repetition

[flying rain]

Argh.

I just changed my mood status on here from "anxious" to "depressed". Seems like that's the only two major moods I have. I might change it again to "lonely". I'm just pathetic.

People won't like me. I'm not going to make any more friends here at school. I need to just focus on schoolwork. It doesn't matter that people don't like me. I have to get the **** over that. It doesn't matter that I don't know how to interact properly with people. Or that I still don't know who I am. Because who we are is largely defined by what we do and who we hang around with. I already severed my tie to the person who loved me most. Probably the only person who really loved me and understood me. And now here I am complaining about being lonely. It's my fault. I'm not going to find somebody better. I don't deserve anybody better. I shouldn't be thinking about finding anybody. I should be focusing on schoolwork only. Because every time I talk to people I **** up. I either say too much or I can't think of what to say at all, and so I stay quiet.

I hate myself. So it stands to follow that people will hate me too. I wish I could find somebody else who knows what this is like. Walking into a classroom or cafeteria or hall and not just thinking but feeling like everyone else is on edge because of you. "There's that creepy girl with the strange hair." "Wow, she looks disgusting" "She doesn't talk in class at all". "She probably needs professional help or something" "I feel so bad for her" I know they don't say those things to me or even to themselves, but they are thinking them. There's a wave that most people are on. The normal wave. You walk up to somebody and say hello to people that are on the normal wave. You want to get to know people there. Those people are decent looking, calm, confident (or good at acting confident). People want to know these people. It's a huge demographic, but I've never been there. I'm the outcast, the strange one. The one they pity, and hate all at the same time. No one else around me knows how that feels. I try to put myself on the normal level, step up on the ledge--but I always fall back to here.

The only way I've been getting through nights has been by imagining somebody to hug. I know that's pathetic and disgusting. I know. But I need somebody. Once you've had someone who loved you and who would hug you as often as you wanted, not having that is doubly as hard as before.

I talked to my mom. She said if I needed to check myself in somewhere she'd keep it secret from my dad. I think she'd even let me take a term off to do it if I had to. I have an out, sort of. I've thought about it. I'm going to keep thinking about it. Maybe it would do some good.

I've accepted that I'm not going to have a good college experience. I've accepted that I'm probably going to be alone the rest of the year and the summer. I can't accept that I'll be alone forever. But that's probably what's going to happen. I should get used to the idea.

[Sugar and Spice]

*hugs*
I am so sorry that you feel like this. You are not destined to be alone forever. You've let someone in before and they loved you. This shows that you are loveable and that your people skills aren't bad enough to put everyone off knowing.

Who we are has very very little to do with who we hang around with. You can be a kind-hearted and loving being but be friends with a real sh*t of a bully. This does not make you a bully. This does not make you bad. Equally, you could be cruel and mean but be friends with someone as patient as a saint. This does not stop you from being cruel or mean. Who we are is better defined by what we feel in our hearts and how we treat the people around us.

Regardless of what you think, it is not true that just because you hate yourself, others will hate you too. You may be the odd one out (so to speak) at the moment, but that does not mean that you are forever going to be stuck with that label. After school (possibly college too), you will be better able to shrug off this label and begin afresh with new people. You can find someone to love, hug and kiss whenever you want. Just keep yourself open to the possibility. I know that it is hard to do. But don't convince yourself that there is no hope. There is always hope and you have the benefit of it being a feasible goal.

If you were going to, what type of place would you get checked into? How do you feel it would help?

I hope you are alright x

[irkeninvader]

It's good that your mum is being so supportive of you. I understand how you feel. I get so paranoid about putting other people on edge just by being there, sometimes I wish I never had to see another person again! As for getting through the nights by imagining having someone to hug - I used to hug my pillow to stop myself feeling so lonely.

It won't last forever. You'll find someone you really click with and no matter how you feel about yourself, they will like you. I know it's hard right now but it will get better. If you think your mum's suggestion of taking a term out and getting some help will be good for you then do it. It might give you that extra bit of confidence in yourself.

[blondiebear]

I've found that as I've grown older, that is relative since I'm 41, that I've sort of grown into my personality. As I continue to work on myself in therapy and in AA, i've become the person I wanted to be. I'm not there yet but I'm trying. It isn't about external things either. I'm fat, no argument to fuss just fact. I dress like I'd rather be hiking. I'm not doing the career that I got a masters degree to do. Instead, I'm helpful and reliable and able to solve problems. You will find yourself understanding that too. Most of the women in the U.S. are cute, they bloom when they are in their teens and twenties but once that time is over, they fade. Here at RYL we are the kind of people who are bloom late but we don't fade quickly if at all, the beauty of who we are stays with us for the rest of our lives. Because it comes from inside us.

When I was a kid I wished I'd been able to share my bed with a sister, I was that lonely. Now snuggling with my husband is my favorite part of the day.

Something I've heard that helps, don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.

Take time and grow into who you want to be. It isn't easy. Believe me it isn't. I've been having terror tantrums this week. When you've started to be who you want to be you will attract as friends and as a mate, the people who are as good and as beautiful as you are. There aren't a lot of us out there but when we find each other we make fast friendships and good marriages because it isn't about the outsides.

I hope this didn't sound like a lecture from a clueless mother. I've been where you are, done that, still think I should get a red lip makeup pencil and write "insecure" across my forehead. I have some good friendships and I've been blessed to not fall in love with my husband but to grow in love with him.

If nothing else, sending you lots of cuddles!

[Margo]

"I hate myself. So it stands to follow that people will hate me too"


Oooh i have to correct you on that! I can imagine that many many people here hate themselves. I hate myself immensly and yet there are people who love me. I may not quite know how to "feel" it, but they tell me so i guess "intellectually" its true.

I know lots of people on here that hate themselves also. I love them dearly. They may not believe me but i do.

I cannot see a single reason why you would not be the same as eithe rme or the others. so therefore i refuse to believe that because you hate yourself others will follow so ner-ner-ner-ner *sticks tongue out at you*

As for the hair.....meh. I bet some think its cool. however your whole focus is on discovering negatives to prove your theories right so i believe you will only see those that look frowningly upon it.

Personally i hate "normal". I like freaky. I like quirky and different. Most of those that dont like it, fear it because they dont understand it because they are so hung up on conforming and too afraid to cross the line.

*rubs you with cream crackers and hands you a mole to lick*

Erm careful with the mole. He bites!

xxx

[chocostashchick]

there is no normal
the "normal" people in the world are just like average or in the middle on the spectrum of human life although honestly most people fall into the rest of the spectrum rather than the middle of it
and college much more than high school is when you start to figure it out and at least at my college the unique people were MORE popular
because college is so experimental, you know?
anyway, attitude is everything, so turn that frown upside down like they say on afterschool specials because if you believe only the bad then it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and only the bad will come true

you should update us and tell us how things go and i hope you are doing better
your mom sounds cool by the way, but i am sorry you would have to hide things from your dad - that's hard
xxxooo callie