I have no idea where else to write this. I'm scared to be putting it 'publically' like this but I desperately need some support. Someone from church has lent me their PC for a couple of hours to find some online so that's how I've ended up here.
I don't know what to do anymore. What I'm experiencing is getting worse and worse. I've been SIing but don't know I've done it - literally cannot remember. It's been getting worse and I know eventually I'll have to go to A&E (ER for those in US!) but how can I possibly explain what is happening. They'll ask how and I won't be able to tell them. I'm not even really explaining here, though there is someone on this board who knows no-one else aside from CPN and GP do. I can't explain it properly because I can't.
The more I ask for help the more I reinforce the diagnosis of attention seeking. My issues (according to drs) are 'little thoughts' which if I want to I can control but I don't because they say I don't want to. I have no mental illness. I cannot get crisis intervention because by then not killing myself I am winding them up saying when I am suicidal. What choice do I have but to die? I've looked at suicide websites and been in chatrooms asking for support when it all falls apart like it is now and all I get told is go to hospital, phone your drs. I am not allowed to do that. I go to A&E like I have recently and I get refused treatment because I am a known timewaster. Timewaster because I overcame my suicidal feelings. Twice I asked for help. *Twice* and now I'm punished for it. Where do you go when no-one can be bothered to help you. I am exhausted from trying. From fighting.
The risk is to me and because I am so worthless I am left struggling. Telling my CPN gets me nowhere because they say talking makes it worse and to concentrate on the good things - though even he admits that is minimal. Friday I got a letter from the jobcentre asking me to go in to see their back to work advisor. I can barely cope with staying alive and now I have them on my back about not working and the council have refused me housing benefit. Over the past two weeks three separate people have had a go at me for being lazy and not working.
I feel incredibly lonely. Sad. Frightened. I can't do this. I can't. It's too much for me to bear. I try and think one or two days ahead and it paralyses me. The past two days I've been literally going from hour to hour. The date I set in March I let go past because I let myself beleive that by going to see the specialist maybe I could continue to exist. But he didn't want to know either. No-one does. They tell me to tell them the truth about how I feel and what I am going through and yet when I do that I get punished for it. I should have just hidden it as long as I could and then instead of asking for help just got on with it. It's a terrible thing to tell someone that they won't be judged or punished for asking for help when suicidal, be that on the edge or just having an inkling of it when they are - I can't seek help or treatment because when I do I get reminded of how I'm not dead so it isn't really a problem - the only message I have taken away from them is that I am worthless and should be dead.
I don't even know if I've said anything here or not. I'm such a mess
