I think my depression has gone or at least improved loads this last month - finally appear to be on meds that have madde a difference.
I can now function properly in every day life but I feel really uneasy. I have no idea who I am. Things that used to mean everything to me, no longer do. I'm tyring things that I would never have done before. I'm just not me.
My thoughts race and alot of them race through without me being able to get hold of them. I don't hear voices but the noise in my head can be too much to manage. I find myself wondering whether it was better off to be depressed because it was simpler in a way. That sounds really ungrateful.
When I get in a low mood now I am experiencing various ones, it's really low and it's really extreme for no apparent reason.
I thought when my depression lifted I would be able to manage my sh/ODs better but I can't and feel so pathetic as now I don't have an excuse as such.
Sorry for the random waffle but I don't know what's going on in my head. It scares me and I feel out of control.
Take care!
Last edited by ThinkingofRecovery : 15-05-2008 at 05:07 PM.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
hey
i know recovery can be really scary as depression is at least consistent and predictable.
try some deep breathing exercises when your thoughts are racing, to help you stay calm.
i dont think you need an 'excuse' for self harm- if you feel crap and you dont have other coping mechanisms then of course you'll continue to do it. jsut because you're no long er or at least less depressed doesnt mean you have to be perfectly happy.
are you seeing a counsellor of any kind? it sounds like you could do with some advice on how to keep your moods stable while you recover.
remember, its a long road to recovery, it doesnt all com at once, take it one day at a time and don't be to hard on yourself.
*hugs*
PM me anytime
It's a weird thing is depression recovery. Sometimes it's really hard to admit that this 'thing' which for a long time has been a part of you no longer is and it's not unusual to really want it back just to know where you stand because it's familiar but you can get to know the real you.
It's pretty amazing when you get over everything and can look back and see your free. I can't say exactly when that will happen for you but trust that it will and your half way there, try not to look for it and it'll just come like a light turning on.
Yeah hun, i know what you mean.
Once the depression is gone, you dont know what to do with yourself because you were "comfortable" in depression, it was what you knew.
Thanks for the replies! Maybe I'm not as weird as I thought.
Things I used to think were everything, no longer are. I don't know what I like, who I am, it's all a little overwhelming. I want to do things (not good things) that I would never have dreamt of before. I want to take stupid risks. It's as though I've really changed as a person and I'm not sure it's terribly good.
How long is it likely before I get some kind of normality/stability?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Sorry for bumping this one. As you will see, I thought things were starting to improve but a couple of days after I posted this I crashed and am still down. It feels like I'm in the same place as I was before. I just woke and felt really crap for no reason, just as if none of the improvements had taken place. I'm so sick of fighting this. It feels worse I suppose because I feel like I've been teased - given a taste of improvement (although it was weird) just to have it snatched away. I was in hospital again Sun night - Tues morning for treatment for OD. It's as though all the efforts over the last several weeks of trying to go out, run, getting back to work etc were just a joke. What's the point. Had enough. CPN reckons if it "flicked off" just like that, it will all click back again and my GP reckons I should just grit my teeth and get on with it. I've spent weeks trying to do that and where did it get me?
Sorry, the above probably doesn't make sense.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Really sorry for bumping this and being a post whore.
Does anyone have any advice re pulling myself back up as I'm really low again and not sure I can keep fighting this only to be kicked in the teeth again when I crash.
Last time I crashed (Jan this year), it took until the beginning of this month to start to feel any different. I can't wait all those months again and what if this time, I don't get any better. Am I always going to be like this? Experience a couple of OK weeks and then months of hell.
I've been taking my meds properly as well this time round and it still happened. I've been trying to go out etc and yet I still find myself down in a heap crying for no reason, having problems with sleep, feeling on edge, taking ODs.
Any ideas?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Oh well, I'll keep posting replies to myself. Maybe I should have put this in the rant section.
Sorry, that was probably uncalled for but needed to get it off my chest.
Paranoia they call it but I always told them that it wasn't and that it was the truth - people really do hate me, even those that don't even know me or have never met me. I reckon that's why the psych that I'm back under hates me - I just deserve it.
Moan, moan, moan. Worthless piece of c**p
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
The weird thing about depression is that the waves of being really happy and then feeling as if you are in the darkest place possible (especially with bi-polar dis-order). Also meds are dependent upon your genetic make up (please bare that mind when you are in a dark place). So keep expressing how you feel (f*ck em better out than in me finks) Take care and big hugs
Syrup - I've been on these ADs for 5 months and this particular dose for over 2 months now. Surely, I should be a little more level now?
Andrew - thanks for the understanding re my rant.
Ended up being taken to hospital against my will on Thurs night by the police. It's not fair. Surely, it's upto me what risks I want to take. Next time will have to find a more secluded place.
Anyway, spoke to my CPN on Friday who is going to ask the psych whether my meds can be increased again and he thinks I should see her again soon. There's a bit of history between me and the psych though and the thought of having to see her is making me feel even more on the edge.
Sorry, getting things off my chest again. I don't mean to be so needy but scare myself sometimes these days as I don't understand anything.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
