Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - Giving up.

[Soph]

I'm sorry, i don't know why i'm posting i'm just so confused and it hurts so bad. I can't bare it anymore, i just want to end it all.

First my sister sexually abused me for four years. Then my boyfriend did for the next for years, he even got me pregnant and my best mate pregnant within days of each other then we split up. Then whilst I was pregnant some lad i worked with drugged and sexually asaulted me, he was supposed to be my friend. Then just before i miscarried my boyfriend who was 22 raped me. Then just over a month ago a lad i was working with sexually asaulted me in the staff room even though he was in a serious relationship. Am I asking for people the sexually abuse me or something? Am I just a complete slag? I feel used, worthless, disgusting. I don't get why anyone would want to go near me anyway. I'm not an attractive person. I hate myself and my body. I'm a mess. I just want to be happy, is that so bad?

I don't want to go on anymore. Is this it? Is my life going to be like this for the rest of my life? I'm a wreck. I don't deserve to live but I have to because i'm the only one who can protect my niece. How did things get so bad? I don't know how to cope anymore. I'm scared of myself. I'm my own worst enemy.

[green.eyes]

*hugs tight* i'm so sorry you've had all of this to deal with sweetheart. please don't give up and dont let these people win. no-one deserves to be abused and no one asks for it. ever.
all i can say is that if you're ever in this position again report it immediatly to the police and dont ever associate with people who abuse you.
take care
PM me anytime

[Stu_CDX]

Firstly I'd like to say how disgusted I am to hear what you've been through. Nobody should have to deal with this and I am really angry that there are people like this walking and breathing on this earth. It is not you that is asking for it at all. Sadly, some men feel that they are better than the women of this earth and take advantage.

It makes me feel really shitty to read this and all I can say is stay strong. Report the bastards to the police and ask to be kept safe.

I know this may sound awful of me, and if it does I don't mean it in a nasty way, but stay wary of people for as long as it takes for them to prove they're good people. I'm too trusting, in fact, I'm a bit of a Mug, and I find myself in situations that could have been avoided if I had just spent a little time making sure people are what they say they are.

Have a big hug from me *HuGz* and remember, that you are better than all of these monsters and far from worthless, regardless of how worthless you feel.

If ever you want to chat, PM for my attention or add me on MSN.

All the best

Stu xx

[Spoons]

Its understandable that you feel like theres nothing to live for considering all the horrible things that you have been through, but there are so many things in life which can be so great.

i know its not as simple as this, but whenever i feel overwhelmed with all theabuse things that i have been through and life is just getting so unbearable, i just think that i am not going to let the bastards win. I do simple things like treating myself, because i deserve to be treated well as do you. I also make a real effort to discuss the parts of abuse that are particularly effecting me that week/ recently with my therapist, hoping that talking about them, discussing them and hearing other peoples response to what i have been through, the different views that people have about it. I had it drilled into me that i deserved it, that it was all my fault, but talking to someone saying it all outloud, and realising that maybe it wasnt all my fault makes me feel that bit better.

Do you have a counsellor or a close friend to talk to? if you havent got a therpist maybe you could look into getting one?

pm if you want to talk
amy
xxx

What you've been through is sick, rapists and terrorists should have the death penalty. I'm also very proud of you for looking after your niece :) It's amazing that you can cope enough to look after her.
Your life won't be like that for ever, change is iminent, eventaully something will happen and it'll get better, I promise.

*hugs*
xx
*hugs*
xx
*hugs*
xx
*hugs*
xx
*hugs*
xx
*hugs*
xx

[Soph]

Thankyou for all your kind messages, i do appreciate it. I'm beginning to lose hope. It's too late for me, my niece is the only one that matters, no one will ever love her like i do, i raised her and i do care about her but she is three years old now and she deserves better than this, i love her but i'm in no state to provide the care that my girl deserves. I have no one and right now i feel as though i am on my own, there appears to be no way out or no way forward for me. I am becoming mentally and physically weaker by the day. She deserves better than me. I just wish I could be stronger.

Once again thankyou for your messages, it means a lot xx

You could seek help with looking after her, if it'll help relieve some of your stress.

[Stu_CDX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soph

Thankyou for all your kind messages, i do appreciate it. I'm beginning to lose hope. It's too late for me, my niece is the only one that matters, no one will ever love her like i do, i raised her and i do care about her but she is three years old now and she deserves better than this, i love her but i'm in no state to provide the care that my girl deserves. I have no one and right now i feel as though i am on my own, there appears to be no way out or no way forward for me. I am becoming mentally and physically weaker by the day. She deserves better than me. I just wish I could be stronger.

Once again thankyou for your messages, it means a lot xx

As above, seek some sort of help. When I was younger, my mother had to ask for help when she was losing hope and it helps a lot.

If your niece means this much to you, stay strong.

One of my favourite quotes is "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger".... Which if true, means that somewhere deep inside you there is a MASSIVE amount of strength. Some people would have given up long ago, but you haven't. For that, I have a lot of respect for you and what you've managed to pull through.

There are ways out and some of these are not permanant. Things like respite care from the Social services. I spend 6 weeks away from my Mum and she found it helped a lot when I was younger. In fact, when I went back to her she was a changed woman.

Things may get tougher before they get better, but think in the long run about how much this little girl needs you.

As other people have suggested, visit a specialist or ask your GP for advice and remember, you have mine and most probably almost everybody elses highest respect on here for managing to handle this.

And without sounding all woosy, I actually got REALLY upset when I read this post.

Take care and remember, my PM box is ALWAYS open and I'm on MSN and almost everything else IM!

Stu x

[Soph]

It's dificult to juggle college work and megan, as much as i love her i can't help but question my ability as her primary care giver. She means too much to me. She's at nursery all day so this morning all i've done is cut. She never sees the cuts but when she sees the scars she follows them with her finger and then looks up at me and tells me she's going to put special cream on and gets her play doctors set out and pretends to make me better. And then she looks at me and tilts her head slightly and says 'do you need go doctors?' and its heart breaking. It really is. I don't know how much longer I can cope, i'm 16 years old. I'm relying on the wages of a part time job to keep us going. I'm full time at college but i'm missing time there to work just to keep us going. Its killing me. I work night shifts then go straight to college if i absolutely have to. But I'm not strong enough for this, i'm not cut out to be a mother. Its like i'm cutting and cutting and cutting just to get through the day.