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Graphic / Triggering - Afraid of Myself
What I feel...When I feel like I do right now, I get scared. I get scared because I know what I want to do and how easy it would be to lock the door, turn my closet light on, and lose it. It would be so easy to pull the blade across my wrist slowly and savor the release that comes with it. Sometimes I wonder how it got like this. I wonder why I'm alive, why I'm cutting. I wonder why I haven't killed myself yet. The tears are supposed to fall, but they're glued to my eyes. The pain is supposed to leave me, but cutting doesn't work the way its supposed to anymore and instead its trapped inside. The smile comes so easily to hide the embarrassment, but now I think its permanent....It never leaves, even after what I've done. Every night it gets harder and harder to resist. I can barely go a day before the URGE squeezes into my thoughts and its all I can do not to cut. I don't deserve to be living for all that I've done. I'm completely useless and my existance...I mean...I can't see myself living in the future. I just can't stop cutting.....because....cutting is the only thing that helps me get through what's going on right now. My parents' marriage is falling apart, my brother has become the endangered one, and my grandfather is slowly starting to lose his mind. I know my grandmother is in bad health and she won't be around for much longer. We used to be so close, I practically grew up with her, and now its like I'm a complete stranger. I feel close to no-one. Like I've been separated from everyone by a thin glass wall. I can hear what everyone says....I can read their emotions...I can see how much I don't belong in this world...I am so far away from everyone and I can't get back no matter how much I try. Its been like this for so long. Even the one I love...the one I've been with for YEARS...who says " I love you." every night on the telephone...I say I love him...I SAY that I do, but somehow I'm so detached I can't feel it. If I lost him, I'm scared that I won't cry. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. I'm terrified to say it but I'm afraid that I wouldn't care if I lost everything. Terrified that I'll just keep cutting deeper and deeper to get the sastisfaction I crave. I am afraid of myself...I hate myself...And all thats driving me right now is this stupid fear and selfish hatred. Whats going to happen to me now? What will happen when I finally fall....Or has that already happened to me and I'm still too numb from the landing to realize it?
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