It's understandably going to be hard for you to deal with this, rapes are undoubtedly traumatic and going to trial would be very difficult, on many emotional points.
However; you said yourself that you have "an obligation to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else", but what if you changed the word to "privilege"? You know you'd be doing something good by going to the trial, you'd be giving this person what he deserves. What happened to you you did not deserve at all, but what might happened to him -some sort of punishment- he does deserve. You might even be protecting other people from going through this temselves, how do you think that would feel?
Going to trial would be quite hard, but I don't think it would be impossible of you. Even though I don't know you too well, from what I do know of you you're very strong - and afterall look at where you are? There's a lot of successes under your belt and you've delt with a lot already.
I can't tell you what to do, I think that decision has to come from within you. However, sometimes we have to do hard things because they are right, and I personally think that even tough it would be very hard to go to trial, you could do it. You would not only have all of our support behind you - but you'd also have the support of people around you.
Are you speaking to a counsellor or therapist? They would be able to support you through this process too, and if you're still unsure - help you to make a decision. They could help you through the trial and help you to control your emotions a bit - if it's an outburt you are worried about.
It's perfectly reasonable to not want anything to do with it anymore - it was a horrible experience for you, but, maybe going to trial and getting some justice would help you to get closure, and to move on?
Even if you do have some sort of "ourburst" when in trial, I don't think it will be as "embarassing" as you think. It's traumatic; and anybody who mocks you for having an outburst of any sort is a dickwad whos opinion doesn't count.
How do you think you would feel - after the trial? Would you feel relief? What do you think this feeling would compare with if you didn't go to trial?
It really comes down to what you are feeling about this whole thing, and that will guide you in the right direction. Yes; it's certianly going to be hard and scary.. but you won't be alone, people will know what you're going through (roughly, even) and can be there to help you through it.
Maybe spend some time thinking about your feelings towards this, before and after in each case - and that might help you to see what it is you want to do.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, and yes, it would be really hard for you to go to trial. I can't really add a lot to what Aimee said, and I can't tell you what to do, that's your decision, no-one else's. How do you think you would feel is you dropped it all now? It might be easier, in a way. But it doesn't mean it's just going to go away. It's still going to be there, the flashbacks probably won't just stop, and do you think you might regret it at some point in the future? The only person you have an obligation to is you. But maybe it would help you to do this, and know that you've done all you can to get him what he deserves.
Whatever you do is up to you. I'm not trying to pressure you to do anything, I really can't imagine how scary it would be. But I really think, that if you do decide to go through with it, you can do this. You've come this far, that takes a lot of strength already. Like Aimee, said even if you did have some sort of 'outburst', it might not be as bad as you think. It would be completely understandable, and I really don't think that anyone would judge you for it.
Whatever you decide, I hope things start to improve for you. Do you have any kind of support, like a counsellor or anything? I'm sorry your friend isn't 'taking sides', even though you can understand it, it must be pretty hard. Doesn't mean that she doesn't care, or anything, though. Is there anyone else you can turn to, friends family? I'm sorry I couldn't be more useful, but take care of yourself, and I'm here if you need to talk or anything.
Im so sorry you had to go through that, it must be so hard trying to decide what to do about it.
Im not very good with words, and the other two have given really good replys. We cant really say what you should do, we werent there, we dont know how you are feeling.
The detective isnt even sure if any of the men are the one that hurt you, I know if it was me I would go back, look at the pictures and talk to the detective. I dont think I could leave it at that point.
Saying that, going and looking at the pictures doesnt lead straight to a trial, talking to him and seeing those pictures might help you decide what you want to do about it, whether you take it further or not.
I think you need to think really carefully before you decide, you need to decide whether you are going to be able to cope in the future after leaving it at that point. Make sure you do what is right for you.
Hope that makes sense, take care of yourself.
Aimee xx
I don't have much advice to give and all that, but I do understand the feeling of wanting it all to be over and just to move on all too well.
That's just what I did. And, now, I regret it. A lot. True, it's more or less a totally different situation, but would you regret it in a year, five years, ten years? Would that be what haunts you, rather than the actual event?
Also, going to court could get you some kind of closure, as already said.
Marvin, I wish I could just pick you up from wherever you are right now and give you the biggest hug in the whole entire universe. Clicking a stupid button makes no difference, and I can imagine a sincere hug would do wonders right now. I want to be able to make everything okay, to give you the right answers so that you can fix this horrible situation but, I can't. I'm sorry for that, but I'll share with you what it was like for me and - fingers crossed - it might help you to make your decision.
I was raped nearly two years ago now but, unfortunately, I didn't have a choice whether I wanted to pursue the case because I was under age and, regardless of whether it was consensual or not, they wanted to get the two blokes so that they could at least put them on the sex offenders register. The authorities wanted to press charges and, because I was a minor, I had no choice but to do exactly what they said. To be honest, having to go through that was probably worse than the rape itself and that's saying something, right?
What I found the worst thing to be, was having to go through what happened that night in minute detail over and over again. It was having to know that, even after they found the two men (although, I use that term very lightly indeed!), it was my word against theirs and I knew that not everyone believed me. There was also the fear over the trial, having it splashed all over the papers, despite the fact they weren't allowed to publish my name; it really was awful, and part of me wishes that I'd never told anyone. If I had kept it to myself, I wouldn't have been put through that and I hold so much resentment toward the people who forced me through it.
