I'm really scared right now. I think i'm thinking about what happened a bit too much. It clams me up and I can't function properly and I just want to sit and cry. I don't really know how to handle what happened or what to think. I don't know how I should feel. I just feel crushed and exhausted. I'm sick of battling the little voices in my head and forcing myself to eat. Sometimes I don't want to fight them any more because I just don't feel like I have the strength of mind anymore. It's like I want to just give up. Give up trying to get better because it just makes me feel worse. I also feel terrible about writting all of this. I don't want to burden anyone else with it, but at the same time I can't keep it bottled up any more, I'm really sorry.I Just want to move on but I can't seem to let it go.
Right, well that was a pointless rant anyway. I don't think I can put into words how I actually feel or what I mean and it is so frustrating because I just end up writting long pointless frigin sonnets, most of which I deleat and none of them any use to anyone. Sorry, I'm just a bit...feeling odd and confused.
~~~If you always watch the demonsbehind you,
you will never see the angels ahead. ~~~
If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill
*hugs*
don't apologise for posting or for not being able to explain. any type of abuse is very difficult to talk about.
have you told anyone what happened/ are you receiving professional help?
it sounds like you could do with a safe place to discuss what's going on in your head.
if you stop fighting, you let whoever made you feel this way win. keep fighitng hun, it wont always be this bad.
take care
PM me anytime
Dont apologise for posting, this place is designed so you cn talk about things/ get things off your chest.
It may seem like you are getting nowhere but every day you take small steps forward.
Going over abuse is your mind is hard, thinking about what happened and every memory seems so fresh to the point where you feel physically sick, well thats what it is like with me anyway. It not really a choice is it, to think about abuse, it just always seems to be there, wearing you down.
In therapy its har to talk about things recall them in as much detail as possible si that whoever you are talking to understands. We have to talk about are problems in therapy because talkin helps us to address problems, it hard talking about them and its gets harder before it gets better, but it will get better, the days that pass and the more you talk about things, slowly it becomes easier to talk about, easier to live with.
that sounds like waffle but the point is dont give up, keept fighting, things will improve.
Try to think of it as... a fight to escape a bank with the doors coming down, each time you pass one by, it's another stage done. Like Spoons said, it's 1 more step ;)
I can really empathize with how you feel. It is so hard to talk about this stuff, and it can be triggering etc, but at the same time it is part of what's necessary for eventually healing.
BUT! I did learn (the hard way, my first therapist didn't know) that when you're dealing with something like this, the number one thing is for you to stay SAFE and functional. If you feel like you're talking about the abuse too much, then maybe you are. A good therapist will help you deal with it in manageable bits to make it as ok as it can possibly be.
I don't know if you've got a therapist-- I do think it helps an awful lot, if you have a good one-- but I think you really need to listen to your intuition and trust that you know what's too much. Sometimes I will say, Ok, I'm going to think about/write about/talk about this hard stuff for 20 minutes, and then I'm going to do something that will make me feel good and ok.
I think you're doing a great job of putting into words how you feel. You're just dealing with some really hard stuff, that anyone would struggle with. Try to get some help, and most importantly try to stay safe and take care of yourself. There's no deadline-- if you need to put some of this on a shelf and come back to it when you're more stable, that's fine.
