oh god this is so hard to write but somehow I have to pick myself up out of this devastating low. Im the closest Ive been to SI/SU since my daughter was born... I deserve to die a painful death...
things have been really hard at home between me and JG. my resulting stress is sky high with no proper outlet and Ive been marching forwards in the hope that things will get better. sometimes we have glimmers of hope but those glimmers arent enough to offset all the anguish Ive been feeling. throughout all this Ive tried to stay positive around my daughter but recently cracks have been appearing. Ive been short tempered and impatient with her and I feel soo awful about it yet I dont seem able to stop myself.
we are currently having a nightmare at bed time with her. she used to be so good and go down very easily but the last few weeks its taking upwrds from and hour for her to settle into bed, stay there and go to sleep. more often than not she's still awake 90mins after we put her down. Now we have a great bedtime routine... the same one she's been doing for many months now but something's changed and she will not stay in bed or let herself go to sleep. Over and above any frustrations I have with her regarding bed time it has a huge impact on me. I have no personal space or time, im sleep deprived and obviously I cant handle it at the moment.
not that any of that excuses what i did last night....
she was misbehaving and I warned her I was going to smack her if she didnt stop running around and get into bed. she didnt so I smacked her. She laughed and (oh god this hurts so much to write) I smacked her really hard across the back of her thigh. she went quiet and then burst into tears and then laughed. But I knew how hard I smacked her and I was (and am) in floods of tears.
Im so disgusted with myself and I so want to hurt myself.... to exact revenge on myself for my mistreatment of the MOST precious thing in my life... I know that in that second I didnt smack to discipline... I smacked in anger... I hate myself so much... I cant believe that I overstepped that mark...
I always thought I could be a great mum and Ive just undermined the last bit of self-respect I had for myself and proven that Im an unfit mother.....
Alchy, as a mom, i must admit i did the same thing about the same age. And i felt how you are feeling now. I KNOW the self-hate, the need/desire to punish yourself, to hurt yourself in a terrible way. But huni...you ask ANY mom and they will (if they are honest) admit to smacking out of anger. I dont nmean repeated smacking, i mean what you (AND I) BOTH did..
Oh alchy i do honestly KNOW how you are feeling right now. PLS , hurting yourself will NOT make you feel better..i PROMISE that. Do you want a reminder of it everytime you see that scar(s)??
You're human. No it isnt right, but it happens to everyone. This DOES NOT, i repeat , DOES NOT make you a bad mom...it makes you a tired, hell EXHAUSTED , scared, alone, lonely parent of a young infant. Whom you do all the work with and for.
Pls precious, dont harm yourswelf...dont make more pain...
Oh i wish i could keep you safe right now...
sweetie I know I don't post in vets but I just wanted to say your are not a bad mum.
You got fustrated and angry and you feel bad for it so you are not a bad mum.
I did the same thing to luke once when he was about 2 and I know how bad it feels but its a mistake and you cane learn from it. Nobody blames you for it, it is so so difficult to cope when they are running riot and your tired and frustrated and you feel like you want to scream. There was a time I had terrible thoughts about luke but it's ok you can get through this tough time and focus on all the good little things that you love about her.
Tell yourself that if it does happen again you will tell someone because obviously for your daughters sake its not something you want to do again
but she is young she won't even remember it and you are doing a fabulous job as a mother but everyone makes mistakes and I don't think theres a person out there whos raised children who hasn't thought about it or done it at least once because its a very trying time.
You do not need to si because you have been punished enough with the guilt you feel about it and you didn'tdo anything wrong.
take care of yourself sweetie and if you want to talk feel free to pm me
much love
katy
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
There is NO WAY you are a bad mother. You say your daughter is the most previous thing, you do not mis-treat her or abuse her in any way. You were angry and made a mistake and beating yourself up about it wont help. How well can your daughter talk? Could you find out if there is a reason why she wont go to bed?
just wondered how you are now? If i know you, and im *sure* i do after all these years you are still hating yourself and feeling a bad mom. Looking for and contemplating ways to hurt yourself [if you havent already].
Plain and simple: you are NOT a 'bad' mom!!!
I firmly believe there is NOT ONE mother out there who can honestly say they never did this. Not ONE!
