I’ve gone & got myself into a right ****ing state & need advice.
So about 2 months ago I melted on a friend of mine, he knew I wasn’t totally right in the head, but didn’t know half the **** he did, once I broke in front of him…
This got me in to a right state.
I didn’t ever want him to see me like that
I felt humiliated.
Now he had I didn’t know what he thought of me
I have trouble talking to him because I can’t answer his questions, I can’t explain… because the words form in my head but somewhere between my brain and my mouth they get lost somewhere.
(I explained it once as “I use to drag **** **** ***** up my ***** to control my emotions, you honestly thing the words “I need help” spring from my mouth with ease???”…)
Anyway… to try and counter my ineptitude I spoke to a friend of my I met via a SI www 10 years ago & asked if it would be okay if I gave my friend his e-mail address & then maybe if he had questions he could talk to him & I wouldn’t need to try and find words that just don’t exist in my world.
He said yes.
I said okay
I passed on the e-mail address
I sent a note to my friend (that just found out) saying please forget everything you know etc….everything was fine… which of course it never was because every time I see him all I want to do is run the **** away! But it was easy enough to avoid…
Until yesterday… when I got an e-mail which basically confirmed that they had been in contact with each other…
Now, I know I arranged it, but bugger buggerbugger buggerbugger bugger bugger bugger bugger & ****!!!
I totally handled it totally wrong because I just got real scared that he had told him stuff that I didn’t want him to know about me – and I feel so pathetic because if I hadn’t been so ****ing retarded I would be able to talk to him on my own & then I would know what information he knows…
I sent this real abusive e-mail to my friend & its not any of there faults – its my fault because I am a pathetic, stupid, repulsive, retarded, hideous, disgusting, wretched, miserable excuse for a human being!!
I’m nearly 30 I should be able to hold a ****ing conversion! Why can’t I do it…. its not hard… I need you! How hard is that???
I so desperately want to just sit down with him & explain – I just can’t – & it just makes me so ****ing angry with myself because I’m so ****ing weak & oh how I wish I had learnt to cry – none of this would been happening – I just want to re-write time, wipe it out & start again, but the only way I know how to do that is…
All i want is to be able to explain, without having to be weak and write it down! help me!!
I want to take all back, i want to go back to when it was all secret and no one knew & i was just me & it was ok when i cut...& i knew that it didn't matter... because no one knew anything.
Thanks Trace - But I want to be brave enough to talk to him, if I had been in the first place (or hadn't been stupid enough to fall in front of him...but thats another story) I wouldn't be in this mess... I just want to be able to do it...
well, its kinda a mute point now...it appears that in the last ten minutes the stronger part of my brain has decided to....destroy the friendship by being horrid & pushing him a way.... & then it won't matter anyway!
Oh fabulous fun!...going to get very very very very drunk now...
*hugs* I'm sure you won't have pushed him away for good if he's a good friend. Is there any way at all that you could write something down for him? Even if it doesn't explain anything other than why you are stuggling with seeing him, because of how you feel around him, it might help him to understand. (I'm sorry if that didn't make much sense, it made sense til I tried to write it down...) I hope you're okay hun. My PM box is always there if you need someone to rant to
oh my, I feel like ****! Although I enjoyed the forgetting part of the drinking, that I love so much... ism.
The copy & paste thing, not a bad idea.....I'll wait to see if he contacts me today, at least that way I'll know where i stand..
...He acused me of playing mind games with him....i didn't i swear to, whatever i swear to... i didn't... but maybe that is all this is? maybe its all its ever been one big attention seeking mind game that I somehow forgot was actually suppose to be funny?...
i'm sorry, i agree that if you're able to write things down you could e-mail him your thoughts or even write an old fashioned letter (you know, in paper-lol) and hand it to him and then after he has read it you can try to talk?
idk
sorry
*hugs*
NOt attention seekign from what i can read! *pokes you into copying and paste* if he cares about you (most friends do!!) then when you push him away I imagine it hurts him as well as you and to him, as he doesn't know what's going on, it will seem like mind games. I would e-mail him this whole thread. That way you explain what you've been going through too!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
So, this is how our IM conversation worked out: (I've edited his name, because not sure how he would feel about that..He's not really called Hector!)
Message from Verizon Business EMEA
Hector: [16:17]:
did I win? was it beans?
Evans, Debbie [16:18]:
you sure did... can you tell if its raining from where you are sitting?
Hector: [16:18]:
um no but easy to check 2mins
Evans, Debbie [16:19]:
thanks ...all the blinds are down up here
Hector: [16:19]:
doesn't look like it is - you wanna lift at 5? don't have to be home till 7pm
can drop ya at station
Evans, Debbie [16:20]:
It's cool... I think i have an umbrella & have to pick up **** on the way
Hector: [16:20]:
yeah we can picks her up she won't be happy getting her hair wet so think we should go get her
Evans, Debbie [16:25]:
thanks...but its okay, i don't want to put you out.
Hector: [16:26]:
oh so your still in that place today
ok have a good nite
Evans, Debbie [16:26]:
honestly....what are you talking about? I'm not in a place...I don't want to put you out... why is that so wrong or even what's bad about that?
Hector: [16:28]:
absolutely nothing - you have a nice evening speak to ya tomorrow...x
Evans, Debbie [16:28]:
what are you talking about? I don't understand
Hector: [16:31]:
OK - yest you made a comment about 'If your still coming that is' concerning Scotland, then it was 'I don't won't need you for anything and if I do it won't be important' and now it's 'I don't wanna put you out' like I'm just an aquaintance or something - when has you doing me or me doing you a favour ever been a 'chore' or an 'inconvenience' - it feels that your purposely trying to distanceyourself from meand I know why your doing it because you feel you've told me things you shouldn't and it's 'changed' our relationship but the only person that's changed is you and I don't know what to do about it
Evans, Debbie [16:41]:
It was so much easier when no one knew. It didn't matter that I did the things I did or felt the way I did, because no one could see how ugly i was & I could manipulate any situation to reflect away from people seeing me…a bit like living in the dark, but now its like the light got turned on & you can see everything, but I’m still ugly & I can’t hide it & that frightens the **** out of me. I don’t know what else to say except I’m so very sorry & I love you very much & I’mabout to burst into tears.
Hector: [16:48]:
bean the fact I love you so much should tell you that I don't think anything of what you've just written - you should no that you and **** mean the world to me and nothing NOTHING has changed that nor ever will (unless you both kidnap me and f*ck up my legs 'Misery' style)...I am here for you you don't have to tell me stuff you don't want but you asked me to pretend nothing has ever happened so as your in control of the switch why don't you turn off the lights and we'll go back to playing in the dark together...I love you as you are, warts and all...how bout I give you a lift at 5 just after we have a big hug?
Now, I know its not fixed completely, when I saw him, (as soon as I could get my legs to work again) I told him we probably needed to chat about this some more - because living in the dark wasn't something that i could do, because it meant a whole lot of bad stuff - so.
When I was writing my reply there were so many different things, i wrote & then deleted - I tried denial - anger - but in the end turned out just to go straight to the point, there was no point denying it - he could obivously feel it.
I'm very very scared about the face to face..so think i need to do it soon, like pulling off a plaster... I am brave, I am brave... i can do it.... lalalalalalalala...
I'm glad things seem to be okay with you and your friend, it's good that you were honest with him. Well done! Hope everything went okay when you spoke face to face x
.gif "rose")
