There are people I know, people I have driven to suicide.
But I've helped them, I've tried to help them, day-in, day-out for weeks, months, years.
I've seen them right after self-harm. I've seen them in schizophrenic states. I've put myself in danger, I've stopped them from dying. I've told them to call the ambulance, I've talked them out of everything.
Now, one of them doesn't need me anymore. He's told me I'm not good enough - left. Just gone. Says he'll talk to me if he's not busy. Says he had a good day without me.
I love him. I love him so much. He did this before, a while back, and it was the hardest time I have ever been through. I took overdose after overdose and...I can't do it again.
Someone give me hope, and don't say he'll come back. That won't help (no offence, sorry) but I won't believe it. So don't bother.
I don't know what I will listen to - someone say something to make this better.
It is physically painful knowing he's gone. It is physically painful knowing I am not good enough even though I tried so hard, so hard to save him.
Somebody save me.
I agree with what's been said above. You have given him your everything adn you have fought so hard for him. If he doesn't see what you are doing and doesn't appreciate it or care about it, then it's not worth putting yourself on the line for him. You have done everything that you could have and that's more than most people would do.
You can't stop here and overdose. You have to fight through this. You tried to save him and now we are trying to save you. Do not let this beat you. You are worth so much more than that. Don't ever think that you're not good enough because you are. You tried so hard and he just doesn't see what you're doing, but that is in no way your fault.
I know that this probably won't make you feel better but you really need to hold on and keep fighting for yourself right now. You need to focus on keeping yourself alive. You can't stop here. You need to keep fighting.
Things will get better but you have to make it through this first. You can do this.
Stay strong and take care.
Xx
Em you gave him everything you could and there is nothing more you can ask for, nothing more you can ask of yourself. You need to be nicer on you - I know it's hard, but you've got to not blame yourself the guilt game. People make choices and they do them by themselves, you did all you could and you should be proud for the effort you can selflessly give to helping other people..
.. but it's time you took some of that and turn it on yourself.
You need to look after yourself and do anything (safe) that you can to make you feel better. You might feel within yourself that you're not good enough - but to us, (and to me personally) I think you're brilliant. I smile every single time I see you online, your signature and your avatar, your name.. you. You're a brilliant person but you can't rely on someone else to have to validate that for you, especially someone you know won't give you the response that you need.
I'm not going to give you hope by saying he'll come back - I'm going to give you hope by saying with or without him you're a damn good person. If you have to stop spending time trying to save him it just gives you more time to focus some of that on you. We can do our best to try and save you, but it has to come from within too - and I really hope you can pullthat strength out of you because you deserve so much more than this.
You need to do something that is going to positively validate you. Something that is going to make you feel like you are worthwhile again, without putting yourself through a huge amount of stress for someone who doesn't appreciate your efforts. Why not PM somebody and let them know you're thinking of them, why not make some contact with someone who needs help around here and if supporting this one person meant so much to you, support others until you can get that opinion about you again - that you are worthwhile, and that you are 100% good enough. Because I certianly believe you are.
Try and look after yourself and do something for yourself that you can enjoy, maybe something creative like write or draw, paint or listen to music. Maybe play some games in the Arcade and take some of this off your mind, but darling - don't let someone who is so ungrateful make YOU feel like less of a person, because he's not worth it.
Please try & keep yourself safe
Much love
Aimee xo
Thankyou guys - you made me smile which is pretty impressive at the moment.
Nothing has really changed, I feel lost. Confused. But you're right, I know you are, I'm going to try so hard. I'm focusing mainly on piercings, I'm getting them just for myself - to make me happy. And I'm looking forward to it intensely.
Thankyou, so so so much. I needed your replies :)
*Hugs you all*
Emma. x
