I feel so overwhelmed right now and don't know how I can carry on like this. There is so much happening to all the people I love ie my 2 sons and my husband and I feel they are excelling in their lives and I'm just never getting out of a deep, dark hole.
It's hard to live with such successful people and be such a failure. I'm an embarrassment to them and that is apparent so often. I can't go outside at all alone and even then it's a struggle. I feel lost and drowning with what is happening and I've fought for the last 12 years with dreadful mental ill health and I feel I'm losing the will to keep fighting.
What should I do? I've one son about to sit Uni final exams so I've got to keep going for him. After that there are no more reasons because they will both be independant and employed elsewhere in the country. My husband starts an extra job on top of the one he's doing just now and will be very busy and home late after leaving very early.
It's all running away from me and I've been in this awful place before and try so hard not to get there again. How do I stop myself destroying myself? I can keep doing it in little bits or take the big step but does that solve anything?
Just because there are good things happening to your family doesn't mean you are a failure hun. You've been there for them, brought up your sons, supported your husband, and are a part of the reason they are all doing well. I'm sure you're not an embarassment to them either.
Just because your son has nearly finished Uni doesn't mean he won't need you any more. Both your sons will need you around no matter how old they are. As for your husband's new job, you don't sound like you're looking forward to the long hours he will be working - have you spoken to him about how you feel?
I'm sorry you're feeling so low, and sorry also that I don't really have any advice for you. Do you have a psychiatrist/doctor/counsellor that you could speak to about any of this? Maybe you could take up an art or craft as a hobby - something so that you can see when you acheive results and have something to be proud of. Making accomplishments in something you enjoy might help to boost your confidence.
Thanks for replying as I feel so alone with this. He went for the interview without telling me as he said I would worry too much. It's not as if it's a lot more money but a lot more work that he loves.
I do have people to talk to but they just say take a day at a time but my mind is in such a flurry of worry that I can't stop bursting into tears every time something triggers me off.
I make cards and jewellery but funnily enough when I'm like this it's so hard to settle to anything. I have been trying really hard but I feel my contribution to life is so useless. People tear up cards and put them in the recycle bin. The jewellery is self taught as well but I'm finding it too fiddly just now. Got the shakes.
I sound as if I'm not taking your advice but I am - it's just hard for others to appreciate how useless I feel.
I will keep reading your post and hope that I can turn myself around slowly.
I understand that it is hard to motivate yourself to do things, even when it's something you enjoy, at time like these. I love photography but sometimes I can't even think about picking up my camera.
I know you said that you can't leave the house on your own but would you be able to find some sort of group to go to with a friend? Maybe a certain activity or just a local social group. You might get to meet new people which could take away some of the loneliness.
I understand feeling useless, don't worry. I don't think you're ignoring my advice, I know that sometimes it can be incredibly hard to think that anything will help at all.
I know that things I say probably won't make you feel any different while you're feeling so low, but I'm sure your family wouldn't see your contribution to life as useless. The fact that you have a family is something to be proud of :)
I hope you feel able to do your cards and jewellery again before too long - it must take your mind off things for a while. I wish I knew how to make jewellery, I see some of the home-made stuff people can make and it's beautiful!
You say your family are all excelling in their lives - you have to be some credit for that - you haven't held them back, you have given them the confidence to succeed and you should be very proud of yourself for that.
I can't give you any better advise than irkeninvader - all i can say is be kind to yourself - there is no time limit to turning yourself around.
By the way - I love recieving hand made cards - the thought behind them and the fact that they were made just for me is wonderful - but eventually they do often go in the bin - not coz they weren't appreciated but because i don't have room to keep everything. I hope you get back to making them as they really do mean a lot to those that receive them xxx
Loneliness with or without people, a feeling that comes from inside
Unable to show your true feelings, Unaware of the things that you hide
A life built around a pretending, feeling things that you think you should feel
A life unaware of it’s ending – is there a chance it could ever turn real?
My Lovely Daughters: Reason[TO]Believe, Bound by Thoughts, and Kija. My Little Sisters: Automatik Teknicolour and Pomegranate. My Big Sister: Lil-Princess. My Neice: forever_lost*
Hi - thanks again for the replies as it does help to not feel so alone with all these feelings of inadequacy. I'm feeling dreadful this morning but have tried to plan my day a bit more to get some kind of focus to hold onto.
