Triggering (SI/OD) - Depression in control even with medication

*Fading_existence* · 04-05-2008, 12:01 PM

Im on 60mg of citalopram a day and my depression is worse than ever, i really cant fight it anymore. All i do is think about suicide, self harm and then i do sh to stop myself doing something worse. I have counselling once a week im at the doctors every 1-2 weeks now. I really cant face it anymore. Ive been on medication since october. Im fed up of feeling like this i want to feel different. I just want the pain to stop, when will it? please someone tell me things can get better. I just feel so hopeless right now. Ive got to the point im scared to leave the flat, scared to go through town, scared to see people, i just want to stay in bed all day. I dont want to do anything why wont this pain just go away. I know why im like i am but why? why when someone else caused this pain. I hate them - why am i like this because of their own behaviour that made me like this. I have the doctors soon and i have a running list of things to tell him but its so hard what if he freaks like he did when i told him i was cutting again? im so stupid i couldnt even cut the way i really wanted to. What if he wants to lock me up -i am too scared to go anywhere, im not safe i dont trust myself let alone anyone else.

Stellata · 04-05-2008, 12:12 PM

It can get better. Not all at once, or even how you expect, but, with help and time, things can ease.
Anti-depressants don't take away the pain, but they can help you tolerate it. Maybe you need a different medication, what does your dr think on that?

It's understandable, with what you've been through, that you're experiencing such a fear of people. I know it's something I struggle with fairly regularly. Try to focus on those times when you've felt safe with someone, even if it was only a moment. It can help build up a bank of safety inside you.
Often, with pasts like you [and I] have experienced, the first part of recovery is accepting what happened, and how it's effected you, before you can move onto the next step. It's rather like a grief, and depression is part of that.
Can you describe some more about what exactly it is you're scared of?

green.eyes · 04-05-2008, 12:16 PM

it will get better.
try to leave the flat as much as possible eve though is hard, being in bed wont help. try to socialise and do things you usually enjoy. basially try to carry on and not let it beat you.
be honest with the doctors and counsellors and try to let the people around you in a bit so they can help.
take care
PM me anytime

*Fading_existence* · 04-05-2008, 12:31 PM

Im scared of people making judgements, saying things or trying to hurt me physically. I have told my counsellor everything but i need to tell the doctor more on tues. I think he will change my medication as im such a state at the moment i cant handle it anymore.

I really cant leave the flat its too much just looking out the window terrifies me. I hate it i just want to curl up and be left alone forever and ever.

Stellata · 04-05-2008, 01:51 PM

What judgements have been made on you in the past? What things were said to you? Often the things bullies and abusers say go into our mind and embed themselves in our perception of ourself. It also gets to like you 'see bullies everywhere'. I understand what that's like, how vulnerable that can make you feel. Totally terrified. ((holds you gently)) I hope your dr can help by changing your medication and/or adding another medication. You don't deserve the suffer like this.

*Fading_existence* · 04-05-2008, 06:42 PM

That im fat, ugly, horrible, worthless all the things i believe about myself. That im fat, horrible, stupid, thick everything just horrible horrible names. Bullies are everywhere which is why i cant leave the flat, cant see people cant do anything. I do deserve to suffer like this otherwise people wouldnt have been so horrid and cruel to me surely?

Stellata · 04-05-2008, 08:03 PM

They are wrong. You're intelligent, sensitive and a caring person. But you're in a lot of distress.

I understand how much names and words can wound and hurt. When I was a your age I wrote a poem which included the lines "standing alone screaming silently to a mass of uncaring people who misunderstand". I know how it feels. I know how it feels to be haunted by all this... scarring of words.
But words can also bring healing. Words can help hold, be gentle. Words are powerful, and that power can go either way. In the past you didn't have the choice as all the power was taken from you. Now you have more space to become yourself, get yourself back. And that can be scary. It can make all that internal torment come back full force.

I'm on your side. As are others here. You're not alone through this.

*Fading_existence* · 04-05-2008, 08:39 PM

Im not any of those things, people wouldnt have made me think otherwise unless it was true, im sure.

Im scared i have seen physical scars fade but the mental ones are here and worse than ever they just wont go - what do i do? how will they leave?

I cant leave my flat at the moment its too hard for me. Im sorry i cant do this anymore i just need to accept that im going to be depressed forever.