Triggering (SI/Abuse) - How to deal with unstable boyfriend

[monket]

Alright guys, I could use some advice on this one.

I've been with my boyfriend almost six months now, and our relationship ended up moving along a lot more quickly than I ever anticipated. After finding out that his dad who he was living with was abusive, I let him come stay with my family.

Things were going ok at first, but then he started opening up more and telling me about his past abuse, SI, history in mental hospitals, etc. And I thought i could deal with it because I struggled with a lot of the same issues.

Problem is that even though a lot of the time we get along great, and he's very thankful for all the things I've done for him, he has a lot of issues that are just totally beyond me. I found a letter of his on the floor (It was already opened, I was just cleaning and found it) that said he was being treated for mental illnesses he never told me about. His self-esteem is horrible, even though I am constantly telling him how amazing he is, and I have to walk on eggshells around him if he's even mildly upset because if I say something wrong, he'll come completely unglued and go off for literally hours about how I'm a selfish bitch who's just trying to hurt him like everyone else, and how I'm an idiot and no one would ever want to date me because i'm so messed up, etc. He even goes as far as to tell me that if I don't stop "treating him like shit" that he's going to tell me parents about my SI and he's going to kill himself.

i have no clue what to do about this. I don't want to kick him out because A) I really do love him, because about 90% of the time he's the perfect boyfriend, and B) EVERYONE else in his life has given up on him, and I don't want to be the next one on that list.

I can't put up with all the horrible things he says to me, though. I know he doesn't mean them (a lot of the time he hurts himself after realizing what he's doing to me), but that doesn't make it sting any less. I know the situation sucks now, but what can I do? If I kick him out, he's going to kill himself (and he seriously would), but if he stays, my self esteem goes into the negatives and I hurt myself more than ever.

Advice, please?

[Marco]

I can understand what you are going through.
Cause it's the same for me and my fiance.

I don't really know what i should tell you.
Instead of maybe try and talk with him. Tell him that it hurts you what he is saying. I know that it will be hard, but try it.

PM me if you need to talk.

[Zeitgeist]

Hey there,

first of all, I hope you realize that while he's your boyfriend, he's neither your duty nor is it your responsibility to 'fix' him. I doubt you could, from what you describe, so I'm glad he's receiving treatment.

It seems he knows his outbursts are really not helping. I don't have a wonderful solution, but my ex used to be similar sometimes - a small reason and he'd lose it, only to be sorry afterwards. What I did was tactical retreat. Thing is, I don't see how you could make this behaviour stop, but you can change your reaction to it. Why listen to it, when you know that it's spoken in the heat of the moment and it's only going to hurt? Instead, you could try to calmly explain that you don't want to listen to it now and need some space, and that he's free to either write it down for you to read later or to calm down first, and then come to talk to you. He's got to accept that. Even if he doesn't, I'd say remove yourself from the conflict, go into a different room or for a walk. Make it clear that you'll be back and willing to talk it through - but not in anger.

I don't know if that's even remotely helpful in your situation, but yeah. Hope it works out for the two of you.

[The Midnight Crazies]

Well you have to realize that you're not responsible for his behavior and you have to set sharp boundaries as to what you will tolerate and what not...

Marte

[monket]

Thanks guys. I still don't know exactly how I'm gonna go about it, but it's good to know I'm not the only one in this position :)