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Triggering (SI) - Hair pulling, other weird urges *graphic, extreme SI)
Frankly, I'm really scared posting here, but there's noone I can talk to about this so I might as well do it here.
I keep having really bad urges to pull my hair out, I have done quite abit, but my hair is falling out anyway, I'm almost "recovered" from my ED, eatting regularly and everything. My floor is quite literally covered in hair, I have to keep sweeping it up so that noone notices it. I feel so awful, I so badly want my hair to grow, to feel pretty for once. But seeing the hair falling out makes me feel awful, and infact triggers me to pull out more hair. My scalp tingles and I feel nervous and it doesn't go away unless I pull out some hair. My eyebrows are disappearing, I look so hideous.
Then it gets weirder. I have these awful urges to pull my veins out, like proper yanking them out of my body, I know it is not physically possible but I just can't get the image and idea out of my head.
And then there is teeth pulling, awful urge, it's mainly my canine teeth, my gums tingle and tickle inside, waiting to be tugged at. And there's skin tearing, I feel so dirty I just want to peel off all my skin like peeling the layers off an onion, so maybe then I'll be clean and beautiful underneath, this is the only thing mentionned that I told my psychiatric nurse about, but she didn't take it seriously, I don't know maybe I'm just overreacting.
Oh yes and did I forget, the tremendous urges to break my wrists, I noticed recently how awful the shape of my wrist bones are so I decided that I'll have to break them. I haven't had a chance to even try, someone in the house will hear, and I'll be forced to take a gap year next year, even though I've practically driven myself to insanity this year trying to achieve perfection.
I feel scared going outside, incase people hear my thoughts, and notice my hair falling out. My birthday is on friday, and I'm going to see my friends on thursday, but really I just want to bury myself under my duvet. Last weekend I felt so scared I slept on the floor, because it felt like the mattress was engulfing me, gravity becomes too much, so much so that a bed can no longer support me.
Hmm, this sucks and I very much doubt I am making any sense at all.
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