Triggering (Suicide) - feeling very down

[airwolf282]

Hi all,

I just feel so depressed right now. I went to hospital a couple of weeks ago and my dad got run over by a car which could have killed him but he was lucky to survive with a broken pelvis and one rib. I found out about the accident while I was in hospital so somehow I managed to put all my bad feelings on hold because something major had happened. I discharged myself from there as I was voluntry. I drove up the same night to Sydney, 4 hours away to visit the next day. It's like I put all the feelings of despair on pause for a week to be there for my family and now they have come back at me. I never told any of my family about being in hospital at the time except my cousin Natasha, who also has depression. I asked her specifically not to tell anyone and I can trust her to keep that from them.

I was recently diagnosed as BPD and had to have my meds adjusted a bit. I also found out that my friend, whom I suspected of playing a trick on me is dead. Her brother just accessed her myspace to recieve messages for her because he was struggling to deal with the fact that she is gone. Now I feel so bad because I accused someone who is dead of playing games with me to hurt me. I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself for it. It was my fault she died anyway. If I hadn't have said those horrible words to hurt her and tried to help her more instead of giving up because I couldn't handle her talk of suicide she would still be here. She wouldn't have overdosed and consumed poison and died in such a horrible way. I can't live with this sort of guilt anymore. I just can't handle it. Every time I think of her passing away I just end up a mess. I can't bare to think about that anymore.

I also haven't had a job for almost 4 months now. Nobody will hire me because of my condition and in this stupid town all the employers seem to be dumb rednecks that are so narrow minded on who they will take. I've been trying like hell on what little jobs are available in this town but not even got so much as a ****ing phone call. The agency I'm with are doing there best but nobody can change the attitude of these frigging stupid dumb arse, close minded, anti social redneck bastards. I need to be working for people that are understanding otherwise it will only make my condition worse.

My financial situation is pretty well ****ed too. Our house that we rent is up for sale and I don't know what the hell is going to happen. Am I gonna get booted out? We can't afford the bond on a new place and I'm unemployed and on disability payment so nobody will lease to us anyway. Am I gonna be thrown out onto the street to die from hypothermia after a day or so. I would ****ing rather die from my own means. We just had to spend what little money we could borrow from my family to fix our stupid frigging car so that we could re-register it. We only did that because my wife has a part time job in town and there's no public transport out here to take her to it. I'm so anxious about everything.

I felt all hot a shakey yesterday and vomited. I felt really badly nauseated last night too. I still feel shakey right now. It's really bad right now that it's taking me forever to type this because I have to keep going over mistakes. I keep getting headaches too and they won't go away even if I take the strongest pain killers available. I've also been getting the tremor a lot lately.

I don't know why I just feel so sad and empty today. I feel like I've let down my friend, I've let down my wife and I'm just a burden to everyone. I can't help but feel that everyone will be relieved when I'm in a timber box. I haven't cut in ages but I can't help feeling how better everyone's life would be without me. I haven't made any plans or anything like that yet but I'm definately headed in that direction and I can't take myself to hospital because they won't accept me unless I'm about to take my own life or someone else's.

Nathan

[irkeninvader]

*hugs you* I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of things right now. Try not to blame yourself for your friend's death, it was her decision not yours. It's an awful thing to have happened and I'm sorry you've had to go through it but it's not your fault.

Have you thought about going back to hospital for a while or at least talking to your doctor about how you feel? I'm sure your wife would disagree about life being better without you. If you can't bring yourself to check back into hospital, please at least talk to your doctor about how bad you feel. S/he might be able to help you through this hard time.

