So I just read Romp's thread about being all positive & wanted to share
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...No joking dudes, I was calmly sat at my desk about 4.30pm yesterday & was going about my normalness, doing the telecoms’y things that I do to keep the world in communications & I actually heard my mind crack; I actually heard it snap, like a breaking bone. It was almost like watching an avalanche or a mud slide. Part of my mind stayed where it was, in the place I had been in for 6 whole days (by the way that’s an achievement in itself, for me to stay in the “just be-ing” place for that long) but the rest of it slowly started sliding down hill.
Normally, my mind doesn’t do that. Normally when I flip moods, from any state, it’s a manic, immediate, sudden, crash. & that’s it, lights out, or on as the case may be, even if it’s into mania. But this was, well… different. I knew that I was slipping. I knew that the dark place that I know so well was coming around the corner at me like a curtain falling at the end of a show. Half my mind was okay & the other half was in darkness.
It was the strangest sensation. How do I fix it? I mean, mostly I have to heave & strain & work like a frigging dog to pull myself out of a depression or work silently , constantly , focused on the battle inside my head in order to beat the urges being thrown at my mind by the rage going on under my skin, these are problems I know how to fix. These are battles I have waged & won & waged & lost so many times before its like playing space invaders, you have played this game so many times its like second nature. But this one is a new one on me. It’s never happened. Never, ever, ever.
Then I had to go for a cigarette with a friend, although he gave up smoking & I don’t know what he said, but it annoyed the crap out of me, something about pronouncing Vincent in French, lord who the frig cares! Anyway that could have made it worse. That could have tipped the remainder of my mind over the edge, that was the place I was in. Not that it would have been his fault I was just in that place, he could have told me anything & that would have had the same effect, sometimes I guess its just the sound of their voice or the fact they are even there. So I got rid of him, by putting him on the phone to my other half & then, then it suddenly clicked.
If only a piece of it has slipped. My whole brain has not yet turned to mush. So all I have to do is pick it up, brush it off & click it back into its rightful place. You know what, I sat there & actually pictured my brain as a round (ish) jigsaw with a missing piece. Imagined my self picking up the missing piece, blowing on it & giving it a wipe with my sleeve to get rid of the dust & muck & then tried to slot it back into place, at first it would not go in. I could not get it to fit in the gaping hole in my head at first, but after a few tries, you know what? It only went & slotted back in to place!!! I think maybe it had lost a few fragments when it fell, so the fit was a bit delicate at first, but after a good night sleep it seems to have fused back to together nicely.
& you know what I realised, it AC TUALLY WORKED!!! I mean real honest to god, I tried something to fix my brain & it WORKED!
I’m so excited!
I’m not green enough to think that it will work all the time, but it worked this time & could work again!
You know what this means, I might have found a way… I might have found my first coping mechanism that doesn’t involve hammers & bones!!
Goodie. *gets you a pretty bandana so you can wipe off the pieces on that instead of your sleeve*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
SOOOOO very happy for you!!! This is an INCREDIBKLE first steop hunni..it may only go up form here :o)
Oh im so proud of you for foighting so very hard and trying sooo hard to find alternatives, i thinhk you'll find it will become easier the further along you go, i did, the battles got less and less and less intense.
Oh i hope fo r you
*everything crossed*
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