Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - My world is turned upside down

[sykobich]

I was three when my sexual abuse started and the sex started when I was five. My mom was a drunk and a druggie and always had people over to the house. They were all partying all the time so I wasn't allowed downstairs. My mom couldn't afford her drugs so she sold me to her friends....meaning she got her drugs and her friends got to have their way with me. I remember about six different guys. They were all so rough with me (except one) I bled every day and whenever they wanted it I had to do what they wanted. A couple of guys did some sick cruel stuff to me like one guy put a wire coat hanger inside of me and made me bleed then he put his fingers in me and got blood on them then wiped it on me, and one guy if I didn't do something EXACTLY perfect he would either put his gun inside me or in the middle of my forehead and threaten to blow me away. I always tried to get away so I was always tied down to my bed. Most of the other guys shoved things inside me really hard and was rough with sex but there was one guy....I refer to him as the man who smelled good. Still to this day I don't blame him for anything and I can't get it through my head that it was sexual abuse...that's what everyone says but I just cant see it. This man played house with me we played with my babydolls we had tea parties I sat on his lap and he either read me stories or he made up stories and told them to me. I let this man do whatever he wanted to me. He was so kind and gentle and I loved him. He used to lay on my bed with me and I'd cuddle up next to him and just lay there with him till I fell asleep. I did things to him that I didn't really want to but I never said anything cause I wanted him to be happy and pleased with me. All that went on for about four years till my mom died (of a drug overdose) There were a lot of other times I was sexually abused but too many to get into. Now I'm 37 and my husband raped me last month and then again on Friday night. (I got drunk and passed out) I didn't press any charges either time though. The 28th of this month will be 17 years we have been married and I know if I press charges & sign a DVP on him or anything then I would have to be alone and that terrifies me....I know I'm stupid.....can't help it though. So I recon my sexual abuse aint quite over yet. I am severely depressed take a bunch of medication deal with flashbacks daily and have frequent nightmares about everything from people killing me being raped all the time about me killing my mom and she's been dead since '77. I dissociate REALLY bad too. I'm just all totally screwed up. I don't have a therapist as of right now, I haven't had one since last December. So far I've had one appointment with a rape crisis counselor and I go again on Monday so I guess I'm at least getting some kind of help. Sorry for babbling on sometimes I tend to talk to much.

[Stellata]

I'm glad you're getting some help.

You have been, and are still going through, some terrible things.

You say you find it hard to see what you've been through as sexual abuse. That is understandable, because as a child you have no conception of the words 'sexual' and 'abuse'.

We don't hate you, we want to help. What kind of support would you like by posting this?

[jlc2010]

dude...that's just wrong! i cant believe that happened to you. that's so sad. things like that can tramatize a person serverely. i mean, c'mon, who would wanna live anymore after something like that happens?

well..tell ya what. since ive never been sexually abused, and since im only 15, i still wanna help. and if i cant help ya, then...some one ELSE can help u. like..a thearpist or someone. sure, not everyone will understand, but hey, what beats trying? the only way u can get help is if u ask for it. what kind of help do u think u need?

u say u find it hard to think of all that's happend to u as sexual abuse. sure, kids at a young age dont even know or understand the word 'sex', but you're almost 40 now (no offense :) ) so now u should know alla bout sex and sexual abuse and what not. so......yeah.....what u went thru is sexual abuse, child abuse, sexual indicentcy on a minor, whatever u wanna call it. either way, its abuse sexually....and if your husband is still raping u, press charges. its an illegal act. u shouldnt let it slide, other wise he'll just do it again and think he can get away w/ it..

[ghosts in the machine]

I'm so sorry you've been put through all this, but I think you're amazingly strong for managing to get through it and still be alive afer all these years.

Well done for going to see a rape crisis counsellor - that must have taken courage - and I hope you do see her/him again. It really can help.

I know it is a teriffying prospect, being alone, but sweetie, it's not that bad, and it's most certainly better than getting raped by your husband. We're here to support you in whatever you chose to do, but I would recommend pressing charges against him to show him that you have control over your body - you're not just there for him to use.

As to the flashbacks and nightmares.. I know what it's like; I have them quite regularly/badly. Do you know any grounding techniques? One that I use (to remind myself where I am) is naming all the objects in the place I'm in. Then I chose one object, and think about it in detail - what does it look like, what does it do, is it well designed or not, how would you describe it to an alien that had never seen it before, what would that alien think it was designed for, how would you describe how to use it? Go through as many objects as you need to remind yourself/take up the time that you need to get through the flashback.

I know what you mean by saying you can't get it through your head that you were sexually abused - I'm a lot like that myself; it simply does not want to accept that what happened to me was wrong, illegal and very very traumatic. So I try to rationalise it by saying that it wasn't sexual abuse.


I hope that helps a little, sorry if it doesn't, and if you ever need a sympathetic ear then PM me.

[bloodletting]

hugs...thats a lot to go through in one lifetime..but sadly my life story is so close to yours its not funny, i'm now 25 and like you i havent escaped the abuse completely...
i understand that 17 years is a long time to share a life with someone, but hun if he still loved you then he wouldnt hurt you like he did, thats a hard thing to acknowledge but sweetie leaving him doesnt mean you have to be alone.
as for the abuse, i think finding a long term counsellor would be a good idea..maybe the rape crisis counsellor can refer you to someone. either way good on ya for taking that step, it's a brave thing to do.
and as for the man who was kind to you..well if he was still abusing you then he cant have been too kind..abusers all have different methods of making sure you co-operate..some will just be forceful..and others will trick you into thinking that they really do care for you..and you werent getting love or attention from your mum so you took it from the only place you could.
and Gothic angel idea of grounding yourself is great (may have to try it for myself)
but i dont think you can expect to heal completely if you are still being hurt hun..do this for you..
good luck and i hope you work things out
here if ya need someone to talk to
xoxoxox take care

[Imperfect]

I am so sorry that you've been through so much. You may be worried about being alone, I used to feel that way too, but I can tell you that being alone is nothing compared to being abused. You will find somebody else who will love you for who you are and will not treat you badly. I think you should press charges. You will always have people here to talk to when you feel lonely and I'm sure you'll meet somebody who will make you truly happy. I hope things get better for you. I really, really do

- Melody x