[airwolf282]

thanks irkeninvader for the well wishes and advise.

i'm also stressed because we have been married 5 years this october and it doesn't look like we will ever be able to have children. my wife is diabetic and turning 33 in november. i have never held a stable job and my wife only works part time. and we don't even know if we're going to have a home in the near future. our chances of ever having a child are nil. and yet we would love to have kids but people (mainly so called family and friends) think we are selfish. they see us as well off because we haven't got kids but how can we be well off with one part time income and a ****ing disability payment. and i don't know if i could even cope emotionally with that kind of pressure. i just got diagnosed with bpd and my therapist says i'm not even ready for dbt therapy because of my anxiety and stress levels at the moment. i wish my wife had met someone better. she would have had her own family and been better off. she doesn't need me dragging her down anymore. nobody does. i just wish i was never ****ing born. it would do everyone the world of good if i wasn't here. i have failed as a man and as a human being. i'm never going to have what so many people take for granted. and yet it probably sounds really selfish because there are so many people worse off than me. i don't know maybe i am selfish. i'm sorry for wasting space on this board.

[blondiebear]

You've said that you live in a small town with out a lot of small towns nearby?

Then is it time to move to a larger area? Yeah the expense is going to be awful. Is there any way for you or your wife to use the internet to look for work in a larger area? In a larger community there will be people who are open minded and accepting of problems. They will see that you are working to find solutions.

I'm sorry if this doesn't help. Please know that I read your message, that you're being heard!

What small town do you live in? I used to live in a small town about 4 hours away from Sydney.

Please look after yourself.

I know it is really hard to accept, but suicide is a very personal choice. You can't blame yourself for anothers actions. It was their decision ultimately. I understand the guilt and the "if only" or "i should have" and all that, trust me, I understand, but you aren't accountable.

Someone better? If the lady is your wife it is you that she loves. You are the best for her. Better she is with you who she loves then with someone who she doesn't love.

Take care of yourself.

[airwolf282]

hello and thanks for the replies.

to answer your question my town isn't exactly tiny. about 40000 people. my town is orange in central west nsw. the nearest towns are molong and blayney but both are over 30 km away. both of those towns are extremely small in comparison. the nearest large town is 55 km but it is no larger than my town. we only have the one car between us. my wife uses that to get to her job and i have a small motorbike. i can use it to get around town but it's not safe to ride on 100kph highways. reason we left sydney is that we simply couldn't afford the price of rent etc there, it is a bloody joke what people charge. they actually have auctions there for rental properties. the chances of me getting a place there are zero and i'm not just saying that cause i'm depressed. the rent is more than double what it is here.

blondiebear you are absolutely right about more people in larger communities having open minds. there are some in small towns but seem to be few and far between. the average company boss that i have come across out here have been mostly middle aged men, unmarried or divorced due to living for work and nothing else. lived here all there life and had little exposure to other cultures. very narrow minded in who they select to hire and keep as staff. that's not to say that all country people are small minded hicks, maybe it's just got something to do with the types of jobs and companies i have applied for. my caseworker explained to me about certain some larger organisations that have a reputation for giving people with a disability or illness (including mi) a fair go. its just damn hard trying to find such places.

i'm feeling really depressed and anxious right now. i can't call the mental health team because they won't do anything unless i'm actually planning to kill myself or someone else. and when i am they take me to the mental health unit which is full of drug addicts. i have depression and bpd and they throw me in a rehab facility for illegal drug users. where's the ****ing logic in that. it's no wonder people would rather harm themselves than seek help when that is what you get. it just seems like i'm fighting a battle that can't be won.

[Pomegranate]

I understand that, I really do. I hate that nobody can help you unless you are going to kill someone or yourself, it's stupid! But please don't give up. Could your caseworker suggest some such companies for you to approach? If she/he knows about their existence maybe they could find out which ones?

Maybe the battle cannot be won at the moment, but it doesn't have to be lost either. Things can always change, just need the right moment or chance. Maybe that chance isn't there for you at the moment but it doesn't mean it can't be in the future. *hugs* please stay safe x

No no, I understand the housing situation here. It is ****.

Keep fighting my friend. (sorry for the short reply, its late here)

Erin