I don't know why I'm resisting the urge to cut. It doesn't make any sense to me right now. Maybe I just don't want to feel like a complete ****ing screw up anymore. But GOD I WANT TO DO IT. I WANT TO DO IT AND NOBODY BUT MYSELF IS STANDING IN MY WAY!!!!! Does anyone else know how ****ing hard that is? I'm not enough to stop me. Because I have a low self image, I'm not worth listening to. God. The urge is almost unbearable. I'm distracting myself. I don't want to deal with this **** in my life anymore. I'm sick of dealing with the stress, the anxiety, the feelings of worthlessness. I know many people can't relate to this but I hate having to have control over myself. I want somebody else to take care of me, to tell me it's going to be okay. There is no one right now. I'm not in a hospital, I have stuff in my room that I can use. I can just get up right now and go do it. It wouldn't be difficult to hide. I'd feel better. There are a million ****ing reasons to do it. But I'm not. I'm resisting. I don't get it.
No one is telling me not to. No one is going to validate me, or reassure me. No one is going to take this on themselves. No one is going to make the stress subside. I have to deal with this. It's staring me in the face and I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't ****ing want to deal with it. WHY am I doing this?
It's for me. It's to prove I have some measure of personal strength.
If I'm not a freak. If I don't self harm. If I'm not always playing things up and conforming to what people expect me to be like--they will still like me. At least the important ones will.
God, this is hard. I feel like I'm going to throw up from all the stress and worry. It's like my brain can't handle the truth. It's grown so accustomed to being lied to, and believing those lies. I need something to channel all these feelings through. I need them to not be so strong, so overwhelming, so mind crushing. That's why I've been running away from them. I just want to sleep. To relax for a few hours and sleep, and then get up and not feel like a complete ****ing mess.
I'm sorry everyone. I know this was a rant but I need support. I really, really do. Argh.
I don't want to deal with this **** in my life anymore. I'm sick of dealing with the stress, the anxiety, the feelings of worthlessness.
I want somebody else to take care of me, to tell me it's going to be okay.
It's for me. It's to prove I have some measure of personal strength.
i know how you feel, really i do. sometimes it just seems so horrible and unfair that we have to deal with this, all those things like the stress and worthlessness.
right now i wish someone would just come and hold me and tell me everything will be ok, but like you i dont have anyone so i know its so hard to keep going and try to look after yourself and deal with this yourself.
you make a really good point though about doing this for yourself - hang onto that thought. you are the most important thing and the fact that you are jst trying so hard not to cut shows you have loads of personal strength!
you are doing so well to be fighting this hun, please just try to hang in there, keep going, keep holding on, and you will feel so much better for it in the end
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
*hugs you* I hope you're doing okay. You're really strong to keep resisting the urge like this, and doing it for yourself is the best reason you can have! I know how hard it can be. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. Take care hun
Let us take some of the stress off of you. Nobody can change your life for you, unfortunately, but we on here and friends etc in real life can help you to change it yourself and it is possible. Believe that, it may not seem like it is possible but it's something we have to believe otherwise what is the point?
I wish I had something wise to say. I want to let you know that I at least read your post and am supportive of you!
Sending hugs your way!
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I tried not to cut. I really, really did. But I failed and ended up doing it five times in the last two days. : (
I know it's time to ease up on cutting, but when I feel backed into a corner with stress and anxiety and fear all of my emotions kind of get stuffed down and the only way I can pull them back out is through cutting. Otherwise I just lay on my bed with all that static and compressed feeling and it doesn't go away. I'm sorry. I let you guys think I had some personal strength when really I obviously don't.
You SI for the same reason I do, a sense of being trapped. I do understand.
You are not a failure! You have the strength to ask for help!
*gives you a cuddle*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
.gif "rose")
