Exams. I'm going to fail. Might as well do what the voices say then.

Steel Maiden · 18-05-2008, 08:39 PM

I am a straight A student so far.
But ever since the recent crisis my brain has been re-set.
Every time I try a paper I have a panic attack because the voices laugh at me and mock me, telling me I'm going to fail.
I can't stop panicking, I am in a constant state of panic because the voices are stopping me from working.
I find that I don't remember what I read as well as I used to.

I am scared that I have somehow lost my intellect through my illness.

I might as well go and kill then because what life do I have anyway. I'm going to fail for the rest of my life. So what's the point trying to make a life for myself if I'm destined for failure? I would love to have my old brain back.

smoochy_lou · 18-05-2008, 08:44 PM

*hugs* are you having extra time in your exams? do you have any medication for the anxiety and panic attacks? please talk to your doctor if possible about this and maybe even your teachers/exam board, they're all here to help you.

take care xx

Steel Maiden · 18-05-2008, 09:33 PM

I will talk to the HTT on Tuesday about my panic.
I will be having extra time, thankfully.

Thank you for your reply. I am going to sleep now so that I can sleep this off.

Thank you.

smoochy_lou · 18-05-2008, 11:59 PM

sorry for my late reply but please take care and get in touch with me if you need to talk!! my myspace is smoochylou, msn is few_colours_short_of_a_rainbow@hotmail.com and u can pm me on here!

take care xx

alienshe_cheesycake · 19-05-2008, 10:22 AM

So sorry your feeling like this, don't let the bastards get you down!
the voices that is!

I don't really know what I can say to help but I can emphisise with you so much.
I'm supposed to be sitting my AS exams right about now but I've pretty much given up on college.

It's really depressing and I totally understand where your coming from with the voices.
I used to just have one occasional voice, which has now turned into many different voices that never shut the **** up.
Before I started on this Olanzapine I couldn't concentrate in college because all I could hear in a lesson was the voices telling me to hurt people
It was just horrible, I can totally emphisise with you, I feel like my brain has turned into mush, in January I got 3 A's in my exams, and now my head is too ****ed up to even sit them.

Couldn't you resit your exams?
I've come to the conclusion that's what I'm going to have to do
My college doesn't even know yet, I think they just think that I've quit

If I do start seeing the Early Intervention team I think they're going to sort out a meeting with the college so I can come back in September and resit my exams, couldn't you do somthing like this?

pixiedust · 19-05-2008, 10:26 AM

*hugs* I know exactly how you feel. I find it helpful to write a positive affirmation like 'I can do this' on a piece of paper and put it next to me when I have my exam. It reminds me to tell the thoughts/voices to go away. Extra time is good because then you don't have to panic as much about getting it done in time. Good luck!

hammy · 19-05-2008, 10:51 AM

know where you are all coming from. I felt exactly the same. A straight A student, A*s in most exams plus A levels.....anyway, my point is, I too fel tlike I had a brain lapse. All my friends were finishing degrees and getting into great jobs with great pay and there I was sinking into dooma nd gloom.
I reached crisis point, in and out of hospitals, scary stuff. BUT....>>Over the past year, even though I've still been in hospital, I am nearly finishing my degree in english lit!!!!!!!!!! The professors gave me work to do in my own time. I have been put on new combination of meds and for the past week I have actully been somewhat stable enough to write the essays I need to complete. If I do mannage to complete the course it will be the biggest thing ever considering how I thought my brain had turned to mush.....

As I had extra help for my degree, so you can get extra help with A levels. Perhaps have a mentor to help you through college, extra time in exams, special consideration. Mental health problems is not your fault, its an illness which needs to be treated and be given time.

What I'm trying to say is, don't give up, coz its not that your brain is no longer there, its more that your body needs time to recover. You cant just loose intelligence like that, its always there, you just need time to allow your confidence to come back. REcovery takes a long time, I know that I am still not recovered not by a long way, but the future is there.

In my opinion, everyone has intelligence. We all have our own kind of intelligence though, whether that be in the arts, in the sciences or perhaps having the ability to make friends, to listen to people, to be caring........

much love
x

Steel Maiden · 19-05-2008, 05:10 PM

Thank you all for the helpful replies. I'll take the exams and see how things go. If I do really badly, I'll resit next year.
I have to be quick because dinner is ready, but the voices were bad today and I nearly killed someone.
But I will try my best to stay strong.
You all gave me really good advice and I will implement it.
Thanks, seriously, thank you so much.

smoochy_lou · 19-05-2008, 05:12 PM

have you told anyone how strong the voices where today? please do!

take care xx

dark_light · 20-05-2008, 11:12 AM

Don't give up!
Tell htt how bad the voices and the panic are, they may be able to adjust your meds or something. But they need to know really how bad things are. Your intelligence hasn't gone its just harder to concentrate when unwell. Get the support you need and deserve and you will get your exams in the end even if you have to resit your health is the most important thing.
Take care hon, we're all cheering you on
xxxx

Steel Maiden · 20-05-2008, 07:25 PM

Thank you, really, thank you.
My intelligence has come back.
But the urge to kill is still there.

I told the HTT about my urges to kill, and they told me about the consequences. But I was already aware of the consequences. I am not stupid. If I kill someone, I will be sentenced and will serve a lengthy term in prison, coupled with everyone who knows me hating me.

But for some reason that isn't a deterrent.

Because of the schizophrenia, I don't think I have a future. If I go to uni, I will probably break down in the first week.

I don't know how to look after myself. Finances etc... its all Chinese to me (no offence to Chinese people).

I don't have a future. The summer holidays are coming up after my exams. I think I mght do something really stupid during those holidays.

