ok so i am here still alive but regreting it immensly. i have no idea wher i am going or why im going. all i know is that i am soo screwed up right now that there is not a one certain thing to realate it all back to. im not sure what i want to do anymore. i have been attending college and doing fairly well plus being there during the day keeps m,e safe since i dont si at school and i would never attempt suicide there, wouold be found for sure. and th ething is i do not 100% want to die but i have been in sich serious agony that that an dnothing i have tried has helped. i dont know what to do, i am so sleep deprived that i am getting myself into a lot of trouble. serious trouble. lik elast night i got severly drunk qand was on my way to meet a guy i didn't even know to just go sleep with him because i felt lik e a dirty slut and i hate sex with men immensly an dso i thought that would be a way to hurt myself. my husband stopped me. i guess that was good but i really wante dto go. i know this all sounds so pathetic. if you saw me you would think i was a well organized, easy to appraoch, non-alcoholic, who would never cheat and whos only flaw was that i smoked.
the truth is i am living a lie. i love woman with every ounce of my heart. this is hard because i am married to a wonderful man who loves me to bits and so i cant just break his heart and leave him. i have suffered about every form of sexual abuse out there, and have been beaten to a pulp and been emotionally degrated by so many people. my cutting is now so sever that i have gone to far a few times and ended up almost dead, or in surgery, or having major repairs done and have ended up with stitches and staples to manny times to count and the docs here are crual they will do it with out lidocaine, numbing agent. its crazy. i just dont know what to do i have everything i need to attempt suicide an di have a perfect time and place. i feel like im losing my self control and what strenghth i hav eid fading fast and im so lost. i know i need some medical help but the only psych ward here who will take dont lik eme very much and as a result they always place me with the seriously mentally ill, they eat themselves, will rape you, attack at anytime, there are no groups becaus ethey are too way gone to even attempt to talk to them, most are crimanly insane, they ahave another unit there but they dont send me there and thats where ishould be, the patients have problems, but they are similiar to mine and thet ahve brains that funtion somewaht normally, they have groups to try an dteach how to deal with life, but im not allowed ther because 6-7 years ago i severed my medial nerve on that unit. i told them i was in bad shape but they still sent me to my room all alone and ignored me. when they found me i was almost unconscious and it really pissed them off, i wont tell you what they did to me, but it wasnt nice let m etell ya. anyway im sorry i ahve waste dso much of your time. please i could use some help on this, if i cant find an answer then i guess ill just ahve to give up. ive given my self to tomorrow.
