Triggering (Abuse) - Is there life beyond abuse?

[Shattered_N_Scared]

Hey all-

So here's the long & short of things.
Last summer I was in an abusive relationship where I lived in constant fear of being hit or thrown again.
That relationship has since ended and I got out of it.

However, these days I am in a relationship with a wonderful caring man. And I dont live in fear anymore...but there are still strange bouts of fright. He'll lift his hand to brush away hair from my eyes or lift my chin to give me a kiss...and I back away afriad he will hit me.

I'm not sure what to do, it arrgivates us both when I pull away...my mind just keeps flashing back into an arm raised means I will get hit.

Any advice?

-Jen

[HappyFeet]

I wish I knew what to say to help. I've found it helps to freeze (so your body can slowly learn it's not about to be hit) or notice you're having the reaction, then try to change it (slowly). I still have days when I flinch when people touch me (though I haven't figured out why), but it happens less often than it did.

Hope this helps.

[Stellata]

Can you learn to have compassion for yourself instead of/as well as being aggravated? Remember that you have been wounded, emotionally and physically, and it is natural to feel the need to protect yourself. Its instinctive.
Therapy or counselling could be a great help.
And be gentle with yourself... healing from what you've been through takes time.

[ChrisG]

Ask him to tell you, or just make it clear when he's going to touch you. You don't need to react or do anything, but it won't come as a surprise and you'll get used to the contact, over time things will change.

It could be simple things; in the examples you've given he could say-

"Your hair's in your eyes. Let me move it for you"
"Come here, I want to kiss you"

This is a natural, learned, pavlovian response to the fact that in your previous relationship you were hit so often that you now equate unexpected and sudden hand movements with being hit.

You CAN change that association given time.

[Shattered_N_Scared]

Thanks all-I'll try to work on these things.
You all have been such a great help & I'm greatful I found this place back when it was ruin your life

[Margo]

OF COURSE you are going to flinch. You have suffered trauma from this previous relationship and therefore its going to take time until you regain ALL your trust.

Its been said and i totally agree with Katie that rather than get angry give yourself some compassion. Its incredible that you are starting to trust again so soon. Thats worthy of compassion towards yourself. accept tht you get the flinches. Accept that its going to be a while till they go. But dont shout at yourself. tell yourself its ok. With each day your assurance will increase.

With a little love and time you can beat this!

Take care
Matthew xxx