Triggering (SI/Suicide) - the end of an era

Wonderland. · 07-05-2008, 05:25 PM

why does everything good have to end.

i only have a day & half of my school left ever.
i am absolutely terrified.
school is where i feel safe.
i always dread holidays even long weekends were bad.
i cant cope at home.
what will i do?
i nearly died last time we had two weeks off from school.
i nearly tried to kill myself.
&& that was just two weeks ive got more than two months.
OMG *cries*
i wont get any support.
i cant rely on my year leader to get me through the day.
i cant rely on my orange attendance report card to make me go all my lessons.
CAMHS will have finished by then...not that it has helped anyway.
it will just be me and what i hate most my family.
everything positive like having a reason to get up in the morning will just vanish. i probably wont even make it to half my exams.
im so scared.
i will end up cutting more and more.
and feel even darker than i already do.

sorry for the long post.
i feel so useless.

amy x

Lost-Odd-Sock · 07-05-2008, 05:30 PM

I felt like that when I left school summer holidays were so awful, but there are things out there to help, focus on what you love doing most outside school and dedicte your time to it...

do you like reading or writing or painting??

sorry I'm never much help

PM me if you need

xxx

Relentlessrockstar1986 · 07-05-2008, 06:26 PM

If you want another set, scheduled environment, why not try a part-time job? That way you're out of the house. Or try things like going to your library and seeing if there's any clubs and stuff, they're good for interaction and maybe even support, depending on the type.
Just stay positive doll and think about those things you like doing, like what Peanut said, and try to keep yourself busy so you don't have time to think.

Another thing, why not plan to meet your school buddies during the holidays? Go see a movie or go out for lunch or something, it might help. :)

<3 Take care hun.

Queer Fringe · 07-05-2008, 06:47 PM

I know excactly how that feels hun and I really don't know what to say...I'm so sorry though because I know what it's like...

gosh I wish I could help...xx

so_confused · 07-05-2008, 07:08 PM

Its really good that you enjoyed school. Most people hated school. I did, but that was because I was badly bullied. But yeah as vainradical said, try get a part time job. Im studying (trying) animals atm an online course. Animals are quite theraputic. What about working with animals? At some kennels or a animal rescue center? Or do what Im doing, an online course? Theres loads. Go to http://www.nationalhomestudy.co.uk/welcome.htm and have a look. Hopeyour ok!
Sian xxx

Wonderland. · 08-05-2008, 04:45 PM

i had my last proper day of lessons its wierd i feel dead excited but really sad at the same time its horrible. after tomorrow there will be no routine to my life i need structure. i wanna cut so bad. i wanna hack my whole arm off. im excited for college but why do i have to have hols in between i hate them so bad they should be banned. or maybe i should be banned i wish i could live somewhere else.

ERADicator · 08-05-2008, 04:52 PM

I've come to hate holidays and weekends too because college is the place where I see my friends.

You can still have a routine: get up at a certain time, make a list of things to do in the day and do them and go to bed at a certain time. I've started doing that this year and I feel more relaxed because I get things done.

so_confused · 08-05-2008, 05:10 PM

Yeah, make a list of things to do the night before and you wont have time to think about cutting... xxx

nikki1922 · 09-05-2008, 12:28 AM

I know how how to feel. I rmeber going on holidays for christmas i couldn't handle it. And theres about 5 weeks left of school and two months of holidays not to sure how i am going to handle it yet. School keeps most of mind on doing something instead of other thoughts! Sorry not much support coming from me but i know ur not alone with this !1 I took this from your signuture: Keep reading it , if it helps ! Stay safe k ! Pm me anytime

:) Theres always hope.
Take everyday as it comes
Keep holding on.

Wonderland. · 09-05-2008, 02:32 PM

its all gone now like my life has just been washed away i feel so empty.
no more school except exams.
i didnt wanna let go i didnt wanna leave but they closed the school gates so i had to. i already miss it and ive only been gone two hours.
its probably the end of me and Natalie i thought there was hope for us two while we still had to do stuff with each other...i just wanted to say bye to her so bad and now shes gone.
one of my heads of year...what a ledge told me that she'll always be there for me even when im gone. i'll have to go back in and say thank you to all the teachers who have supported me through the hard times this year.
they are such amazing people who stuck by me when i made mistakes and were always there for me. thats what i'll miss the most.

Wonderland. · 09-05-2008, 04:38 PM

i feel like a part of me has just been ripped out. like i cant function properly because not all the pices are there. school is a part of who i am i dont want to lose taht. nats also a part of who i am i cant be the real me without her. i wish she understanded and could cope with the whole SI thing. it hurts so bad.
*cries and reaches out for a hug*

amy x

Steel Maiden · 09-05-2008, 07:07 PM

I'm leaving school next month to hopefully go to uni, so I can understand. My school has helped me through **** and back.
I'm going to distract myself during the "holidays" by getting a temporary job, and by involivng myself more in my local running club, and the cub scouts group I help run. I will also teach myself some computer programming languages.
Man what am I talking about? I'll go crazy.
You need to occupy yourself as much as possible during the holidays.
But I understand you well, as I can see myself ending up sectioned during the upcoming "holidays". And if I don't get four A's in my a-levels. ****.
Ok I was not helpful.

mesmerized. · 09-05-2008, 10:21 PM

Hey Amy,

I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible about it all. I do sort of understand what you mean. My last day of school was yesterday and although if I'm honest, I'm not especially sorry to be leaving that place, I'm also not particularly good with holidays. It honestly does help if you try to keep busy, though. Try to concentrate on revising for your exams at the moment - I find it helps to get out of the house and go to the library or something. Like everyone else has said, try to get a job if you can or at least keep yourself occupied by taking up a hobby or organising things with your friends.

It must be hard if you see school as part of your identity but maybe just try to think about all the things that have been good about it, and remember that they always will be part of you and the good memories will be there, even though you've left. If you have photos of your school and people from there, maybe do something positive with them, like make a scrapbook. And if you keep in touch with people from school, and with the teacher who said you should, then you won't lose it completely. Even though it hurts to be leaving something good behind, don't let it bother you to the extent that it spoils everything you have to look forward to. Okay, so you're moving on to a new stage and it's scary, but it's also the opportunity for a lot more good things to happen.

I'm sorry, I know that none of this really helps right now. But just know that it'll get easier, you'll get through it, and in the meantime we're all here for you. PM me if you need to rant at someone or anything. And take care of yourself. I hope your holidays aren't as bad as you expect.

Hannah xo