Triggering (SI/Abuse) - I am depressed. And homeless. Again. (Formerly I think I'm depressed again)
It's been, quite honestly, a long time since I last cut. Nearly a year now. Check my status on this new ryl thing and I'm listed as unsafe. I don't FEEL safe anymore. Last few weeks I've been fondling knives/blades etc, but never actually cutting, just feeling the sharpness, so to speak. I'm scaring myself though. My gf's noticed it, I know she has, but I can't really talk about it with her as she's got enough problems with the pregnancy.
I have spoken in brief to her and she tells me she's noticed I've been depressed for over a month now, and I don't know what to do about it. If I go to see anyone, given my past, they'll just label me unsafe to take care of a child and take my son away when he's born. If I don't tell anyone... well... that's why I'm here.
I can't honestly imagine WHY I feel depressed - normal people would be overjoyed at a time like this - baby on the way, wife-to-be who loves me, new house, new job, new pc, everything looking up. So why so down? I can't pinpoint it. Help!
Last edited by xyon : 04-12-2007 at 12:14 PM.
Reason: Title change
Unfortunately depression doesn't discriminate. You can have everything in the world and still get depression. As long as you are not a danger to another person, no one is going to take your baby away from you. It sounds like there have been a lot of changes going on in your life, so maybe its something to do with that. Get the help you need now, before it does become a major problem. Take care.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
Depression isn't a logical thing, as wabbit said, and it strikes anybody at any time. You dont deserve to feel that way, though, and your family deserves you to be well. I wouldnt worry about getting help. Being depressed or SIing doesnt make you an unfit parent. Plenty of parents that I knew growing up were in therapy and diagnosed with depression and anxiety and related things. If you arent a danger to others, or a danger to yourself (in suicidal terms), there are no grounds whatsoever to take your child from you. In fact, seeking professional help may make you look more impressive because you are being responsible. But, more importantly, you dont deserve to feel this way and you are entitled to help. I don't know your fiance's details, but if she is reaching out to you and noticing that things are wrong, I wouldnt necessarily shut her out for not wanting to burden her. It may cause her more pain to know that something is wrong but that you wont tell her about it. Give her a chance, maybe, and you both might feel better in the end.
Good luck, and congratulations on the little one. I hope mom and baby are doing really well.
xxxooo
Thank you for speedy replies. I know that she needs to know I'm ok, and you are correct that it'll make it worse if she knows there's something wrong and I don't tell, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I tell her when I'm down but not the full extent of it. I feel like a traitor, which isn't helping, but I think I'd feel worse if I told her.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
try not to be scared - remember that in the end this is your life and you are the one in control of it
you might not have to tell fiance EVERYTHING, but you can find a way to talk to her and not feel like you are lying or a traitor (because you arent)
just be honest and tell her that things arent great right now and you are feeling depressed but you are still trying to work it all out for yourself and you will tell her more when you are ready
it will get better
xxxooo
Sweetheart, try not to be scared, like the others said, you need to tell your girlfriend, you know it'll worry her more if theres something wrong but she doesn't know what. The time to sort this out is now, so it doesn't develop or get worse, so get what help you can. We're all here for you.
Please take care.
Love Amy xxxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
You're all, unfortunately, correct. Which makes my job no easier, I'm sad to say. Thanks for your words of support, they are helpful, and I will commend you all to my gods if I get through this.
I still haven't said anything. Keep approaching the subject and bottling out. I'll keep trying.
good luck honey! stay strong, you can get through this!
remember what i said, you've got everyone behind you, everyone's here for you, anytime you need us.
Loves
Amy xxx
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
hugs are nice
and that is great that you tried
maybe you could write it down instead if that is easier? does she know about RYL? you could always show her this thread, but I totally understand if this is your private thing and you dont want her to see your posts.
good luck hun
i really hope that you two work it out and that you get the help you need.
if details are too much to go into you could always just be general with her and let her know you are having a hard time but you are seeking help and that you just need space or something.
xxxooo
You're in a tough situation. She has problems of her own, so you use that as justification not to add yours on top of everything else. You hold it in for one more day. But it won't be long until you've buried so much that you need an outlet. Maybe you'll turn to her then. But what if you don't? It's an awful cycle to get into. I'm there myself. Please, before things get worse for you, talk to her. She should be understanding. If the love is there, she won't turn away. She'll support you like you support her because that's what relationships are all about: leaning on one another.