You made a mistake, like it was pointed out, the very fact you feel so terrible and guilt-ridden PROVES you ARE a good mom. A TRULY 'bad' mom wouldnt think twice of it, nor would this have been the first time either.
Pls Alchy, pls TRY to believe us when we say you are NOT a bad mom!!!
Did she pull away from you afterwards? Did she continue to cry? (no , she began laughing), was she then or is she now seeming fearful of you? Or is everything back to normal for her ??? I know its the latter...now we need to help you feel the same...as its true.
She still loves her mommy, you ARE a great mom to her; i wish i had a mom like you...then maybe i wouldn't be in this mess i am at my age...Maybe if i had of grow up surrounded by the love , caring and support (and just plain old fun ) i wouldnt be the suicidal wreck i am now at my age.....
i hope you can let this go before it eats away at you anymore....pls don't hurt youself.
NO MORE HURT!!!
PLS!
anytime babes; anytime
I love you my dear alchy, so much
how long have things been particularly bad with you and JG, have the past few weeks been worse than before? kids are amazing at picking up stressors in their parents lives and it sounds like your little one is showing those stressors at bedtime.
when you feel yourself getting angry at her walk away. make sure she is somewhere safe where she cant get hurt and walk away. go into another room for a few minutes and try and gather your thoughts. your attention is all that matters to her whether it be good or bad and by removing the one thing she wants (you) when she is bad it is a harsher punishment than a smack or a shout or anything. she will soon learn that to get mummy's attention she needs to act right.
as for the bedtime thing i'd put money on it thats she's picking up your worries. either that or it could be the light nights so invest in some good black out curtains. also lavender in her evening bath and a nice bedtime snuggle with a story are brilliant relaxers for a child. try and also make the last 2 hours of her day calm and relaxed. dont argue with JG at this time wait till she is asleep (and make sure she is asleep not just in bed) if you have to argue about stuff. if she goes to bed at 7pm then from 5pm onwards try and do more quiet activities, reading, puzzles etc get her body to start to slow down.
oh also has any of her daytime routines changed in the past few weeks? different mealtimes, different naptimes anything like that? they could also have an effect.
i know you probablyknow all this stuff and you've probably tried it all but hey its worth a shot right?
oh and your not a bad mother, not at all. you just have a lot of stress in your life right now.
i just noticed something i missed on the first read thru.....your choice of label...
there is a label JUST for SI, yet you chose si AND SUI.
This really worries me....
ARE you close to suicide over this, if you can honestly say openly on the boards? I don't know if i could...
what i'm trying to ask, i this jumbled mess of a reply, is ARE you suicidal? IF so, does anyone know?
I remember awhile back it was only JG who could get couns., is this still the case? Can YOU not have some help now, as it sounds you need it, a place/time just for YOU, just for YOUR needs? ( I KNOW how terrribly hard it is for you to talk) tho...
just a thought...
love you sunshine, so very much!
you know, always. you know too, i mean it. love you
romp
feeling a lil less ***** today... at least not SUI... I also managed not to SI in any way that leaves a mark so I'm relieved about that... whoever said to me about not wanting the scarring to commemorate such an awful incident... it hit home and made my resolve stronger when I was wavering.
I dont think I will ever forgive myself and I have this constantly sick feeling in the pit of my stmach but for the first time this morning I'm actually able to pull myself out of the slump and try to be a great mom.
Things between JG and I havent been great for a while (although he seems reluctant to acknowledge quite how bad it can be)... I am guilty of not biting my tongue and I do need to be more responsible regarding that at bed times. I def believe that our daughter is picking up on the uncertainty and it haunts me every day about how healthy it is for her and her emotional development. I did tell her how bad it was for mummy to do that and I really cried in front of her which although difficult for her to process is more healthy than her thinking i didnt care or that I wasnt remorseful even if she is only (almost) 2.
I really appreciate all the support and although initally I couldnt take any of it on board and I will never allow myself to think it was in any way acceptable I can now process your replies more clearly.
as for bed times I spoke to our CM who just said leave her be even if it takes 2+hrs for her to go to sleep which I find hard. however she usually isnt crying just running around dancing and singing even though we do have a great bathtime routine... lavender bath, books, cuddle and goodnight kiss before lights out.
re:counselling I have been going but due to busy times both for me and counsellor I havent been in 4wks.... which I think is partly why my patience wasn't up to par...
.gif "rose")
