Hey Amy,
I know how hard it is when everyone just assumes you are okay because you smile. They aren't right. The fact that when you have your highs you're happy doesn't mean your lows are and less real. People don't understand that though. Most people have never had to fake a smile when all they want to do it cry. But because you fake the smile, you are protecting them from what you think your being un-happy would do to them. In a way, I think they are right in thinking that this is a phase. Not in the same as terrible twos, dyeing your hair a weired color or hanging out with not so good people, but still a phase. A phase just means "a stage in a process of change or development". Isn't that what we are doing? We've develoed really crappy ways to cope. But just like anything else we have to learn from this.
Maybe your therapist is right to hold off the anti-depresants for a while. You never really know how they are going to affect you. A lot of people are on anti-depressants, but still cut. You need to decide for yourself that recovery is something you want, and put in the effort! I know it's hard. But no one said it would be easy. They just promised it'd be worth it! You aren't the only one who does it twice as bad. I'll stop for a week, then freak out and cut REALLY badly. But that's normal. Eventually you'll learn how to control those urges. You'll be able to beat this. When you're free, you'll be able to look back on all this and smile because you fought. You didn't give up. You tried your very best. And even if you mess up, you haven't failed. You only fail when you stop trying.
If you ever need to talk, PM me anytime<3
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