But, on the flip side, they were prosecuted. They have their names on the sex offenders register and, for a long time, they'll have that against their name in an attempt to prevent them from doing the same to someone else. It won't always stop them and many sex offenders repeatedly offend in the same way, but at least I did something - albeit, unwillingly at times - to stop them; they'll find getting jobs difficult, and eventually it'll get around and people will be wary of them. They'll live with what they did that night as a reminder and hopefully it'll stop them from making the same mistake again. Maybe it won't. Maybe it was all a complete waste of time; I really don't know and, if I'm honest, it's really difficult to excuse what happened and the trauma it caused me on top of the rape, to say that "at least it won't happen to other girls" when, no one can make that type of assurance.
At the end of the day, you have to make the right choice for you. You've been through something absolutely terrible and no one is going to think badly of you if you decide that continuing the case isn't what you want to do; you need to take care of you, put yourself first for once and allow yourself the time and space to begin to heal from the ordeal you've been through. Will going to Portland and pursuing the case prevent you from being able to close the door and put this behind you? Is it just going to cause you more problems? Or is continuing the case, having the perpetrator prosecuted, what you need to gain some sort-of closure on what happened? Only you can answer those questions. Just bear in mind that this is your life and you have the control to deal with this situation as you want to, and not the way someone else would want you to. If you pursue the case, do it for you and what you're going to gain through doing so and not because you think it's the right thing, and what others would expect. You're the most important person here, and you don't have to put yourself through that if you'd much rather try to put this in the past and, as I said, begin to heal from the traumatic experience you've been through.
I'm sorry this is a little jumbled, unorganised and generally a pile of useless crap but I don't know how to organise my own thoughts on this. I want to portray an unbiased view of the situation but it's difficult, and I don't want anything that I've said to stop you doing what you originally planned to do. You need to make your own choice, but sometimes seeing the reality and hearing things from someone who's been through something similar can help to offer a different perspective on the situation. However, I am here any time you need to talk; whether about this, or something else. If you need a friend, I'm here - please, please take care of yourself. *cuddles gently*
You have wonderful replies already but I wanted to attempt to help.
I am sorry you had to deal with all this, what happened is terrible. I wish you all the strength in the world to help you through this time. I do know how tough it is to deal with a rape, although I never told anyone or aknowledged mine. I couldn't even imagine what it feels like. I am so sorry you are having to relive everything, but it is a good thing, so he won't do this again or to someone else! Are you seeing a therapist or a counselor to help you deal with this traumatic experience - that sounded texted bookie...sorry!!! I didn't mean to. If you are how is that going? If your not have you thought about seeing one? It might help you when you had to relive everything all over again. I know you can beat him. You are so incredibly strong please believe me! If you need to talk about anything please don't hesitate to pm me sweetie.
Can they just email you the pictures to see if you recognise any of them instead of going up there? It might help you sleep better at night knowing that the creep didnt get off scott free. even if you dont recognise the guy, at least you tried.. I cant imagine how hard it would be to have this brought up every time they try and find the guy and press charges.
*hugs*
whatever decision you make, we'll be behind you, its hard to do either one.
-brian
'in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'
You have had such wonderful replies already but here is my 2 pence!
What you went through was awful and something no-one should ever have to go through.
It sound's like you need some sort of closure from this and I know that is far easier to write and a lot harder to achieve but maybe you should consider whether a trial will give you closure. Only you will know the answer and only you will be able to make the decision but if it will give you an ending then that is a start right.
You have had a number of personal experience's given above and they give both side's of the story. Maybe one though is more how you perceive it than the other?
You talk about having an outburst and how embarasing it would be but you know something the only person to be embarased should be the one who did this to you. In England (I think) people can (circumstances dependant) give there evidence through video link and don't have to be present in court, maybe there is something like this in America that you could use?
The only obligation you have is to look after yourself and if that mean's leaving it firmly in the past so be it and equally if it mean's taking him to court and letting him get his just desert so be it.
look after you always
Camilla
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
Hunny *cuddles*
I cant really add anything to whats been said.... but i wanted you to know i was thinking of you an i hope you come to the decision thats right for u
“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.”
----
Remember you can stop the call at anytime.
Don't do anything you don't want to do and lastly look after yourself alway's.
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
*hugs* Mandy, I cant understand how hard this must be for you. Its soo hard to face up to stuff, and you have to look after your own best interests. Your so strong to have gotten through this so far, hang in there and were behind you no matter your decision.
-brian
'in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'
I'm not sure there's anything I can add to what's already been said, but please know that we are here for you and want to help.
I hope all goes well as you try to speak with him on the phone. I can imagine that that would be a very, very difficult thing to do. You have our love and support.
He finally called back, and he wants me to call my friend and ask her for his number so I can give the detective his number so he can arrest him. He also said if it was too traumatic I didn't have to... And he also said 90% of rape cases don't go to court because evidence overcomes the innocent plea, and they get a plea bargain etc. So... I don't know what to do.
*hugs* I cant imagine how hard this must be on you right now. I hope they catch this guy and put him away for a while. But you gotta look after your own self interest, if its too much to take now, then drop it. But if what the detective said is true, then if you tell him the number, and if your friend then gives the detective the number of the guy, then you have a 90% chance of not having to go to court, which would make it alittle easier... Anyway, were behind you, we care about you here, you'll pull through this.
hang in there Mandy
-brian
'in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'
'in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'