I didn't take my meds last night and I told the HTT. They got all panicky and told my Mum to supervise me taking my meds every night at 8.30pm.

Sigh.

I can revise, and I've been doing a lot of work, but only because I know that after the exams I will be able to release all my urges.

Steel Maiden · 20-05-2008, 08:24 PM

Thank you Crazy Rabbit Lady, you are very helpful.
I feel a bit more confident about my exams as my brain has come back to life a bit more.
My meds are working a bit better now, but I have a feeling that repeated crises and stopping meds in the past have made my illness much more resistant to treatment.
And now I am having extremely vivid flashbacks of the 2 most recent crises.
I still hallucinate on a regular basis.
And a "violent schizophrenic" can't be good, can it.
I will try to organise something over the holidays. I might be getting training and an agency job as an auxillary nurse, I just have to organise it.
In the meantime, its exams.
Thank you for your help.
I am a bit better, bu tthe violent thoughts are very, very strong. So much so that I think I should be put under surveillance.

I walked out of the house with a knife in my pocket, ready to kill, this morning.

ThinkingofRecovery · 20-05-2008, 08:45 PM

Hi

Just want to encourage you re uni. There was a girl studying law in my year at Cambridge Uni who was schizophrenic. The uni was really helpful about it and she graduated with a 2:1. She was really successful in university societies etc but just had to take time out every now and then when meds weren't working properly or she hit a bad patch.

There is no reason why you can't be successful at uni also. Hang on in there. You sound very bright.

Good luck with your exams.

Sleepless123 · 20-05-2008, 09:22 PM

Hey i just wanted to say also from what ive seen/read also i truly think you are very intelligent and could really be a success at uni a bit like the girl described by the poster above.i really believe you could do so well.Truly.

Also i am sorry you are still getting the violent urges.That must be very upsetting for you and well done for telling the HTT about these again. Without wishing to be picky or make you talk about anything you dont want to i wondered though if youd managed to talk to the HTT not just about the thoughts/urges but also about the walking out the door with a knife in your pocket etc?It just seems that they need to know that too as maybe that is the urges progressing a bit which may be of more concern.

im sorry i hope i havent upset you and i know i dont have much useful to say.i wish i did.But i think your a really brave person.

sparkle. · 21-05-2008, 07:19 AM

I'm sorry I'm not sure what I can add but I just wanted to say please take care and try to believe in yourself re exams, don't put too much pressure on yourself but I'm sure you'll do fab.
*Cuddles* look after yourself xxx

Steel Maiden · 21-05-2008, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by no reason

Hi

Just want to encourage you re uni. There was a girl studying law in my year at Cambridge Uni who was schizophrenic. The uni was really helpful about it and she graduated with a 2:1. She was really successful in university societies etc but just had to take time out every now and then when meds weren't working properly or she hit a bad patch.

There is no reason why you can't be successful at uni also. Hang on in there. You sound very bright.

Good luck with your exams.

That's very helpful, really, thank you. I have a place in Cambridge (AAA a-levels required); if I go there, I will be staying at New Hall. I was pooled for interview, which is annoying as I get along better with men than with women. But my formteacher assures me that the pastoral care in New Hall is very good.

What lies ahead right now is my a-levels. I had a mechanics exam today which went okay I think, although I might have completely missed the point in a couple of questions and got zero points for them....

Results in August. Still got 11 exams to go.

I will keep going somehow.

Just wish I didn't feel so tired.

Steel Maiden · 21-05-2008, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy Rabbit Lady

Do you think you need to be in hospital? If you do I am SURE there are ways for you to be able to take your exams and revise whilst there. It would be safer for you and others if you were able to do that.

You have a valid point there, but it is extremely hard to get into hospital in this borough of London, and the ward for my borough is s***. Sad really.

Steel Maiden · 21-05-2008, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sleepless123

Hey i just wanted to say also from what ive seen/read also i truly think you are very intelligent and could really be a success at uni a bit like the girl described by the poster above.i really believe you could do so well.Truly.

Also i am sorry you are still getting the violent urges.That must be very upsetting for you and well done for telling the HTT about these again. Without wishing to be picky or make you talk about anything you dont want to i wondered though if youd managed to talk to the HTT not just about the thoughts/urges but also about the walking out the door with a knife in your pocket etc?It just seems that they need to know that too as maybe that is the urges progressing a bit which may be of more concern.

im sorry i hope i havent upset you and i know i dont have much useful to say.i wish i did.But i think your a really brave person.

I told the HTT in passing that I walked out with a knife in my pocket, but didn't go any further with that. I am not sure if he quite understood me, I might have said it too fast.
I still have violent urges, and I will talk about them more on Friday when they see me next.
I feel like I just want to slash someone, and the voices are encouraging me to do so.

Thank you for saying that you think I'll do well. That means a lot to me.

Steel Maiden · 21-05-2008, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iwannabreakfree

I'm sorry I'm not sure what I can add but I just wanted to say please take care and try to believe in yourself re exams, don't put too much pressure on yourself but I'm sure you'll do fab.
*Cuddles* look after yourself xxx

Thanks, I will take care of myself. I am trying to do everything possible to prevent s*** from happening. Thank you for the support, much appreciated.

Steel Maiden · 22-05-2008, 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy Rabbit Lady

I can relate to that a lot. If you think it might be something worth thinking about maybe see if your parent/s could get you sectioned because they can have a lot of power over a say like that, which would mean you being admitted somewhere (and hopefully somewhere further away than where you have been before)

My Mum doesn't want me to go to hospital because she uses me as an emotional pillar. My parents are splitting me up and she's emotionally blackmailing me, which involves "if you go to hospital again I will never visit you."

I'm going to throw all my meds away after the exams.