Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Feeling awful again (long)

[lizzy]

Hi everyone
I haven't posted in a long time, I'm sorry... I had been ok for a long time but, as we all know feelings can return and i remember how supportive everyone was last time so here i am... if you want me to make another intro post let me know

Things had been going ok until me and my boyfriend split up 3 weeks ago, on april 15, we hadn't been getting on for a long time, but when we split up i didn't expect to feel so awful, I still do, we'd been together nearly 3 years. i was 17 when we got together, and now I'll be 21 in august, I remember the person I was the last time i was single and i don't like it at all. it feels wrong and I feel very lost
His sister who i had become quite close to over the course of our relationship, had asked me to be her bridesmaid a year ago for her wedding next month, obviously we split up, she didn't want me to be her bridesmaid anymore but she didn't tell me, left it to my now ex boyfriend to tell me about it.... then she got another of her sisters' boyfriends who i don't know to call me to try and cover for her basically i was already feeling low after the break up and its not that I minded not being her bridesmaid but the way she handled it.. basically i was cut off, shut off further
A couple of days after that happened my gerbil died, i don't know how many of you have had pets that they were close to but he was very sick when he was a baby and when he died i felt even worse
i'm ashamed to say I stopped eating properly for ages and even now I can't bring myself to make a proper meal, it's gotten to the point where my housemates have had to cook for me sometimes because otherwise i just wouldn't eat

This week i found out that my best friend has been spreading rumours or something, basically suggesting that my now ex should get together with a mutual friend that I used to be close with until she started making moves on him, I can't believe she would do this. she didn't call me or anything when we split up and now she's joking around with our group of friends saying they should get together now??
I don't live with my parents anymore but I went to their house earlier this week and saw our cat Twinkle who is 15 this year, she is diabetic, partially blind we think now and not doing very well at all, she doesn't eat all her food and you need to sit with her and keep encouraging her to eat. She seems to have lost the ability to purr and doesn't seem to remember who i am which is so awful :(
yesterday I had an science exam and i'm a private GCSE candidate so it's taken an awful long time to sort out and i was stressing about that because I really need this qualification, I also have assignments due in soon and 6 more exams

anyway needless to say it's all sent me rather over the edge and i've started SIing again. it was on monday and i can't really remember what happened, it was a bit of a blur and i was really panicking for ages. I missed the rush though it's crazy. today I really wanted to do it again but instead i drew red marks all over my stomach where no one can see but it's not quite the same is it? Its actually sunny enough to wear short sleeves for once here so i've told everyone the marks are from the cat. and for the first time in a long time I seem to have lost the will to be here, I don't see a reason to be, it feels like I'm losing or have lost the people and things that are the most important to me and I keep thinking that it's all my fault, that I deserve it and i shouldn't be in this world anyway. I have no idea what to do. I can't seem to sleep because my whole body and head hurts but then I never want to wake up again so I'm always so tired.

sorry this is so long, thank you if you read all of it... I just don't have anyone else to talk to really
I wasn't really sure how triggering this was so I labelled it anyway just to be on the safe side.

[broken spirit]

You know, you're pretty tough, to deal with all that.
I know you must be going through some terrible heartbreak... I can't imagine how you feel, a break up after three years. I know that feeling heartbroken is probably one of the worst feelings in the world... especially when you have someone act like your ex's sister did. Even though she probably felt very awkward about the situation, I'm sure she could've done things differently. Have you talked to your best friend to confirm everything? It could just be some miscommunication issues.
I'm so sorry you got so hurt with everything.

Don't be ashamed about your eating habits--- when you already don't feel well, you latch on to other things, like your gerbil. For him to pass away when you're already upset, I know that can be terrible. My horse died about two years ago, he was the reason I was able to make it through a mental hospital and want to get better. My horse had a neurological disorder (which the "official" owners didn't tell me about) and he had to be put down. I'm so sorry for your loss...
And with your cat, Twinkie... there's always hope. I have a 17 year old dog who has had run-ins like that in the last few years... I would spend hours with a medicine dropper giving him little sips of water. He's still truckin along. Is there anything the vet can do for her?

Thats good that you're able to do an alternative to cutting. Try to keep that up. I know its hard, I know you probably just want to go into a corner and not talk to anyone again, but that's what we're here for. We're all here to support you. What has happened is not your fault... please take care of yourself. PM me anytime. I live in the USA, so depending on where you live and how the time zones match up, I may not answer immediately, but I definitely will the next time I log on.
*hugs* take care

[BoundNoMore]

(((hugs))) Lizzy.
We are here for you.