When I did "NEEDY" sorry, not shouting it was all in caps, back on Jan 10, it did not scar. Since that happened at 5pm, on Tuesday next week in the evening hopefully I can redo my bracelet with another white bead, and put in the square ones.
Thank you. I am humbled by your caring and your love and more glad of it and grateful for it than I can ever say.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I am feeling better. Turns out that my friend's bio sister was playing mind games with both of us.
I've found the local Target inexpensive department store here in St.George so maybe we can go this morning before we get on the road and things will be quieter in the morning. So maybe they will have a pair of peridot birthstone earrings I can afford. It isn't my bio birthstone, it is my birthstone for the date of my sobriety!
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