Find the courage. Talk to her before it's too late.
D.
"A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart." - Albert Camus
hugs are nice
and that is great that you tried
maybe you could write it down instead if that is easier? does she know about RYL? you could always show her this thread, but I totally understand if this is your private thing and you dont want her to see your posts.
good luck hun
i really hope that you two work it out and that you get the help you need.
if details are too much to go into you could always just be general with her and let her know you are having a hard time but you are seeking help and that you just need space or something.
xxxooo
I intoroduced her to V2 to try to help her with her own SH. She's since managed to stop, well, we both have really. Except now I'm back. Hmm. I've suddenly made myself feel like such a screw-up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by delikatskin
You're in a tough situation. She has problems of her own, so you use that as justification not to add yours on top of everything else. You hold it in for one more day. But it won't be long until you've buried so much that you need an outlet. Maybe you'll turn to her then. But what if you don't? It's an awful cycle to get into. I'm there myself. Please, before things get worse for you, talk to her. She should be understanding. If the love is there, she won't turn away. She'll support you like you support her because that's what relationships are all about: leaning on one another.
Find the courage. Talk to her before it's too late.
D.
I know. We were in hospital all day yesterday because she had severe abdominal pain. Didn't seem the right time.
Last edited by xyon : 27-06-2007 at 01:15 AM.
Reason: Meh, spelling mistakes.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
you arent a screw up at all - if recovery were really nice and easy and peachy we would all be recovered. you have good days and bad days and that is completely normal and one bad day doesnt take away all the good days and all the work you have accomplished. i hope that things went well at the hospital. you are right that maybe yesterday was crazy and not the time, but as D. said you shouldnt bottle it all up too long and if you cant tell her right now you should find another friend or family member or doctor or something. you shouldnt go through this alone, you dont deserve that, and if you cant tell her yet you should tell somebody. it's hard when things are crazy for both of you, but try not to get in a pattern of making excuses and please find a way to talk to her for both your sakes. since she is familiar with RYL maybe you could show her your posts or something? good luck sweetie - keep us updated, yeah?
xxxooo
Hope you're feeling better or will be soon, I read but unfortunately I'm not much help at the moment.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
I told her. It hasn't made it any better, or worse. She tries to help, which makes me feel guilty because she's got her own problems, and I'm kinda programmed to look after her. It's not her not helping me, it's me not letting her, I realise that. But I don't know how to change what I am.
At least the baby's ok. We were in hospital all day Monday because they thought she was going into premature labour, which at 29 weeks would be extremely bad.
Turns out she wasn't. Which is good.
Also, we had a 4D scan on Thursday, which was an amazing experience. The pictures are on my website, http://www.xyons-ebooks.tk
Been on holiday this weekend, just got back today. Gods it was good to get away. I really feel a lot better. I've got the doctor on Friday, my GF says she'll come with me and help me tell them I'm depressed.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
My friend wanted to get one of those ultrasounds last year before she had her baby but she ended up not because of insurance money crap but you are so lucky you could do that! They're amazing arent they??
I'm so glad that you were at least able to be open with your gf and sorta talk about it. I hope you feel like it helped and was a good step?
I have my fingers crossed for you for Friday. I hope that the two of you are able to go and tell the doctor everything so that they are able to better help you. That should be a good thing.
Xyon,
Its great youve been on holiday and that it was good to get away,
and that you feel alot better too. Going to the drs on friday sounds a good idea, especially if your gf will come with you, it will help you both to feel closer about the depression your struggling with.
And if you can talk about it, it will be good for both of you. If you struggle write down some of your feelings if you find it hard to explain,and take it with you to drs. The more you can open up about it, i know its hard, but the more you will benefit.
It is scarry stuff mate when depression takes over and holds us back , your doing so well with how you are handling things right now, keep going little steps. And keep posting when you can, we are here for you . remember that.
Dave
Last edited by bleedingdragon : 10-07-2007 at 02:42 AM.
Reason: eek spelling mistake
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
