Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Its been 5 Years but i still hate my self for this
Its been nearly 5 years now since i was raped. when it happened to me i was 13 and i jus bottled it up and never told anyone, i used cuttin as my way of coping. I told my mum 2 years ago but i still never really spoke about it. I have recently got into a new relationship with the love of my life. Iv been in love with him for 4 years and I think i may have told him before my mum, i have told him everything, every last detail and no one else knows, not even my coucellor! Latley Its been on my mind alot, why me, was it my fault, why didnt i tell anyone? the guy is still walkin the streets and its my fault. I jus wish so bad that i could changed what happened. It affected my whole life. My and my Step-dad were really close and after the incident we drifted apart and now we are only jus starting to build bridges again. I started using drugs and drinkin and bein a lil S*** for my mother. Sex does not mean alot to me now. But it means alot to my partner. and the fact that i dont give him sex everyday is becoming a big problem. I wish I was not like this. and he made me feel so bad cause he siad its not his fault what happened to me so why should he pay, which is true, and last night he said he doesnt care about what happened and it doesnt even matter, i could have been stabbed right there and then when he said that and the words he said would have hurt me 100 times more. I want to try and be more sexually active. Sometimes i just have sex with him to make him happy, just so i can have a cuddle after. I have not told anyone this but i hate being touched in those private places (below waste and breasts) because i felt so dirty after being raped. Sometimes Im ok with being touched. I cant explain it but I jus get feelings back from when i was raped. I cannot watch anything like porn and i have told my boyfriend not to. I feel suicidal everytime i think about it, not to the point where im guna kill my self but i just feel suicidal, like if someone shot me i wouldnt really care, i want a fresh start, i wanna forget about what happened to me so bad but i cant. How can i forget. and do you think my boyf should understand more or is it my problem to deal with? i would be happy to deal with it on my own cause he has taken a lot of s*** off me, he has been good to me and I love him, but if i dont start giving him more sex im afraid he will cheat or finish with me.
Your boyfriend should respect that you're having difficulty with this, and go at the pace you need to go at, not wanting it only at his pace. I guess a relationship needs to be mutual, otherwise it's not really an equal relationship that you'd ideally want to be in long term.
Have you tried telling your counsellor about what happened and how you feel about it now? It would probably help you to think it through and talk it over with someone who could help you deal with it. It's the only way I think you can properly move on from it.
And finally - it's not your fault that this happened, or that you haven't told many people about it since. Your boyfriend should be more supportive. Please take care of yourself sweetie. PM me if you want to chat xxx
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
hugs...i agree with above post...
your partner should be more understanding and supportive..if he really loves you he will give you all the time you need to heal..its good that you trust him enough to share what happened to you, and maybe he was ok with hearing it..but he may also not understand the effects it has on everyday life and the way it makes you feel during sex..the only thing i can think is to have him read some books on the subject, there are some good ones out there..or possibly you could talk to your counsellor, see if there is someone he can talk to, or maybe he could sit in on one of your sessions and your counsellor could explain some things to him..either way its not right or fair on you that he says those things.
and as for the sex..dont push yourself and dont have sex if your not in the mood, easier said then done i know but if you push yourself then of course it will feel like your being raped again. just try and go slow and maybe your partner could spend some more time with stuff like forplay and getting you in the mood.
i dunno if any of that helped
stay safe and take care sweetie
PM if you need to chat
xoxoxox
Do not follow the common path.....go where there is no path and leave a trail.....
Hey honey, I know where you're coming from and I know how you feel.
Like someone else said, your boyfriend should respect you more.
Unless you've been through it, you can't begin to imagine what it's like and he needs to realise this.
*big hug*
I'm here if you need to chat - just PM me
Please take care sweetie, sorry I've not been much help.
Love and hugs, Rhiannon xx
For what it's worth it was worth all the while. I hope you had the time of your life...
I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh; I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry
~ ddoouubbllee lleetttteerr tthhrreeaaddeerr
~ honourary emma
~ honourary katY [Kat*Y* with a *Y* Club]
1) What happened to you is not your fault. Please don't hate yourself.
2) I would hope your boyfriend would love and respect you enough to understand that you're struggling with this, and he would wait for you.
If he pressures you or cheats, then he's not worth your time.
PM me if you need to talk. :)
All you wanna do is drag me down
All I wanna do is stamp you out
just a thought..could your counsellor refer you to someone else..just because you turn 18 doesnt mean you shouldnt get the help you need..look into it hun, counselling does help if you find the right person.
good luck sweetie
xoxox
Do not follow the common path.....go where there is no path and leave a trail.....
I think that you NEED to tell your boyfriend how you feel bad about being touched and you shouldn't just have sex with him to get the cuddle afterwards. You should tell him how you're feeling because I know that I'd hate knowing that my partner was just having sex with me to keep me happy. Myself and my boyfriend have a lot of problems in the bedroom because of my low self confidence, my depression and my last sexual relationship which completely fucked me up.. lol. But he respects me and I'm sure your boyfriend will respect you too. It's tough, but we get through.
I can relate to you, to a certain extent.
I was'nt raped but sexually abused.
To me having sex is a chore, I don't want to do it, it just feels like I have to for my partner.
If it was just me then I could live without it. Like yourself I love my partner and want to keep him, but it's about you and how you feel, it's your life.
My partner knows about my past like yours does too, unfortunatly most of the male species have a need for sex, not just a desire or lust, which is hard for us females to understand.
It seems like your partner loves you very much, tell him how you feel from the bottom of your heart. I did and still do, it's my body and it's up to me when I want to share it.
You can't feel intimate with someone when you don't want to be touched.
Perhaps try to take things slower, just cuddle and love each other and when you are ready you will know.
Don't worry about your partner leaving or cheating on you, if he did'nt love you he would have already been gone.
Before I even try and give you any advice, I want to offer you all the hugs and love I can give you because my heart goes out to you.
Please do not feel guilty for anything - nothing - none of this is your fault and your story is one of the bravest I've ever heard.
You should be under NO pressure where sex is concerned and I personally think it is very unfair of your boyfriend to pressure you. There is no set limit of time to get over something like this and you need love and support, not guilt and blame.
I am rubbish at giving advice, but I care so much, and I wish I could say something that would be helpful to you.
I understand the pain of hearing your boyfriend saying it did not matter.
It does matter, you matter and you matter so very much.
You must be hurting incredibly and trust is hard to build back, I think you are doing brilliantly and I applaud you for all you have fought so far.
Please don't give up sweetie because you deserve happiness so very much, it's one of those times I wish I had a magic wand and could make things better for you.
The most important thing I can try and say to you is you DO matter, you matter very much certainly to everyone here - and please never think otherwise.
If you want to talk anytime - day or night - please feel free to PM me, I would listen to you til the end of time if it would help.
I know abuse of this nature can leave you feeling dirty, but hon please believe me you are beautiful inside and out and you have the bravest heart. None of this is your fault, none of it.
Sorry if this is not much help but I care so very very much.
