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The Way Back In *might be triggering* Rant
At some point a few months ago, before Christmas, something inside me broke... my hold on reality weakened- and bad things came in... Over the course of a few months, until maybe... Jan/Feb time I battled with my personal hell.
Since Jan/Feb time, I've been gathering myself back together, putting the pieces back where they belong, trying to scorch all memory of... those few months from my mind. Sometimes, I still saw - the images, heard the voices, felt the contact, and smelt it...
It's... hard to explain- but ... since that time, I've had a tremendous phobia of mirrors, big ones, I mean- ones you could fall into... Because that was the last time I saw the girl from my personal hell...
And the point is- ever since that last time... when she was in the mirror, and I was in the bad place... (man, I sound like a complete crazy now, right?) I've felt- out of place, out of time, even more than before...
My hold on reality has always been flimsy at best- but in the good day-dreaming, imagination, vivid dreams and stuff... but now I just feel like- like when I spoke to... her through the mirror, we swapped places...
Because this doesn't feel like me- I don't look like me, I don't act like me... I don't- I'm not me. And I can't get back, I can't get rid of her and mirrors and dark places and- there's no exit, because this's where I belong now- she was the better part of me- and now she's me- and I'm her- I'm the one who fell. I'm the one who screwed with her head-
But I'm the bloody victim here! She's the one who screwed around with me- so why...
Sh*t... I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. It's just not right nothing is right- it's all wrong, all out of place- the wrong way around. There's no doors, no windows- only the mirrors and the words and the smell.
So why can't I get back? She forgave me - she protected me - and I... I tried as hard as I could... So what did I do wrong? Why can't I get back?
....sorry- I just- kinda had to get it all out of my system- I've already seen doctors for it, three, actually- and they all tell me it's just... standard hallucinations, because I wasn't calling the police saying there was a girl in my mirror!
I'm lost. Like she pushed me out in the dark somewhere and left me here- and I have no clue how to get back.
I just... I want the world to stop moving- I want things to be where they're supposed to be- so maybe I can find my way back and get rid of whatever's screwing with me now.
For as long as I can remember, I've seen things- especially when I was younger, or I've heard things, or... I've woken up in dreams- and then woken to reality- but ....have I? Hell, how do I know!
How do I know- when my dreams feel more real than this?! Just give me some ground to fight from, I need to be solid and strong or I can't fight this off again. I need to be like I was a few months ago- I fought it off then- but I can't get my bearings because of this stupid mental vertigo!
sorry for ranting... I just had to get this out of me- like I said earlier. Sorry.
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