I need to rant. I need someone to hear me. I don't even remember the last time that I posted on the forums but there is no chat so please listen.
I have a friend. Well I thought he was my friend. I felt like he was ignoring me because he was always doing stuff with other people and never seemed to have any time for me when I asked to do stuff. Every once in a while I was invited out with some of his other friends. Eventually I had a meltdown one day and he caved and went out for coffee with me. I told him all about how I felt that he was ignoring me and how if it continued I didn't know if i could go on like that and still be his friend. So at the end of the conversation he said he didn't want to lose me as a friend and that he wanted to make a time when we could get together each week and go for coffee, and just talk. I thought that was great, it gave me hope.
That was a month ago. Every weekend we make plans... coffee on sunday evening. I check with him on friday night... on saturday night... then on sunday night something comes up and he cancels on me. Now his reasons seem plausible, his grandma needs help, or he's already doing his evening workout. But I'm left feeling like I don't matter. I'm just supposed to understand.
Last week when he cancelled he said we'd go out during the week to make up for it. Again I got hope. Then he kept pushing the date back and eventually we settled on friday. Fine. Then he asks me if he can invite another one of his friends to come along. I hate that friend. But. In the interests of not seeming to be childish I say okay and say that as long as we go out just the two of us on sunday it's fine with me. So friday night was ruined.
Then I checked with him saturday night to make sure we're still on. Don't want to get my hopes up if I don't need to. He says we're still on. IN the back of my head though there is this sneaking suspicion that we're not really on.
Now it is Sunday. I look forward to having coffee and getting to talk to him all day long. I get off work. I come home. I text him. He says he didn't remember it was father's day and he has to do fathers day stuff with his dad so he can't have coffee. I'm crushed. Again he cancels our time together at the last minute. He can't find a couple hours to talk to me.
Thats when I made the mistake of telling him I was hurt. He went off saying that he never realised I was selfish enough to think that I should be more important than his family. I wasn't asking for his whole day. I was asking for a few hours. That's all I've been asking for for the past MONTH! Yeah I'm hurt. He spends time with all his other friends, but I have to wait more than a month to get a cup of coffee with him?! And so now I'm the selfish bitch for thinking that I should get some of his time. He's not talking to me because he says he doesn't want me to ruin his day.
I'm crushed. I'm hurt. I've cried. I've listened to angry music. I'm mourning the loss of what I thought was a good friendship. My mom says there wasn't a friendship there to begin with. When I look at it she has a point.
How do I get over this? How do I not care that I keep getting blown off and that I'm villified when he hurts me? What do I do?
Thanks for reading the entire thing.
love
Hollymeister
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
I agree with your mom
I would be honest with him and tell him that for months now you make plans and he cancels at the last minute with lame excuses, and that if he cannot take the time or energy for you - if clearly you are not remotely important to him because he keeps putting other things first - you are going to let him go and it is up to him to continue your relationship
If he wants to talk to you he can come visit you or he can call you
It hurts to feel like you arent important to somebody so I am sorry for that, but I think that he may not realise what he is doing or there may be something else going on because if he didnt want to see you at all it would have been easier to not go through the ruse of the weekly-coffee-chat plan at all, so in short I would say that this may have more to do with him right now than you
But anyway I hope it works out hun, but if it doesnt it's his loss - remember that
xxxooo
Thanks for the response. I am going to try to let it be in his court. But every fibre in my being just wants to beg him for attention. I don't get much attention from anyone and he at least gave me some. I'm having real trouble with this he kept getting my hopes up and then dashing them and that is painful. I promised myself before that I wouldn't let anyone do that to me again and I'm letting it happen. I need to find a way to stop caring about other people and what they want from me.
Hey Hollie! (Roscoe sends his love; hes skiing in the alps with a troop of male dancers from Romania! *shakes head and wonders where i went wrong*)
Maybe your mother has a point.
I think you need to talk to him. Write stuff down so you dont forget.
Take care
Love and cuddles
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I don't know if I can talk to him. Every time I try telling him what's going on it comes out all wrong and whiny. He's got me blocked on msn so I'm thinking that he doesn't really want to talk to me either.
A very similar thing happened with someone I know. Now, we kinda avoid each other. I haven't seen her in almost two years, I haven't talked to her in just shy of one.
It does get better. I was heartbroken at the time.
Over the past year or so I've learnt that the real friends I have are the ones that will phone me at 3am when I'm having a hard time. The ones that really should go out... but stay and chat because I need them. It takes time, and it can be hurtful but friends are the ones that stick by you. A few years down the line and I have some fantastic friends, but I had to learn the hard way about who really cared.
Good luck, but this will happen with you! You'll be left with the most fabulous friends.
Stay safe xxx
I know how u feel because it has happened to me coutless of times, basicaly everytime I make a new friend really. It does hurt but It really isnt worth it, now I know its easy to just say those words, its harder to follow them. It will hurt for a while but after a while it become dealable. Just dont let it get u down.
Um...he can't help it if his grandma is sick (which I doubt), but a workout? How lame is that? He can wait an hour or two to start that because he said he'd spend time with you. It sounds like it's time for you to ditch this person and find some better friends.
Unfortunately, it's not possible to avoid risking getting hurt in friendships. All I can say is maybe next time talk to your friends sooner if you think this is the case (and you will probably be paranoid about it for a while), so if it's going to happen you can spend less time twisting. It's not worth giving up friendship to avoid getting hurt, though - I've tried. You still end up hurt, but with friends you have shoulders to cry on and people to share your pain.
It sounds like the vilification was misdirection - to turn his problem into your problem. The excuses, though, were getting egregious enough that it was only a matter of time before you called him on it or became totally spineless. Either way, it sounds like he didn't care about you and didn't have the balls to tell you. You're better off without him. Leave him to his workouts.
Next, NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT'S NOT OKAY TO FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL. You're responsible for your actions, but if you're feeling strongly then you need to find out why because burying it only deepens the hurt.
Hope this helps
The trouble with killing yourself to punish someone is that at the end of the day, they're still alive and you're still dead.
I am going through the same thing with my friends. My current opinion is f*ck them, I don't need them. Truth is we do need friends so I don't know the solution for either of us. Take care,
He sounds like an awful friend. Once or twice is forgiveable but he is behaving terribly! I agree with Catch- dont call him and see what he does. Don't let him make you feel bad- It is him that is at fault not you! *hugs*
He really does sound like a bad friend. If you can't count on him for coffee then let it be you that blows him off when he finally comes to the realization that you're not trying to hang out anymore. Sometimes people like he seems to be enjoy having someone who wants to be around them and get arrogant and self-centered. If he's too much of a self-centered person to even listen to what you have to say then he's too selfish to be your friend. What I would do is just wait for him to contact you and put him on the backburner for a while. Find someone else you know and try to get closer to them a bit. There are sooooo many better people in the world to get to know that will actually listen and be good friends.
I wish I had an answer. I'm in exactly the same position. You get made to feel like everything you do is wrong, even the things you do that are right! You constantly are made to feel as though you have something to apologise for, like wanting to spend time with a friend is not normal. I know it's an awful feeling and I really do wish I could give some advice. I just don't know the answer.
*HUGE HUG*
Missy
"But sail we must and not drift, nor lie at anchor"
