Triggering (OD) - Death metal to beat the voices...

[Steel Maiden]

The People and the voices are attacking. I'm listening to death metal, trying to block them out. Feel hungry but don't want to leave this room to eat. Mind going at 500 miles per hour.
Overdose overdose overdose they're going. Bottle of pills is approximately one metre away from me.
I'm supposed to be revising but my mind is shredded.
I don't know how much more of the voices, the People, and the crowding I have in my head from so many people inside it. The People are accessing my consciousness, they're watching me type this through my eyes. They're telling me to overdose on a certain prescription medication I have in my rucksack. The prescription meds are very dangerous to overdose on and its not hard to take a lethal dose.
I don't want to overdose, but the People are telling me that if I don't overdose, they will make me kill somebody.
I can't tell the Home Treatment Team about this when they see me in half an hour because I'm supposed to be "getting better". I can't spoil it for them.
I want to drink loads of alcohol. My Mum has a bottle of 80% proof downstairs. Probably tastes disgusting but I want it for the effects.
I have my first a-level in 16 days. I am f***ed.
My mind HURTS. My mind is SCREAMING in PAIN.
I really honestly don't know what to do.
Am I treatment-resistant? Will I be like this for the rest of my f***ing life?

[zowie]

Hi. I know what you're going through, and wanted to remind you of your own advice in my thread. Try to tell them that they can't control you, that you don't need them. Just keep fighting.
And I think you need to tell the CRHT when they come over. Don't worry about 'supposed to be getting better'. If you're not getting better you need someone to turn to.
Hope I helped in some way xxx

[dark_light]

The HTT are there for you, you need to tell them whats going on and not worry about whether you should be 'getting better'. They would rather know now than if you end up doing something because of all this stress.
I guess you have seen them now, how was it?
Please try and put the meds somewhere safe, od is not the answer. I don't want you to hurt yourself and nor does anybody else here. Keep distracting, music is good if it helps beat the voices
Take care hon xxx

[Steel Maiden]

Thank you Zowie and Dark Light. I am trying to beat the voices. The HTT were useless yesterday and I couldn't get the man to understand that my brain was about to explode.

But just half an hour ago, the voices started. With a different command. They want me to hurt someone. And suddenly I feel like that is a good idea. I feel adrenaline inside me, ever since that happened. Suddenly I want to go out there and do it. I am actually in agreement with the voices for once.

[zowie]

Hun, I know exactly how that feels. Beth's constantly telling me to hurt people and sometimes I get that rush where it really seems like a good idea. Adrenaline pumping, fear overcome by excitement.
But sometimes I can distinguish that it's not a good idea, which is what I want you to understand now. Try to imagine the reprecussions of what you are planning to do; police, sectioning etc.
Try to fight them hun, please. xxx

[Steel Maiden]

I know what the consequences will be, but my life is going to fall apart after my a-levels anyway. Not because of the results, but because I will have to leave the school which contains people who have brought me from the brink of suicide to feeling okay. I will have to leave this school that has helped me and cared for me so much, and then I will be thrown into uni where I will have no support and I will simply want to kill myself after a week of being there because I can't look after myself and I know I will be friendless there. Also, the workload will be huge, which is likely to make me crack. I want to go to Cambridge, and I've got a conditional offer from Cambridge (AAA in my a-levels), but I don't know if I will survive there because I am socially stupid, whereas all the other girls doing my course at that college (I met them in an open day) are all sophisticated, "cool" and streetwise. In terms of social IQ, I have a value of 2.5.
I know that inevitably I will go so insane after leaving school that I will be sectioned anyway.
So **** it I am going to buy a Swiss army knife during the weekend.

[Asystole]

I don't think buying that knife would be a very good idea Maiden. I can only repeat what has been said above about the repercussions of such an action.

As for university, I am certain they all have counselling available and people there that can help you. Plus everyone is in the same boat in terms of meeting new people when university begins so i'm sure you will find people you can relate to and fit in just okay.

[Steel Maiden]

Ok ok you are correct.
Although my social skills are about as good as those of a woodlouse.