Im sitting here in tears
You see I have had enough
Im in tears through a program on TV. A man singing. This man has taken on his brothers children as his brother has died through cancer. That word is mentioned and I dissolve into tears. It brings it all flooding back......yes I know what each and every one of you will say........3 years on and its time to brush it all away under the carpet...hes in remission....
I KNOW!!......but what you dont realise is I cant!!!
Its like the4 rape and my past as a child.its happened, its there.....IT WONT GO AWAY!!
The docs in hospital told me the past is the past.....well Im sorry but that is total crap......its living in me, its still there.
I DONT ASK TO CRY. I DONT ASK FOR IT ALL TO COME FLOODING BACK. I DONT ASK TO BE SITTING HERE IN TEARS!!
OH BOY!! AM I IN FOR A ROUGH JOURNEY TONIGHT!!
Back to bad habits, I have the drink back in after my hubby poured it away. He drove me to the shops as im incapable........but I had to buy it so he didnt become responsible for anything that may happen to me through drink.
Im also left to take my medication...not watched anymore. I should be responsible with it, but Im not.
My head is running riot. I am to blame for anything I do. I am responsible for anything that may happen to me........and do you know what????
I REALLY REALLY DONT CARE ANYMORE
YOUVE JUST GOT TO UNDERSTAND THAT I CANT TAKE IT ALL ANYMORE X X
I know as well as you do that things like that don't just go away. Yes he may be in remission but that doesn't mean the worry hasn't gone or the memories. Just wanted you to know you're not the only one who breaks down every time you hear that horrid word.
Wish I could say something to help or to comfort but just wanted to let you know you're not alone and if you ever want to talk I'm here. Please keep safe sweetie.
xxx
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
its strange that only those who face the fear of that word or any trauma truely understand the sheer horror of what we feel, see and fear.
Hugs and love to you and Deanna
xx
Maybe it's because we've been there, we know what it's like and the word just brings back the memories and the fear. Other people might think they know what it's like but they haven't seen and felt it first hand.
Lots of hugs and love xxx
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
ha
shes all over the place right now
pockets full of this and that
glass full of the other
oh boy is she going to have a [party right now
she can run and huide buit she gets nowhere with me
she can cry, she can call out
nothing will work though til shes done what hasd been told
AND ITS BEEN TOLD
SHE WILL DO AS SHE HAS BEEN TOLD
JUST LIKE A GOOD GIRL
rowie is still here, she's just being smothered by this monster called 'the past, the present and depression'. but something is feeding her, keeping her alive, all she needs is more space, more breathing room and like a fire she will leap back to life.
you need help to fight off this mosnter, you need an army of soldiers to come kill it, to remove it so you can live your life in peace. please love, get help. mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
oh rowie bird...
sorry i havent been around. been kinda sick.
i hope youre ok.
its 2am here which means its 8am there.
im wondering if you went to the hospital or whats going on.
i love you to pieces girly.
i'll find you somehow.
xx
Please let someone know if you're ok. Worried about you.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
