Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I think I've left my husband
After being 'stable' but low for a few months, I took a sharp downward turn in Feb.
Firstly, eating disorder kicked off again after 7 months without binging.
Then, I started having casual sex again.
Not long after, I started cutting again.
All things have been getting worse and worse.
Yesterday husband found my scars and told me that it was the most horrible thing he'd ever seen and he didn't know how I wasn't disgusted every time I looked at myself. After trying to talk things over, he told me that he knew it was just a matter of time before I kill myself, and he'd rather I left before I did it. He told me that he'd leave me if I ever cut myself again.
Our conversation really hurt, and I told him I was going to stay with my Mum for a few days. Instead, I'm here in the bedroom of my married lover and I'm trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do.
Husband figured out that I wasn't at Mums and when I said I was with a friend, he texted saying "That explains everything". Nothing more from him since, so I don't even know if I have a home to go to.
I've text my brother asking if I can stay with him for a few days.
I don't know what to do :(
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
oh hun, difficult situation.... maybe having a break is a good thing but prob staying away from the casual sex would be good too so you can really think about what you want to do with your marriage!!
as for the "disgusting" comment, that is horrible and out of line.... its the kind of reaction i expect from people but have learnt that generally people are more concerned than disgusted.... my manager and best friend both tell me regularly that they are not disgusting and i shouldnt keep putting myself down. it expects its quite hard for your husband cos clearly he doesnt understand and mayb its too hard for him to deal with cos he cares so much! although he should understand that it sprobably a thousand times harder for you.
i hope your ok!!! sending lots of love and hugs xx
this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!!
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
you can get through this low, sweetie
you can survive this - clearly you are a fighter
do you have any idea what brought this on? did something happen after those 7 months?
do you have a counsellor/doc you can talk to to help you get through this? maybe you could get an emergency appt and come up with a plan for the short-term and long-term
if you dont feel comfortable living in your home with your husband right now then you should def find somewhere else, with fam or friend
just please know that you shouldnt have to go through all this alone
there is help out there
you can do it honey
update us when you are able to
xxxooo callie
For your binging since it is back again, have you considered going to overeaters anonymous? They are a 12 step program. Or just applying the twelve steps to binging?
I'm glad you can reach out here!
hugs
Last edited by blondiebear : 26-05-2008 at 02:29 PM.
Reason: add something
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I've been to a few OA meetings, didn't seem to 'click'. Sponsor hit the nail on the head today - I'm not ready, or willing, to give up self-harming, sex or overeating :(
Am back home, feeling miserable. Square peg, round hole, but I'm so scared.
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
hey "not ready" doesnt mean "won't EVER be ready!" it just means "not ready yet but is working on it and making great progress and is becoming ready" :)
like the square peg is sitting on top of the round hole and is slowly being sanded down to a round shape and will be round with a little bit of time
and it's okay to be scared, maybe good to be scared because it shows you are aware of the situation. scared is normal, hun, but just remember you aren't alone.
OA didn't do anything for me either. In AA it feels like and to me is a life and death situation. Since only 15% of the alcoholics who seek help stay sober.
I am so glad to hear that you have a good relationship like that with your sponsor. I have one like that too.
It is okay to be scared. I forget where it is but I think the 12 and 12 says that the chief activator of or character defects is self centered fear. You might want to look in steps six or seven. That is not a lecture, just an offering!
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
this pic is so i can always remember jen who was my l'il sock monkey friend who has left ryl and i miss her!!! 