My husband came through yesterday while I was trying to write a reply to the postings but he was very angry with me for "talking" to others as he feels he is the only one I should "talk" to. I tried to explain and I'll need to clarify this with him because I need to be able to share with the forum and not just try to burden him with things that he struggles with. I do understand where he's coming from but we all need our own bit of privacy.
Maybe if you tried to explain to him that people on here have been through/are going through some of the same feelings as you, he would understand a little better. It's understandable that he wants to help you but you're right, privacy is important and so is sharing with the forum if it helps you. I hope he can understand this. I hope you have a good day now that you've planned it :)
Hi there - reading your post made me think how much I feel the same - I too have suffered years of mental health probs and amd struggling to get through the days - my brother and sister have excelled int heir jobs and have lovely kids - I have just ruined my life. Did well at Uni etc, then it all went down the drain. 15 years of anorexia which i beat then this hell that is SH.
Hearing you makes me see myself and yet I feel you are a strong person and you will make it > Stick with this site as there are
many people feeling just the same and theres always someone to listen to you. Sometimes family are the last to understand - PM me anytime and if I can encourage you to go on I will! There is ALWAYS hope - everyones life is worth it xx
It's so helpful to get replies isn't it? I don't feel so isolated and alone. Need to keep going for my son whose upstairs studying very hard for his finals. But why is it always about staying here for others and not for myself. This really gets to me. People always say but you have to be here for your family or you're selfish. I don't fully agree or understand how someone can say that as it's so hard to live is such pain.
Keep busy I suppose and that's hard too when I'm so weiry.
You have done the most difficult and important task in the world, raising two happy healthy children!
I'm self taught making jewelry too. I have a charm on my charm bracelet that is two parts of a teddy bear with a bead for his chest and tummy. The first time I put them on their piece of wire it took me four tries to get it right. Last week I went to a bead store near where we were staying and got more wire and a pair of jewelry pliers. I couldn't fix it up till the next morning cause of shaking hands.
Can you take a jewelry making class to get yourself out of the house!
Tell your husband that you are here to talk to your girlfriends. Sometimes a husband just does not understand.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Hi - I'm afraid going out of the house to anything is nearly impossible as I'm agoraphobic. I go out with members of my care team and family but have great difficulty even walking or functioning at any level. I also find social interaction difficult so a public class is a bit beyond my reach right now. I do attend a card making class twice a month run by my social work support network. I have taught 2 sets of Christmas card making over the last 2 years and then the clients join the twice monthly groups. I find them very challenging as I then try to become one of the group and not the teacher. I am a teacher by profession but don't like fulfilling that role very much anymore. I'd love to go to a class where I'm the pupil and not the teacher and will always have that as one of my many goals.
I will take your advice and try the "talking" to girlfriends bit - I'm rushing as I don't want him to come home in the middle of this.
Men don't always feel able to let you look further than them for support but I feel it is essential.
What other jewellery do you make?
But why is it always about staying here for others and not for myself. This really gets to me. People always say but you have to be here for your family or you're selfish. I don't fully agree or understand how someone can say that as it's so hard to live is such pain.
It's not always about staying here for others and not for yourself. You should stay so that you can work through your problems and find the happiness you deserve. Sometimes we just need a reason to keep us here, as our own reasons seem insignificant when we feel down. So by staying for your family, it keeps you here long enough for you to get through the hard patches and allows you time to find your own happiness and your own reasons for living x
I've never thought of it like that - that is helpful to me. I am aware that I've always looked for reasons to keep going but never thought I'd ever come to a place where I value myself enought to keep trying without the family here.
It gives me food for thought anyway. My firend is due round and we are going to try and do some gardening for a wee while so I hope I cope outside in bursts. Worth trying as a distraction from my negativity.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
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distractions are key i have found - anything to take up time and keep you interested and also to motivate you when you need a reason to go on
also just wanted to say that children dont stop needing you just because they are grown up
if agoraphobia is something you are working on, maybe you could hire a teacher or take a class from home? maybe not jewelry making, necessarily, but there are online classes and kits you can mail-order and stuff.
maybe you could work up to a class though? get your care people to go with you or something? i also think you should tell your team/docs/psych what you are feeling because maybe you could all come up with a plan together to monitor these feelings and make sure you have a safe plan and know what to do if you get really low.
