Meladromatic, i know...I'm tired, and feeling pretty pathetic, so I hope you'll forgive me for the time being...
I read this from some site or another, and I realised I relate...in a weird kind fo way...
Like, i need to feel something profound, be occupied with something profound constantly, to feel alive, and or wanted/needed, worth antyhing.
Does anyone feel like, the moment you sort of realise you've become happier, more competent at dealing with any problems or how to manage how you are, you freak out inside.
It scares me so much to feel good in a weird way. Like, when I stop thinking ver all the bad things, let myself go, it's like there's nothing there when I look back. I'm nothing, I've done nothing, achieved nothing, am worthless when I'm not doing or feeling anything ...I don't know...worthwile...
When I try and be happy, half the time I feel so empty and worthless I can't bare it.
It's like I have absolutley nothing to fill this thing except pain.
One of the only other things, other than pain that seem to keep me occupied enough not to start shing is when I can loose myself in a realtionship mentally for a long while (years at a time) - I know it's not real, but can go to that place with whoever it is, instead of the negative place at least a little -, yet when I come out of it...the...nothingness, the bordome...it kind of hits me in the face. It was there, but...I could distract myself...
i guess it's just another form of feeling something strong./..or thinking about something so profound or complex or challenging it send me reeling.
here's no chance of me letting myself be with anyone ever...
I was just wondering if someone else related at all... or had advice for finding ways to occupy myself without feeling like an utter worthless failure at life...?
It's almost lonliness...more than anything...When I'm with people, and am okay, it's okay for a time, but then I start to miss the pain, then really miss it, untill it's all I can think about. Plus I go to a family which barley talks when we're not together (watching the occasional movie, meals), or doing something important.
If I could be with someone, I'm almost certain I'd be fine, but I'm far too scared, and reactive of/too intimacy to be withsomeone longer than a month without screwing us both up for the next fifty years.
I need to need something; strive for it. Without that conflict, and pain, and something to consume me, I'm worthless, empty.
Sorry if this is in the wrong section or whateve...
Last edited by Nicholas : 05-05-2008 at 10:13 PM.
This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight
And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind
The waters turn from blue to red
As towards the sky I offer it
hey sweetpea, i can relate to some extent what you mean, maybe you could put all your energies into helping others? itsnot pathetic at all darling, jsut know that you are loved and cared for.
I know this may not have been as useful as it could have been or perhaps what you are looking for but please keep trying sweetie, jsut keep on going, everything will work out one day.
wow thats pretty deep thinkn.
u cnt force yourself to be happy,
u need to work at it and fill your lie with things that will make you happy.
sorry that my post is useless xxx
I can really relate. The emptiness. Defining yourself and filling your mind with pain, just to feel something. Because we think that suffering has some deeper meaning. I'm not really sure if I have any good advice. I think if I did, I wouldn't be here. Actually, helping people out on here, and in real life, makes me feel meaningful. Like there might be a reason for existing, if we can make other peoples' lives even a tiny bit better. x
Blessed Be, x Pip
"Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful that it happens in that order."
adopted by surprising mystery loves [prettyontheinside]
Small_Black_Flower is my sister
I got carried away and wrote a page and a half of waffle and introspection...
Here's the revised edition:
Thanks for the replies guys, to feel like someone relates is very...relaxing.
"we think that suffering has some deeper meaning" Haha, I can definatley relate to that. I am what I feel and I feel what I am. If I'm not feeling something profound, I'm not profound, If I don't feel this way, I'm not this way.
It's taken me a while to realize how much I care about people, how easily I get stressed and so on. If it's not right there, I can't tell it's there or believe I'm capable, or even remember I've ever felt that way.
It took severe amounts of anxiety surrounding certain people for me to realize the former.
I get what you mean about helping people, helping. You don't have to think about yourself, you can focus on making them happy, and it kind of...channels through you. Like living someone elses emotions.
I find it hard to accept my own feelings, and instead, find it easy to channel emotions, much in the same way as an actor does; become that feeling or person, and start to believe it. I can 'feel' just about anything I want, and think it's how I am.
I have a bad memory, one that goes blank when thinking and facing how i really feel and often how I 'feel'.
A case of not being able to face my real feelings - I don't know why -, but feeling that feelings are the most important thing in the world.
A lost...almost bleak contradiction...
One big shade of gray that fades to nothing.
Even my mothere's at a bit of a loss as to who I am, and she's very perceptive - a serious empath -, she just says I've a very light side and a very dark side, and that I know what I like - which strongly relates to which feelings I embody - It's like a vehement sense of 'right' and 'wrong', where right and wrong are more to do with weather what ever it is makes me feel good or bad, not morals.
Sorry, I went off on one again.
This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight
And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind
The waters turn from blue to red
As towards the sky I offer it
Hm. You sound kind of like me. I know what I like, I know what's right. It's just that, if my mood changes, then what I like changes too. It confuses the Hell outta peaople. I relate it to my (probable) BPD. Not saying that you have BPD or anything. Anyway. I'm glad you can express your feelings now and I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. Just general good wishes, and thanks for writing that, becasue it makes me feel less alone too. x
Blessed Be, x Pip
"Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful that it happens in that order."
adopted by surprising mystery loves [prettyontheinside]
Small_Black_Flower is my sister
