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Triggering (SI) - Guilty
I've stayed off Ryl for so long now.
Basically, I met the best person I have ever had the privelidge to meet here, on the chat. We echanged email addresses and got talking and became fantastically close, she was the best friend I had ever had. She understood, she knew, she loved and she cared.
But all that time I was lying. I didn't think I was good enough for her, so I did what I do every single time I meet someone. I just started spouting crap and went from there.
I told her all manner of ridiculous things, even surprised myself. And still we carried on. She helped me come to know the real 'me'. We chatted for hours on end, about things I would never dream chatting to other people about. She let me get so close and all the time I was lying.
I hate myself. How on earth could I do that to her, someone who had never done or dreamed of anything at all to do with hurting me. How dare I go and wreck her life. What right do I have to just strut in, mess everything up and then piss right off out again.
I hate myself, yet I continue to do it. We've cut each other out of the other's life. Decided it's best for the both of us if we just stop talking emailing texting all together. Then we tried again, tried to be friends. We both knew it wasn't going to work.
I carry on lying because I hate myself, and with each piece of shit that leaves my mouth, it's just one more slice away. I try to be happy, but I wonder what right I have to live after causing such pain and hurt to such an innocent person.
I don't know why I'm writing this, I suppose just to get it off my shest, cause I can;t handle keeping it to myself.
I want her to know that I am so very sorry, and I can't ever expect her to let me in again, Im not asking to be let in. But all I ask is that she knows Im so very very sorry for what I've done to her.
There's so much teeling me to just go get a blade and slice all the guillt and the shame away, but I don't think Ive got any right to feel depressed, any fright to feel down. I don't think Ive got any right to feel anything at all.
This is probably the most stupid way to communicate my message cause she's online here at ryl. And Im not trying to get in the way, im not trying to offend, my most sincere apologies if i do, believe me for once, it is not intended. I just, didin't know what to do. I am going ot stop writing now because I can't think of anything else to say.
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